Philadelphia, PA – Gingerly rubbing the temples of his head with his sausage-like fingers, 97.5 the Fanatic Morning Show host Anthony Gargano reported Monday that he had not slept at all the night prior, his mind bursting forth with tenderness and love.
However, the transfer of his beautiful prose and thoughts of fancy from his mind to paper had proved fruitless, as the uncultured mamaluke struggled to craft the perfect love letter to Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz, who is 2-0 on the season and proving to be “the real deal.”
“I have so many thoughts running through my head, stuffed up there like so much rigot in a perfectly overflowing manigot. How do I put what’s in my brain down on paper and have him not think I’m a fool? Arghhhh…my brain is swirling with transient thoughts of romance and longing, but I can’t tether them down to the page. I’m just a stupid meatball, I guess, and that’s all I’ll ever be,” Gargano remarked, crumpling up another failed attempt and throwing it into the waste basket in his apartment.
Sources confirmed that Gargano has appeared withdrawn and more introverted since seeing Wentz lead the Eagles to victory in week 1 over the Browns. No longer interested in delicious, salted cured meats or Anthony’s Coal Fired Pizza, the love-struck talk show host has taken to pondering the delicate petals of a flower in a meadow or admiring the way the fall breeze caresses his cheek during his wanderings through the street after work.
“If only I could speak and write as good as those eggheads who paid attention in school, I’d be able to tell him how I truly feel. Whatever I do, I just can’t say the same thing. I’m all tied up inside, I get so flustered whenever I think about him….who am I kidding? I’ll always just be some two-bit morning show host,” he said, throwing away another failed attempt at a haiku entitled “Carson my darling.”
“I can’t say the right things around him, what chance do I have writing him something that will get him to notice me?” Gargano said, putting his head down on his writing desk and weeping bitterly.
At press time, Gargano was pondering sending Wentz an anonymous, bawdy limerick to test the waters.