Philadelphia 76ers

76ers contact shadow organization to extradite Dario Saric from Turkey

Instanbul, Turkey – Citing what’s best for business, Sam Hinkie traveled to Istanbul today to meet with several underground figures in the back of a dimly lit, smoke filled Turkish bazaar to begin plans to extradite Dario Saric from his contract with Anadolu Efes S.K.

“You have a man that you want freed, we have a large debt that needs to be paid. I think we can work with each other in this regard,” said Aslan “The Lion” Myanabad. “The cost will be 3 million lira…but I warn you, the penalty for such a thing is many years in the Eskişehir (prison) and I would not wish this upon my worst enemy.”

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BREAKING: 76ers leak mock-ups of new uniforms

Philadelphia, PA – Continuing the overhaul of the entire organization, Philadelphia 76ers representatives have been teasing the idea of new uniforms and new team logos since the conclusion of the 2014-2015 season. Well folks, The Coggin Toboggan has received leaked information from the organization’s front office and has three separate mock-ups of what the new uniforms may look like for the next season.

Here are each of the uniform prototypes and our thoughts on the ensembles.

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Sam Hinkie trades third overall pick for draft rights to Joel Embiid, may be slipping into the darkness

3…2…1….

Did it again. Hinkster out, bitches.

Philadelphia, PA – Mere moments after the conclusion of the draft lottery, 76ers GM Sam Hinkie announced the trade of the #3 pick last night to the Los Angeles Lakers for the exclusive draft rights to Joel Embiid. Hinkie either forgot the athlete was already under team control or has started a slow descent into madness.

“We love what we see out of Joel. Yes, he did sit out all last year, but we feel he would have been the number one overall pick in this year’s draft,” Hinkie said, winking at a number of reporters and obsessively clicking a fountain pen in his hand.

At this point, it is unknown if Hinkie has another plan up his sleeve or has started to slowly buckle under the pressure of a very dedicated fan base.

Several reports have come in to the Coggin, detailing some odd behavior coming from Hinkie after the lottery. He was observed having a very loud and energetic discussion with a potted plant in the hallway of the Barclays Center, in which he described the fern as being “lazy” and “a blight on society.”

Further reports have come in this morning, claiming Hinkie hopped into a cab outside of the arena and demanded the flustered cabbie drive him to the Ottoman Empire, so he could make his fortune in the trade of exotic spices and silks.

The Coggin Toboggan contacted a media representative of the 76ers, who released the follow comment:

“Sam has been under a tremendous amount of stress lately and he has been taken away for a very long, and much needed rest. He will receive the best of care. We appreciate no further inquiries into his mental state as of this moment.”

As of press time, Hinkie was seen running down Broad Street in a strait jacket, being chased by several men with large butterfly nets.

We’re going to the draft lottery, bitches

Every so often, the CT will check in with rookie sensation Nerlens Noel and his signature hi-top fade haircut to get his take on the 76ers season so far. We at CT take no responsibility for the opinions of the hi-top or his world views. On to today’s edition:

76ers current record: 0-0.

Fuck and yes, people, my boy Stinkie Hinkie notified us today and told us that we are going to be representing the squad at Tuesday night’s draft lottery. Nerlens will be there, of course, and I’ll be high, hi-topped and faded, and we’ll be watching those ping pong balls bounce to see where we land for the 2015 draft.

It’s going to be fabulous. The 76ers will be picking up the tab for our night out in Brooklyn. We’re going to take that hipster town over and see where we fall for the draft.

Either way, I hope we get to pick somewhere so we can draft my boy D’Angelo Russell from Ohio State. We hung out with my boy last week and he actually seemed PUMPED to come to Philadelphia. He kept talking about how he couldn’t “wait to see the Empire State Building” and “visit the Shivering Sea” and “walk over the Golden Gate Bridge” all in one day. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that he was talking about New York City, a fictional body of water in “Game of Thrones,” and San Francisco…literally none of those things are in Philadelphia.

That Ohio State education might not be working out for him.

Either way, we are going to get FUCKED up Tuesday night. I’m a little worried, though, that Furkan is going to tag along. Nobody will tell him he can’t come…if he shows up he’s going to get into the car and there’s no way he won’t ruin the entire broadcast.

He could provide some extra muscle, maybe intimidate Silver to give us a few extra ping pong balls. Fuck it, I’m calling him, Furkan and me are going to take this city by storm.

Go Sixers, baby!

Fuck ya’ll, all ya’ll

Philadelphia 76ers (18-58). Who is even on this team anymore?

To all you pieces of garbage that wanted us traded? FUCK YOU. LOOK AT US NOW, MOTHER FUCKERS.

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Furkan Aldemir records first double-double, still ignoring us

Furkan, why are you doing this to us? You put up a sterling 11 point, 10 rebound game against the Cleveland Cavaliers, one of the top NBA teams in the country, and you’re announced as the starting center for the rest of the year, yet you STILL ignore our requests for an interview.

The Coggin has been firmly behind you since your arrival to the Philadelphia 76ers so many months ago. The mystery, the intrigue surrounding you as a player was just too much to ignore. We jumped on the Furkan trade first and have been riding it to glory ever since.

Your fabulous beard, your even greater neckbeard, and a seemingly incoherent ability on the court drew us to you. But now you’re putting us all to shame, showing that you actually do belong on an NBA court. You’ve gained the trust of Head Coach Brett Brown and you’re starting EVERY game from here on out to the end of the season.

But look at this Tweet:

CogginToboggan: Feb 25

Ok, @furkanaldemir19, you’re playing hardball. so we’re centering our coverage today around YOU.

We centered an entire day’s coverage around you, Furkan! We believed in you before any of these other jamokes even knew who you were!

So lets face facts here. Don’t take this as a threat, but if you don’t eventually come on the site for one of our hard hitting and ground breaking interviews, we might have to reduce our number of articles on you to just 30 next season, instead of the seemingly thousands we wrote in the past three months.

Chip Kelly: Hinkie did what? God damnit…get me Foles and a whore that can dance

Chip Kelly, perhaps gone mad with power.

Philadelphia, PA – Hearing that 76ers GM Sam Hinkie seized the spotlight again, just one day after the Eagles completed a blockbuster trade that saw franchise running back Lesean McCoy shipped to Buffalo for linebacker Kiko Alonso, Chip Kelly was seen destroying his office at the Novacare Complex in front of a cowering Howie Roseman.

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Sam Hinkie: Oh, so Chip Kelly traded McCoy? We’ll see about this.

Chip Kelly’s got nothing on this stud.

Philadelphia, PA – After having the Philadelphia sports media diverted from debating the 76ers recent trades, future and direction of the franchise for just one day, Sam Hinkie simply smirked and pressed a gigantic red button affixed to his desk deep within the confines of the Wells Fargo Center during an impromptu press conference.

“So Mr. Chip Kelly thinks he can divert attention away from my beloved 76ers by making a rash decision and trading one of the most talented and popular members of the Philadelphia Eagles? Please, check the team site,” He said to a collected group of reporters. “Upon checking your iPhones, you’ll notice Nerlens Noel is no longer listed on the team roster.”

A gasp arose from the media, as the active team roster instead featured a picture of Kevin Durant wearing a 76ers jersey. A second picture had been posted to the main page of the 76ers website, prominently featuring a smiling Durant shaking Hinkie’s hand.

“Ladies, gentlemen, your newest member of the Philadelphia 76ers. This town is mine, Kelly, never forget it. You can quote that. Now get the hell out of here,” he told the assembled reporters.

The media were then ushered off of WFC property at gunpoint by Furkan Aldemir.

76ers announce signing of Artie, the Strongest Man in the World

The Coggin Toboggan has an anonymous, high ranking source in the Philadelphia 76ers front office willing to provide the blog with all of the up to date moves Sixers GM Sam Hinkie makes during the season. The CT will keep its readers updated on all of the trades, free agent signings and special promotions the 76ers have planned for the future.

Having waived JaVale McGee late Sunday evening, 76ers GM Sam Hinkie announced the signing of power forward Artie, The Strongest Man in the World.

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Younger brother of MCW writes Sam Hinkie a letter to bring him back to Philadelphia

Philadelphia, PA – Perhaps inspired by Jordan Leopold’s daughter’s letter written to the Minnesota Wild to bring her father back to Minnesota, Michael Carter William’s younger brother, Max, crafted a heartfelt letter to Philadelphia 76ers GM Sam Hinkie asking if he could make a trade to bring his oldest brother back to the City of Brotherly Love.

The Coggin Toboggan was able to procure a copy of the handwritten letter sent to Sam Hinkie over the weekend. You will never believe how Sam Hinkie brightened the young boy’s day! (more…)