Philadelphia, PA – As both teams are out of contention for the playoffs and no unnecessary injuries are needed in the final game of the season, head coaches Chip Kelly and Tom Coughlin agreed to play under “rough touch” rules.
No tackling to the ground will be allowed for the final, utterly pointless game between the two horrendously underachieving teams.
I would say we are, yes.
2015 is the worst year I can remember experiencing in this city. The Phillies lose close to 100 games, the Eagles miss out on the playoffs with one of the most HATEABLE rosters in franchise history, the 76ers are historically terrible, and the Flyers are far and away the only bright spot in the city and they’re three games over .500.
It has not been a great year for sports in this city.
Philadelphia, PA – As a result of several Carolina Panthers menacingly wielding a bat toward New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. this past weekend, the NFL has banned all accessories and non-essential items during pre-game warmups.
The ban has negatively affected several member of the Eagles. Sam Bradford, for one, typically walked out onto the field during warmups using a pair of crutches.
A rare sight, DeMarco Murray with his helmet on and holding a football.
Philadelphia, PA – DeMarco Murray heard from the NFL front office Tuesday morning and learned he will receive a one game suspension for his horrendous inactions during Sunday night’s blowout loss against the Cardinals.
The league suspended Murray for his “egregious disregard to playing the game of football” and for multiple “deep shoulder shrugs” and “eye rolls” directed towards the heavens.
Shady BURSTS into the locker room, skipping and hollering into the visitor’s locker room at Lincoln Financial Field, screaming obscenities in the direction of the Eagles locker room.
“FUCK YEAH, FUCK YEAH, that’s what you mother fuckers get when you let Shady go in the offseason, fuck this city, fuck this team, McCoy mother fucker! I am the god damn man!” he screams, slamming his helmet down onto the ground.
McCoy, so enthused at the win, starts to play air guitar to a song only he can hear.
Buffalo, NY – Speaking to Buffalo media after practice Wednesday, LeSean McCoy doubled down on his Chip Kelly criticism and said there was no way he would shake the former coach’s hand when the Bills play the Eagles on Sunday in Philadelphia.
He did not, however, rule out sucking and nibbling on Kelly’s earlobe a bit before the game.
“Man, Chip can’t shake shit. There’s no way I shake his hand,” McCoy said. “But am I going to say I won’t slide up behind him, wrap my arms around his chest, and suck a little bit on that fat, low hanging earlobe? I’m not saying that at all.”
Philadelphia, PA – On his way to a press conference Monday afternoon to address the media after he was cut, former Eagles wide receiver Miles Austin took an incorrect route and somehow ended up in Camden.
The befuddled wide receiver wandered through the dangerous streets for nearly 45 minutes before disappearing.
Neither team representatives or family members had any idea how Austin had gotten away from his professional handlers, who routinely have to remind him about team functions, practices, games, and specific plays after they are called for in game.
Foxborough, Mass – Following the improbable 35-28 victory over the mighty New England Patriots, Chip Kelly had to answer questions following the win on why he decided to limit or even outright bench running back DeMarco Murray for nearly the entire second half.
When asked head on why Murray sat in favor of veteran Darren Sproles and relative unknown Kenjon Barner in the biggest game of the year, keen observers noticed a faint smile creep up on the corners of Kelly’s mouth.
“We’re…umm….saving him for the playoffs. Yeah, that’s the ticket!” Kelly said.
Philadelphia, PA – Ray Didinger, the normally calm and collected Hall of Fame football analyst, continued his whirlwind media freak-out tour after the Eagles lost to the lowly Miami Dolphins 20-19 this past Sunday.
Didinger harshly criticized Kelly on Sunday after the game when Kelly mentioned he was happy the team had run 88 plays during the course of the game.
Chip Kelly is in hell.
Philadelphia, PA – Oh sweet irony. In a plot line so hackneyed it would have been rejected by every Twilight Zone writer, Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly was officially traded to Tennessee early this morning. However, the head coach will not be reunited with the quarterback he coached in college and so coveted going into this year’s draft, as Kelly was traded for Marcus Mariota.
Mariota received a heroes welcome from the media this afternoon, immediately being named the starting quarterback over struggling Sam Bradford. Thousands greeted his plane on the tarmac of Philadelphia International Airport, showering the young quarterback with praise and admiration.
A taxi cab came to pick up Kelly at the Nashville International Airport and misspelled his last name with an ‘E.’