Chip Kelly

Just sit back and enjoy each 76ers loss, the most entertaining team in the city

76ers logoI’ve watched 16 minutes of the first period of the Flyers game against the Edmonton Oilers, who are 4-8, and have outshot the Flyers by 16-2 so far.

The Eagles are so bad this season the fan base practically begged the Eagles to seriously consider parting ways with draft picks to trade for Colin Kaepernick. Kaepernick was benched this week in favor of backup QB Blaine Gabbert, the very same Blaine Gabbert who has thrown more interceptions in his professional career than touchdowns.

They want him to replace Sam Bradford. Bradford has the longest sleeves in the NFL. That’s the only positive you can mention about him this season.

It’s going to be a shitty winter. Perhaps Phil Connors said it best, “I’ll give you a winter prediction: It’s gonna be cold, it’s gonna be grey, and it’s gonna last you for the rest of your life.”

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Chip Kelly’s new house egged mercilessly for his choice of Halloween treats

chipHaddonfield, NJ – Less than two weeks after closing on his new home in Haddonfield, Chip Kelly is already facing sharp criticism in his Camden County Community after a number of children decided to egg his home on Halloween evening.

Word on the street in Haddonfield is that children were less than thrilled with what Kelly handed out in lieu of candy for Halloween.

“He’s what, a millionaire and he decides to hand out pennies and spinach smoothies? Come on, the only reason I went to his house was because I thought he’d at least have king size candy bars or something,” said Timothy Greene, 12, of Haddonfield, who was not surprised at the outcome. “My dad says he’s stealing millions of dollars from the team, so couldn’t he have at least used that for some candy? He got what he deserved.”

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Chip Kelly monitoring Eagles during bye week with state-of-the-art ball and chain technology

092313-kelly-chip-eagles-600Philadelphia, PA – Ever the innovator, Chip Kelly is adding a new piece to his ever growing bag of tricks to improve his athletes’ performance on and off the field.

In addition to personally designed health smoothies, bedtime curfews, and internal health monitors, Kelly announced each member of the roster would be receiving a 45-pound ball and chain for the bye week.

“Wearing this new piece of technology is mandatory for each member of the roster. We give our players leeway to be grown men and we trust them to make smart decisions, but this will ensure they behave during the off week,” Kelly said.

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Ryan Mathews in doghouse after 63-yard touchdown run

Eagles' Ryan Matthews celebrates scoring his first-quarter touchdown against the Baltimore Ravens in a preseson game on Saturday, August 22, 2015 in Philadelphia. ( DAVID MAIALETTI / Staff Photographer )

Philadelphia, PA – Chip Kelly benched Ryan Mathews last night during the Eagles 16-27 loss against the Carolina Panthers in favor of DeMarco Murray, who seemed a step slow all night and hesitant to hit holes opened by the Eagles meager offensive line.

The normally reserved Kelly did not shy away from media questions during his post-game press conference last night in Carolina.

“It was unacceptable. He blatantly defied orders to look confused and hesitant when he received a handoff, he didn’t fall down at the slightest bit of contact, and he didn’t meekly tip toe out of bounds five yards behind the line of scrimmage when faced with a linebacker,” Kelly said.

“It’s why he didn’t see the field for more than a few plays after that. It’s all about the system we run in Philadelphia, and he didn’t fit that tonight,” Kelly said.

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Could Steve Spurrier be the next head coach of the Philadelphia Eagles?

steve-spurrierPhiladelphia, PA – The Old Ball coach, having just announced his retirement from college football, may just be on his way to professional football.

Numerous sources have contacted the Coggin Toboggan that have said Jeff Lurie reportedly desires Spurrier to be the next head coach of the Philadelphia Eagles.

Several pro football analysts went on record and said Spurrier would be a “perfect head coach” for the Philadelphia Eagles, who have grown stale and predictable under head coach Chip Kelly.

Kelly still has several years left on his contract, but sources are saying Lurie would “do anything” to get spurrier onto the team.

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Bobby Hoying reappears, demands starting quarterback job with Eagles

Bobby HoyingPhiladelphia, PA – Bobby Hoying barged into the NovaCare Complete this morning, shaking hands with players and introducing himself as “the new starting ball slinger for this sorry ass state of a football team.”

Last seen fleeing the premises of the Wells Fargo Center after the Wing Bowl in January to welch on a $10,000 gambling debt, Hoying said he had to “cool his heels” down in Mexico and reinvigorated his game taking part in one of the Mexican cartel’s American Football teams.

“I had my head on the chopping block after pissing off the wrong hombre down in Mexico, when luckily one of those amigos remembered me from my days with the Oakland Raiders. As luck would have it, their starting quarterback had been executed gangland style after showing up light a few kilos come payment time and ol’ Bobby got the job,” Hoying said.

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Breaking News: Chip Kelly requires four gym credits before becoming a starter

092313-kelly-chip-eagles-600Philadelphia, PA – Chip Kelly continues to be connected to the college football game, as several ex-Eagles are now claiming he requires all starters to complete at least four credits of gym before taking the field as a starter for the Eagles.

Former guard Evan Mathis said Kelly personally administered a swimming test before he was allowed to start for the squad two seasons ago.

“He said I was shy four credits and the only way I could get on the field as an Eagle would be if I could swim five complete laps and tread water for three minutes,” Mathis said, now a member of the Denver Broncos. “He personally escorted me to the pool for my test and badgered me about how my junior year was going so far. I was 31.”

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Buzz Bissinger announces ‘Power of Positivity’ Philadelphia Inquirer column

buzz-bissingerPhiladelphia, PA – In stunning news today, noted curmudgeon and extraordinarily talented journalist Buzz Bissinger announced he would be “looking on the brighter side of life and sports” in a new column he will be writing for the Philadelphia Inquirer.

The column, which will be called “The Power of Positvity and Beyond” will appear daily in the Inquirer and will focus on the lighter side of sports.

“I feel like I’ve been just putting out too much negative energy into the universe for the past several decades. Sure my work is thought provoking, interesting and award winning, but there’s more to life than just ground breaking journalism and hard hitting news. I want to start focusing on the great things this world and this city has to offer,” Bissinger said. “Like the effort from the Phillies this year. Can we give them a round of applause? They came out and played hard each game. Great organization.”

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Fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk me

chipI’d wager every Eagles fan became aware they had ESP yesterday around 4 p.m. when the Redskins received the  back, down four, with just around three minutes to play. Every single fan knew, they KNEW in their hearts the Redskins were going to have a lengthy drive, score a touchdown, and the Eagles would lose by three points.

The narrative was too perfect. They would lose by three after their newly signed “kicker” had left four extremely easy points on the field.

Kirk Cousins of all people would lead his team down the field for the victory. Even Kirk Cousins’ parents didn’t think he would do it, they were leaving the stadium to beat the traffic before the game actually ended.

Holy shit that was painful. After cursing god for hours I sat in a dark room until midnight and wished curses upon all those who had wronged me. It was a nice evening.

Is Caleb Sturgis an avid Coggin Toboggan reader and actually read this article before the game? If he did, then I’d like to apologize to Eagles fans everywhere and I’ll have to start working on a new one where he quits football to do something worthy of his skills, like a janitor or a used car salesman, because he certainly isn’t a good enough kicker.

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Kiko Alonso undergoes leg amputation, questionable for Sunday’s game

HjDqsVLKPhiladelphia, PA – Mystery is still surrounding the injury status of Eagles inside linebacker Kiko Alonso, who has yet to be officially ruled out of Sunday’s game against the Washington Redskins despite undergoing an emergency amputation of his injured leg.

While having his knee scoped by Dr. James Andrews, the esteemed doctor detected massive amounts of necrosis and infection in his injured left knee and had to order an immediate amputation of the linebackers leg just above his banged up keen.

“Well, we’re going to see with Kiko. He may be able to rehab the injury, he may have to get additional surgery. We’re just not sure where he is right now,” Chip Kelly said before Thursday’s practice.

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