Philadelphia

Joel Embiid’s inexperience on full display, shows up to practice in cleats
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Embiid still has a long way to go.

Philadelphia, PA – Third-year member of the 76ers Joel Embiid stepped on the court in a competitive setting for the first time since 2014 yesterday, but the talented, yet raw, center showed he has miles to go before he reaches his true potential.

He showed his lack of experience throughout practice, scrambling to defend pick and rolls all morning, biting on every pump fake in the post, and struggling to find grip on the hardwood court due to wearing metal cleats to practice.

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Jim Schwartz rewards himself with relaxing fugue state after each game
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Fugued out.

Philadelphia, PA – Defensive coordinator Jim Schwartz did not meet with media after the Eagles 34-3 win over the Pittsburgh Steelers. The intensely devoted Schwartz instead chose to take some time for himself, unwind, and place himself in a nice fugue state to calm down after the stress of coaching an NFL game.

Schwartz typically will retire to room 57-B in bowels of Lincoln Financial Field after a game, find a nice spot in the corner of the room, and face the wall for hours at a time until he loses all conscious thought and memory of self.

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Neither Clinton or Trump address the foreign threats to America’s wrestling championships
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Why don’t either of these candidates touch on the real threats to America?

Usually don’t like to get political on this site, but after the debates last night it was quite clear that Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton nor Republican nominee Donald Trump were both ducking the most pressing issue facing this country.

Moderator Lester Holt proved to be in way over his head when he didn’t even ask the broach the subject, despite it having lasting effects on every American in this country, young and old.

What is being done to protect America’s wrestling championships against the foreign menace?

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Who will make our Eagles picks this week?
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Last week’s picker, Bobby Hoying, went 2-0 in his predictions. Will this week’s guest picker keep the good times rolling?

Wow, what a start to the season so far. Our guest pickers are both 2-0 against the spread and win/loss predictions, and for the first time in ages my bookie hasn’t left threatening voicemails on my cell phone demanding I pay up what I owe him. I’M ON A BISCUIT TRAIN WITH GRAVY WHEELS, so let’s keep the good times rolling.

Last week, Bobby Hoying nailed his picks and didn’t disappoint in his column. Accurate prediction? Check. Casual racism? Check. High on cocaine? Double check. He’s a Philadelphia legend, that’s for sure.

Things get tougher this week with the Eagles (+3.5) hosting the Pittsburgh Steelers and their jailbird roster at 4:25 p.m. this Sunday.

Here’s our record so far:

Win/Loss prediction record: 2-0

Against the spread: 2-0

But who have we brought in to make the week 3 pick? Will they keep the good times rolling?

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Isn’t it time Penn State honors Joe Paterno again?
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A real Penn State hero.

It seems like, oh, less than a week since the last time Penn State honored former coach Joe Paterno for putting the university’s football program on the map and ignoring (and possibly hiding) a horrendous, decades long sexual assault scandal of hundreds of children by his assistant coach Jerry Sandusky.

Isn’t it about time Penn State honors Joe Pa again?

Come on! It gives the sycophants in the football program ANOTHER reason to trot out the old memories of their beloved coach, while it gives the rest of us, the sane people who don’t support a man who turned a blind eye to his assistant coach ruining the lives of hundreds of children and their families, a chance to again express our outrage that this man is still being held up as a pillar of the university and community.

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Deadbeat dad really going all out with upper deck Phillies tickets in September
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Not pictured: Two happy sons.

Philadelphia, PA – Fans at the Phillies, White Sox game Tuesday night confirmed that Thomas Wilkenstein, 46, deadbeat father to two sons Johnathan, 12, and Mike, 9, was really “going all out” for his boys by springing for three upper deck tickets for an out-of-division matchup in the final two weeks of a disappointing Phillies season.

Several attendees sitting near Wilkenstein and his clearly despondent boys noted that the deadbeat had bought them a bag of peanuts “to share” and his promises to buy them each a Phillies helmet sundae had gone unheeded and would likely end up unfulfilled.

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Anthony Gargano reportedly struggling to craft perfect love letter
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The lovelorn Gargano is struggling to wrangle his romantic thoughts to the page.

Philadelphia, PA – Gingerly rubbing the temples of his head with his sausage-like fingers, 97.5 the Fanatic Morning Show host Anthony Gargano reported Monday that he had not slept at all the night prior, his mind bursting forth with tenderness and love.

However, the transfer of his beautiful prose and thoughts of fancy from his mind to paper had proved fruitless, as the uncultured mamaluke struggled to craft the perfect love letter to Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz, who is 2-0 on the season and proving to be “the real deal.”

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Carson Wentz can’t stop saying “Da Bears,” annoying everyone
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Bill Swerski and his Super Fans.

Chicago, Illinois – Perhaps running on adrenaline and nervous energy leading up to his first Monday Night Football game, sources have confirmed that Carson Wentz cannot stop quoting lines from the Saturday Night Live recurring “Super Fans” sketch, popularized in the early 90s by George Wendt and Chris Farley.

The recurring sketch, “Bill Swerski’s Super Fans,” popularized the catchphrase “Daaaaaa Bears,” which has become a prominent saying in sports lexicon. Wentz, sources have noted, has approximately said the phrase close to 50 times during the morning walk through, quarterbacks meeting and media session.

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Who will make our Eagles picks this week?

WheelerWhat a debut last week from our inaugural picker for the 2016-2017 Philadelphia Eagles season. Chris Wheeler just BACK LEGGED it out of the park for us, successfully predicting the Eagles would defeat the Browns and cover the spread in week one.

That magnificent toupeed bastard looked middle in and absolutely crushed his prediction.

But we tread on, bringing in yet another special guest to make our picks in week 2. Will he or she be as spot on as Wheels was in week 1? We’ll see Monday night when the Eagles take on the Bears during Monday Night Football (ALLLLLLLL YOUR ROWDY FRIENDS ON MONDAY NIGHT) in week 2.

Here’s our record so far:

Win/Loss prediction record: 1-0

Against the spread: 1-0

But who have we brought in to make the week 2 pick? Will they keep the good times rolling?

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Jon Marks leaving 97.5 the Fanatic, launching website to help workplace bullying victims
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Jon Marks is leaving 97.5 FM for a new career opportunity.

Philadelphia, PA – Sources have confirmed that Jon Marks, a co-host and producer of the morning show at 97.5 the Fanatic, will be leaving the show and the sports talk station when his contract expires on Oct. 20.

Marks will finish out his contract and will remain on air until October.

However, Marks has already announced his next project, as he’ll launch a website dedicated to helping employees who have problems with bullies at their place of business.

“We really want to help those who face bullying day in and day out at their own jobs. Nobody should have to face bullying on a daily basis, especially those of us who are of middle aged and realize this isn’t high school anymore,” Marks said.

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