Philadelphia

Marvin Harrison critical of Philadelphia fans, praises city’s lax attitude towards murder in HOF speech
2016 Hall of Fame Football

Marvin Harrison had some harsh words for Philadelphia and its fans.

Canton, Ohio – Oh boy Philadelphia, if you haven’t heard wide receiver Marvin Harrison’s Hall of Fame Speech this weekend you may just want to skip this article altogether.

The newly minted NFL Hall of Fame wide receiver took a shot at his hometown fans in his induction speech, criticizing their legendarily harsh attitude to Philadelphia athletes.

“I’m from Philadelphia, the home of the Eagles,” Harrison said. “If you get the coin toss wrong in Philadelphia, they want to trade you the first thing on Monday morning, so I wasn’t used to that in Indianapolis.”

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Voodoo lessons already paying for themselves, according to Nick Foles
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Voodoo enthusiast, Nick Foles.

Los Angeles, Calif. – Noting that it was the smartest investment he has made in years, free agent Nick Foles noted that the voodoo lessons he had taken in the off-season were practically paying for themselves.

With the recent injury to Cowboys backup quarterback Kellen Moore, several NFL sources have said the Cowboys are reportedly interested in bringing Foles in to backup starter Tony Romo.

“I’m on the market for one day and Kellen Moore snaps his ankle like a twig at the Cowboys’ training camp? Gee, I wonder how that happened?” Foles said.

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Ejected Phillies fan ejected for ‘no reason,’ according to ejected Phillies fan
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Unruly fan being tossed from the Phillies game. (via ESPN.com)

Philadelphia, PA – A heckling Phillies fan was ejected last night during a contest against the San Francisco Giants by home plate umpire Bob Davidson for “absolutely no reason,” according to the ejected fan this morning.

Only in Philadelphia!

Davidson stopped the crowd in the sixth inning and ejected a fan after his taunts became sexual in nature and wouldn’t stop.

The fan, who reportedly lives in Delco and goes only by the name “Bug,” said Davidson tossed him despite “doing a whole lot of nothing” and “cracking everybody up” in his section.

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MLB general managers report Matt Klentak was not available at trade deadline
Matt Klentak

Netflix enthusiast and Phillies GM Matt Klentak.

Philadelphia, PA – The Phillies were expected by many to make several deals at yesterday’s trade deadline, as the young organization was rife with players that could have helped teams down the stretch into the playoffs.

Instead, the Phillies stood pat and didn’t trade a single player.

However, several Major League Baseball general managers are reporting today that Matt Klentak, the Phillies general manager, did not make himself available to phone calls all day Monday due to a “prior pressing engagement.”

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You’ll get nothing today AND LIKE IT

giphy-facebook_sOh boy. Perhaps drinking until the wee hours of the morning on a Sunday night at a wedding was not the smartest thing in the world to do. Hungover? You bet. Tired? Barely keeping my eyes open at work.

I’ll never drink again (until next Saturday, when we have to go to another wedding).

So yes, MAYBE it was a tactical error to do this when I’m 33 and have a four-month-old kid. Maybe. I won’t commit to this idea, but it seems at least plausible.

I probably just have the stomach flu. Yeah, YEAH that’s it! I’M BACK BABY!

::pukes::

So nothing today for you, dear readers. Please do me a favor and read quietly, as I’ll be slightly dozing at my desk with my eyes open for the rest of the day (learned it in the jungles of Danang, where the enemy never slept).

So go read the Liberty Bell piece we published last week. Probably the best story we’ve ever done.

Enjoy, jerkwads.

The Veterans Stadium Liberty Bell lives on at a South Philadelphia food distributor

Injured Ryan Mathews having best start to a training camp in his career
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The oft-injured Ryan Mathews is having his best start to a training camp ever.

Philadelphia, PA – Running back Ryan Mathews expressed his positivity to reporters this morning about his status in training camp, noting that a sprained ankle before the official start of camp is a personal best for the oft-injured Eagles running back.

Mathews reportedly sprained his ankle TRAINING for training camp last week and will likely miss several days after being placed on the non-football injury list.

It’s the best start to a season he’s ever had in term of an injury, Mathews told reporters.

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The Veterans Stadium Liberty Bell lives on at a South Philadelphia food distributor

vetbellI’ve been searching for the Veterans Stadium Liberty Bell since April 16, 2012. It disappeared after the Vet was demolished on March 21, 2004.

But I’ve found it, and it’s still in South Philadelphia. It’s on South Lawrence Street, just a few blocks from Citizen’s Bank Park. C.W. Dunnet and Co. has the bell and they’ve had it in storage since the late 2000s.

IT’S JUST SITTING THERE. Lying in wait.

But let me back up….

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Bernie Sanders: Thank you for keeping Mike Missanelli away from me during the DNC
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Sanders bringing down the house at the DNC.

Philadelphia, PA – An energized Bernie Sanders appeared at the Democratic National Convention this afternoon and congratulated the city on hosting a world class event, while also having the foresight to ban blowhard and Philadelphia embarrassment Mike Missanelli from city limits for the duration.

Sanders noted that if he even caught whiff that Missanelli was trying to re-enter the city during the DNC, he would hunt him down and run him over with his campaign bus.

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City of Philadelphia issues excessive hot-take warning during first day of training camp

580x400-trainingcamp-announcePhiladelphia, PA – City officials are warning Eagles fans to limit their internet and twitter exposure today, as Eagles beat reporters and local sports reporters are unleashing hot-takes at a furious pace today during the first day of Eagles training camp.

Philadelphia Mayor Jim Kenney warned elderly citizens and children under the age of 10 to stay off the internet completely. With a lack of substance and meaningful action on the field, Kenney warned the city that reporters would go to any lengths to suck readers in.

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Mike Missanelli bound, gagged, dumped at city limits prior to the start of the DNC

20091224_fm400Philadelphia, PA – Fanatic midday host Mike Missanelli was reported as missing this morning by 97.5 FM management, after two well-dressed hired goons threw a sack over his head while he was walking into the radio station and tossed him into the back of a nondescript utility van.

After a nearly 35 minute drive, in which the host was tossed around the back of the van as it took several sharp turns at high speed, he was unceremoniously dumped out of the back of the van by the city workers.

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