Chip Kelly must be furious this afternoon, as an anonymous Eagles front office employee has leaked a comprehensive list of available free agents who the organization will be targeting at the start of free agency on Tuesday, March 10.
The Eagles are widely expected to be one of the major players in free agency this year, as the team had over $50 million available to spend.
Here is the list of players the Eagles are reportedly going to try and ink this offseason.
Philadelphia PA – Reports coming out of Lesean McCoy’s camp have the young running back feeling a little bit better today about the trade to Buffalo, as Philadelphia is being pounded by yet another stretch of poor weather this winter.
However, when asked for a comment, McCoy reportedly said he was “thrilled to be leaving Philadelphia on a day like today when it means I’ll be playing in the temperate confines of Buffalo.”
McCoy was reportedly eagerly packing hawaiian styled shirts, shorts, and flip flops into a bag as he readied himself for his flight out of Philadelphia.
“It was a little depressed about going to Buffalo, but man, how can you not be happy to leave the city on a horrible day like today? I’ve heard Buffalo is is beautiful this time of year, warm all year round, it will be a great place to live.”
A source close to McCoy said the young running back has been eagerly googling his new hometown, but a check of his recent internet history shows that he had been wrongly searching out “Bermuda” instead of “Buffalo.”
“Gorgeous women, gorgeous beaches, gorgeous climate…how did I get so lucky?” He said, as friends debated whether or not to tell him he was mistaken.
It was ultimately determined to let him “ride out the good feelings” until his inevitable depression when he stepped off the airplane into the real Buffalo New York.
Chip Kelly, perhaps gone mad with power.
Philadelphia, PA – Hearing that 76ers GM Sam Hinkie seized the spotlight again, just one day after the Eagles completed a blockbuster trade that saw franchise running back Lesean McCoy shipped to Buffalo for linebacker Kiko Alonso, Chip Kelly was seen destroying his office at the Novacare Complex in front of a cowering Howie Roseman.
Chip Kelly’s got nothing on this stud.
Philadelphia, PA – After having the Philadelphia sports media diverted from debating the 76ers recent trades, future and direction of the franchise for just one day, Sam Hinkie simply smirked and pressed a gigantic red button affixed to his desk deep within the confines of the Wells Fargo Center during an impromptu press conference.
“So Mr. Chip Kelly thinks he can divert attention away from my beloved 76ers by making a rash decision and trading one of the most talented and popular members of the Philadelphia Eagles? Please, check the team site,” He said to a collected group of reporters. “Upon checking your iPhones, you’ll notice Nerlens Noel is no longer listed on the team roster.”
A gasp arose from the media, as the active team roster instead featured a picture of Kevin Durant wearing a 76ers jersey. A second picture had been posted to the main page of the 76ers website, prominently featuring a smiling Durant shaking Hinkie’s hand.
“Ladies, gentlemen, your newest member of the Philadelphia 76ers. This town is mine, Kelly, never forget it. You can quote that. Now get the hell out of here,” he told the assembled reporters.
The media were then ushered off of WFC property at gunpoint by Furkan Aldemir.
Hey, Lesean, pssttttt…. I heard you were complaining about how bad this Winter has been in Philadelphia.
Hey coach…uhhh….I guess it’s been a bit cold, yeah, nothing too bad.
WELL ENJOY SPENDING THE REST OF YOUR LIFE IN BUFFALO, YOU SON OF A BITCH! YEEEEEHAAAAA!
::Wink::
Damnit.
My god, what is happening in this city. So many trades in the span of two weeks, my brain can’t handle it. Lesean McCoy to Buffalo, WHAT IS GOING ON? Kiko Alonso in an Eagles uniform, yet another Oregon player brought in my Chip? Sweet jesus…my heart can’t take this.
Nasty Nate Allen.
Philadelphia PA –Unrestricted free agent Nate Allen appeared overjoyed and even a bit cocky this afternoon, believing the release of cornerback Cary Williams was a preemptive move to clear cap space to re-sign the trod upon safety that has played in 74 games for the Eagles over the past five seasons.
“Sure, I view that as a positive sign,” Allen said to a group of reporters that had just finished interviewing Williams as he exited the team complex. “They have some cap issues and they needed to work it out before contacting me for a new contract. It’s not that hard to understand, guys.”
Philadelphia, PA – Following the news that current free agent and former Eagles starting safety Nate Allen was held by police last night after being accused of masturbating in his vehicle at an intersection, 94 WIP radio personality Josh Innes had locked himself in a station office for the past 8 hours, frantically scribbling down as many Nate Allen masturbation jokes as he possibly can.
His co-host, Tony Bruno, told reporters Innes had only taken one restroom break in the past 8 hours.
“I don’t want to disturb him. Look at him, it’s like watching Mozart working on his Requiem,” Bruno said. “There’s no way a 5-hour show with commercials will be enough time for him to use everything he has prepared.”
The unwashed and frazzled Innes could be seen in the office swaying his arms too and fro, his eyes closed, a bic pen elegantly gliding across a legal pad as the self-pleasuring jokes poured forth from his soul. Several full pads were strewn throughout the office, ready for airtime.
“Nate even rhymes with masturbate. I can only imagine how much mileage he’s gotten out of that already,” Bruno said. “I could only come up with one and it’s not even that great. Basically just a play on the word ‘indecent exposure’ and Nate being an expert on being ‘exposed’ each Sunday afternoon. It’s wordy, I know, which is why I’m leaving this up to a professional.”
Innes took a break for several minutes, his chest heaving, obviously in pain as he laid his burdened head upon a silk throw pillow. The moment of rest was broken when his head shot up from the pillow, yelling “Eureeka!” as he took up his quill once more in preparation for the 1 p.m. show.
Many think Jason Peters will represent the Philadelphia Eagles in the upcoming draft.
Philadelphia, PA – ESPN’s Mel Kiper has released the latest version of his 2015 NFL draft and has the Eagles sending starting left tackle Jason Peters overseas to fight in the Vietnam quagmire.
Peters will likely begin in the reserves, Kiper said, but will be called up to the first starting infantry unit of the Fightin 105 to serve his country.
“Peters has the size and the elusive quickness that so many of our grunts lack out in the jungle,” Kiper said. “Stick an M16 in his hands and he’ll be a killer. He’s 6-feet, four-inches tall, and believe me, they do stack shit that high.”
Kiper said Peters needs to work on his war face before he can truly make a difference out in the shit, however.
Critics derided the potential pick and several seemed to think Eagles head coach Chip Kelly was leaning towards selecting Nick Foles.
“Outstanding, Private Foles, I think we have finally found something that you do well!” Kelly was heard yelling at Foles at a recent offseason workout as the quarterback worked on his deep balls. “Jesus H. Christ, you are definitely born again hard!”
Foles, however, may not be a great selection, said ESPN’s Sal Paolantonio, as he hasn’t been on best terms with his fellow teammates. A report leaked last week claiming that Lane Johnson led a “blanket party” after lights out, warning Foles not to mention anything because it was “all just a bad dream.”
As of press time, Foles was seen entering the team restroom after lights out with a reported crazy look in his eyes.
Chris Christie, moments before plunging into the Atlantic Ocean and heading South for the winter.
Sea Isle, NJ – As thousands flocked to Sea Isle this past Saturday for the annual Polar Plunge to test their wills against frigid temperatures, they were delighted to see a number of local celebrities taking part in the celebration.
Eagles center Jason Kelce frolicked in the surf with the brave citizens who took brief, but impressive, dips in the 35 degree water. However, it wasn’t Kelce who won the day, but current Governor Chris Christie, who was seen swimming in the water for upwards of three hours after the event concluded.
“He’s a beast. I mean that figuratively and quite literally, actually,” Kelce said, as he stood on the shoreline and watched the governor impressively breach from the water and then dive back down several times. “He’s been out there for hours. See all those seagulls flying above him? They’ve been following him ever since he’s been out there.”
Several boats carrying hundreds of passengers sailed up to where the governor was swimming and stayed a respective distance away, letting the passengers snap photographs and ooh and ahh whenever Christie broke the surface of the water.
Nobody participating in the plunge could recall seeing the governor on the beach prior to the start of the event.
“Around this time of year, Governor Christie will take to the sea and swim down coast in search of fertile hunting grounds,” a media relations employee told reporters crowded on the beach.
“We’ll let him stay in for a few hours, eat his weight in krill, and then drive him back up the coast to Trenton on an 18-wheeler flatbed when he gets tired. We’ll make sure to keep him nice and wet during the trip back up to the capital office,” he said.
Philadelphia, PA – The Eagles were stunned to learn Thursday evening that Riley Cooper was somehow elected to be the team’s representative to the local NAACP Philadelphia chapter.
Just hours after an NFL licensed calendar was released with Cooper representing the month of February, the local chapter leaders of the NAACP demanded the team’s representative attend the next meeting to discuss the insensitivity of the publication. After rifling through several papers, Eagles owner Jeffrey Lurie was shocked to learn Cooper had been given the designation just this past December.
“I have no idea how it happened. I guess we needed someone and he just kind of got thrown in there. God, that is going to be so awkward,” he told a group of reporters.
As the team’s liaison to the civil rights organization, Cooper is expected to attend the next several meetings and discuss the indignity of being the player on the February page of the calendar.
“We probably should have thought better and maybe elected someone else…but we can’t do too much about it now. Fuck me, we are so screwed. I’m already having our media relations employees draft up several iterations of an apology letter I’m sure we’ll have to be releasing to the public soon.”
As of press time, Cooper was seen purchasing large quantities of FUBU clothing to, as the wide receiver put it, “just fit in at the meeting.”
The Coggin Toboggan 