Full of vim and vigor.
Philadelphia, PA – Jerry Colangelo, the new Chairman of Basketball Operations for the Philadelphia 76ers, announced he will take great care in turning around the franchise that has been the subject of heavy criticism around the league.
Colangelo also announced he would take a three-hour nap from noon to 3 p.m., enjoy a lovely early-bird dinner at 4 p.m., and be ready for half-an-hour of work before calling it a night at 5:30 p.m.
Philadelphia, PA – Kobe Bryant, a sure first-ballot hall of famer, met with the media before playing his final game in Philadelphia after announcing he would retire at the end of the season.
The oft-vilified Bryant was all smiles as he described how much he would miss the city, its fans, and its tight-lipped women.
Philadelphia, PA – Not believing his rash of bad luck in the past week, 76ers center looked skyward after news released of his traffic stop on the Ben Franklin Bridge for driving 108 MPH and jokingly told his teammates “at least it’s not raining!” before going to field questions from the media.
Minutes later CIA agents were arresting the embattled rookie for high treason against the U.S. government.
“We had reason to believe Mr. Okafor was selling some of our most sensitive nuclear secrets to the Chinese,” said CIA spokesman Richard Grant. “After a high tech sting with some of our highest operatives, we have reached the rock-solid conclusion that he is one of America’s greatest internal enemies.”
Philadelphia, PA – Several sources have cited that a number of 76ers are questioning the official height of the baskets at the Wells Fargo Center.
When questioned, several on the roster went on record and have claimed the rims are “much higher than 10-feet tall.”
Philadelphia, PA – Despite losing their 12th game in a row to open the 2015-2016 NBA season, morale in the 76ers locker room remained high after Brett Brown informed the team they would indeed be allowed to keep their jerseys after the season ended.
“No fooling? You mean I get to keep this jersey? That is just way too cool!” 76ers rookie TJ McConnell said to Brown. “That is so killer! I’m going to wear this everywhere I go, awesome! It even has my last name on the back of it, just like the pros wear!”
Philadelphia, PA – After the 76ers dropped their eighth game in a row to open the season, the franchise received some good news for one of its athletes.
Jahlil Okafor, currently the only bright spot in an otherwise dim season, told 76ers representatives he had reach a verbal agreement to return to Duke University this season.
“Great for Jahlil. He deserves to play for a winning franchise,” GM Sam Hinkie said. “We couldn’t be happier for him. It’s a great career move for him and will really help him turn into the basketball player he wants to be.”
Okafor said he couldn’t wait for the NCAA season to begin.
Philadelphia, PA – A vocal majority of basketball fans across the country are claiming the Philadelphia 76ers are “waging a war against basketball, Christmas, and all that is holy” this holiday season every time the team wears their new red uniforms.
Joshua Feuerstein, a former pastor who now calls himself a “social media personality,” has been leading a charge against the 76ers for their decision to sometimes wear red uniforms during the Christmas season.
“They’re waging a war against basketball…every time they wear those jerseys it’s an affront to the Lord and everything we love about the game,” he said. “It’s a real shame that they’re choosing to wear red, a traditional color of Christmas, and they’re this putrid of a team. Can’t they stick to their white uniforms and leave Christmas alone?”
The 76ers, 0-7 on the year, have not won a game since last March. Basketball fans cross the country have been criticizing the contents of the 76ers red uniforms so close to Christmas.
Many are calling for a boycott of the 76ers if they do not shelve the special red uniforms until after the holiday season.
Public enemy #1 at the Wells Fargo Center.
Philadelphia, PA – Scott O’Neil, Chief Executive Officer of the Philadelphia 76ers, said the team has been forced to create a “Howard Eskin free zone” around the Wells Fargo Center following the media personality’s rant on Twitter about the state of the franchise.
The 76ers perhaps took a page out of the University of Missouri’s playbook, where representatives ironically created a media-free “safe space” for student protesters, despite it being located in a public area.
“We need to be able to do our jobs without the distraction of Howard Eskin. Did you see how many tweets he levied my way this afternoon? I don’t know what to do,” a visibly shaken O’Neil said.
Lomax (center) has signed a one-year deal with the 76ers.
The Coggin Toboggan has an anonymous, high ranking source in the Philadelphia 76ers front office willing to provide the blog with all of the up to date moves Sixers GM Sam Hinkie makes during the season. The CT will keep its readers updated on all of the trades, free agent signings and special promotions the 76ers have planned for the future.
Having been granted a 16th roster spot for the year, the Philadelphia 76ers have rounded out their squad with a fresh, young, and hilarious new talent that will surely entertain generations to come.
The 76ers announced they have signed Bernie Lomax and his two assistants, Larry Wilson and Richard Parker, to a one-year deal.
Lomax reportedly kept Hinkie in stitches during their meeting with his fun loving attitude and humorous adventures.
Let’s go to the tale of the tape to see just how Bernie may help the team this year.
I’ve watched 16 minutes of the first period of the Flyers game against the Edmonton Oilers, who are 4-8, and have outshot the Flyers by 16-2 so far.
The Eagles are so bad this season the fan base practically begged the Eagles to seriously consider parting ways with draft picks to trade for Colin Kaepernick. Kaepernick was benched this week in favor of backup QB Blaine Gabbert, the very same Blaine Gabbert who has thrown more interceptions in his professional career than touchdowns.
They want him to replace Sam Bradford. Bradford has the longest sleeves in the NFL. That’s the only positive you can mention about him this season.
It’s going to be a shitty winter. Perhaps Phil Connors said it best, “I’ll give you a winter prediction: It’s gonna be cold, it’s gonna be grey, and it’s gonna last you for the rest of your life.”
The Coggin Toboggan 