Philadelphia dogs rejected from the Puppy Bowl

Animal Planet showcases the cutest puppies across America in the annual Puppy Bowl, a two-hour extravaganza repeated all day throughout Super Bowl Sunday. Puppies are brought in from animal shelters across the country to audition for the event and hopefully be picked to appear on television. All of the puppies are typically adopted at the end of the event.

The CT has received a top-secret list of dogs who were rejected from appearing in this year’s Puppy Bowl. We scoured the entire list and found several dogs from the Philadelphia area who didn’t make the cut.

Rum Tum Tugger, seen frolicking in a meadow.

Rum Tum Tugger (Center City, Bichon Frise) – Passed the auditions with flying colors, but tore all four ACLs when romping with another puppy during the finals. Went to live the rest of his days out on a farm far, far away in the country, with plenty of space for running and jumping and frolicking. No, no, I’m sorry, we can’t go visit him Timmy, he is far too happy in his new life to ever be seen again.

Rolf, who heard the name Lipstein in the distance.

Rolf (King of Prussia, German Shepherd) – Was immediately disqualified when he would not stop barking at the Jewish dog in attendance.

the Dog, Adam.

Adam the Dog (Northern Liberties, Yellow lab) – Was set to appear in the Puppy Bowl, but disqualified after his urine sample was determined to be tainted with PCP.

Pretentious Fifi, probably thinking about some new craft dog food or band “you’ve never heard of.”

Fifi (Germantown, Poodle) – Ultimately determined to be too much of a hipster for the puppy bowl.

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Marbles being terrible, because he’s a cat.

Marbles (North Philadelphia, Russia Blue) – Disqualified for being a stupid cat.

Obscure Philadelphia Athlete of the Week: JD “The Real Deal” Durbin

JD “The Real Deal” Durbin! Oh JD, you bring a smile to my face. Perhaps the least accomplished pitcher in Philadelphia Phillies history with a nickname (albeit it self dubbed), Durbin appeared in 18 games for the Phillies in 2007, starting 10 of them and going 6-5 with a 5.15 ERA.

He was obtained by the Phillies halfway through the season from the Arizona Diamondbacks. It’s a wonder as to why the Diamondbacks let him go, as he did appear in one game for them that season, in which he pitched two-thirds of an inning and gave up 7 hits, 7 runs, all of them earned for an ERA of 94.50.

But he’s the Real Deal! According to legend, after he made his first professional start in the Minnesota Twins farm team, he came back to the dugout after the first inning and told a teammate, “That’s why they call me the real deal.”

JD “The Real Deal” Durbin, most likely pissing someone off.

If only that brashness could have translated itself into some form of success in the major leagues. After he was released by the Phillies in 2005, he never appeared in another major league game.

JD Durbin Fun Facts:

• JD once threw a baseball into the stands after a game in 2007, striking Howard Eskin in the head and knocking him unconscious for several minutes. It was the largest ovation from fans Durbin would receive all season.

• Thought professional wrestling was real until he was 22.

• Started his own car dealership, Durbin’s Dodges, “where every deal is a real deal!” Was bankrupt in six months.

• His favorite move is “Beaches.” Tells people his favorite movie is “Die Hard.”

• Once tried to break the ice with JD Salinger by mentioning they shared the same first name. Was thoroughly dismissed.

• Once tried to break Cool Hand Luke’s record of eating 50 hardboiled eggs in one hour. Passed out on the clubhouse floor after number 35. Remained face down on the rug until 2 a.m. No teammate bothered to call the paramedics.

Eyewitnesses: Big Shot waiting outside WFC to kick someone’s ass

Big Shot, at the Spectrum in the early 90s. Was known mainly for scaring little children.

Wells Fargo Center – Puzzled Flyers fans are reporting that former Philadelphia 76ers mascot Big Shot has been seen walking around the Wells Fargo Center, trying to gain entry into the arena.

Big Shot has not been the mascot of the 76ers since the early 90s and hasn’t been seen in the area for over 20 years. Apparently, he’s outside of the WFC looking to kick someone’s ass.

The 76ers are not scheduled to play tonight. The Flyers are taking on the Winnipeg Jets at 7 p.m. at the WFC.

“I don’t know what he’s doing, or why he was here tonight, but I brought my son up to see him and he rebuffed us pretty good,” a shaken Tony Carchelleti told the CT. “He pushed my son down to the ground and continued to try and charge into the arena at each exit, only to be stopped by security each time.”

The usually jovial mascot was seen stomping up and down the WFC outdoors concourse, making obscene gestures to the building and remaining silent at all times.

At one point, an anonymous emailer said they saw Big Shot brandish a knife to someone inside the building, making exaggerated slashing motions to his throat.

“I don’t know what he’s doing here, but he is pissed off at something. What is going through that bastards purple head?” said Edward Cucholochio, head of security at the WFC. “All I know is if he gets in here I might have to order my guys to give him a bit of a wood shampoo with their billy clubs, if you know what I mean.”

The CT will update this story as soon as more information is available.

What’s the deal with Marcus Mariota?

Jerry Seinfeld checks in with the Toboggan every now and again to provide a hot take about Philadelphia sports, the way only a neurotic Jewish comedian can. For best results, please read the following in a stereotypical Jerry Seinfeld 90s voice.

What’s the deal with Oregon quarterback Marcus Mariota?! He runs, he passes, he runs, he passes, make up your mind already and stick with it! And who know what the Eagles will do, will they give up their future and trade for him, or will they come out looking worse than I did wearing the Puffy Shirt on the Bryant Gumbel show?! But I don’t want to be a pirate!

Give it up Philadelphia, you’re not getting him! Why would a team trade their top five pick to the Eagles?! You don’t want Foles, you don’t want the 20th overall pick, it just doesn’t make sense! It’s like Elaine trying to flip a gay guy to our team, it just won’t work! The Eagles just don’t have enough access to the equipment!

It’s like back in ’95 when we wanted to trade Kenny Bania to Friends for that Joey kid, Matthew Leblanc. Larry was really hot on him, really thought he had the goods. We offered them Bania, access to Monk’s Coffee Shop for a special crossover shoot, and 10 minutes in a trailer for Matthew Perry and all of the cocaine he could handle, no questions asked. They mulled it over, but they didn’t want to let him go because the creator of Friends had a 10% stake in Matt LeBlanc’s upcoming movie “Ed.” It was him and a chimp who could play baseball, and frankly, most of us thought the chimp was a better actor except for Larry.

I convinced Larry to pull the offer off the table when I told him LeBlanc was an anti-semite after he overcooked Larry’s hamburger at the NBC summer luncheon. You don’t just overcook a hamburger Larry, it doesn’t just happen!

What’s the deal!?

Interview with stand-up comedian Adam Ferrara

A car guy with a great sense of humor, stand up comedian Adam Ferrara has been entertaining comedy and television audiences since the early 90s. One of the stars of the U.S. version of Top Gear on the History channel, Ferrara also shares the screen with Edie Falco in the hit series Nurse Jackie on Showtime.

Previously, Ferrara starred with Denis Leary in the Emmy nominated FX drama Rescue Me.

An internationally touring comedian, Ferrara has three Comedy Central specials and is a two-time nominee as best-male stand up by the American Comedy Awards.

Ferrara will be playing six shows at the Helium Comedy Club in Philadelphia from Thursday, Feb. 19 to Sunday, Feb. 22. You can purchase tickets here.

Despite being a die-hard Mets fan, Ferrara decided to waste his time and talk to us about his upcoming projects, sports fandom and his love of cars. For more information on Ferrara and upcoming show dates, visit his website here.

The CT : So obviously, as a host of the American version of “Top Gear” on the History Channel, you have to be interested in cars and automobile culture. Growing up in New York, did you foster a love for cars and know anything about putting them together? How did the interest come about?

Adam Ferrara: At a very young age I developed an emotional attachment to cars. My dad was my hero and I would be right by his side in the garage as he worked on cars. We quickly figured out my mechanical ability, so my job was to hold the light. I cannot wrench, but he taught me how cars work and their importance. He impressed upon me that a car is freedom and a form of escape. To this day when I need to think I take my 1970 deuce and quarter and drive up the coast.

The CT : You’ve driven/retrofitted a ton of odd cars on Top Gear. What was the car you had the best success with? Was the aquatic car in season four one of the biggest disasters you’ve had on the show?

Adam Ferrara: Define disaster? Yes, it was an amphibious car that sank. However, it did fine on land, so I’m batting .500. The first success that comes to mind was a ’69 Lincoln Mark III that I made into a Pope mobile. I picked up Cloris Leachman in it and drove her to the Emmys. We almost made it. The car did fine, I got lost and ran over spikes that popped my tires, Cloris called me an asshole and walked away but the car did fine.

The CT : What does it say about me that the previous two cars I’ve owned have been a 2006 Toyota Scion XA and a 1987 Volkswagen Jetta (a stick shift my friends called “The Bitch”).

Adam Ferrara: That you’re very thrifty.

The CT : Obviously you’re a sports guy and I love asking this question. This site was created in honor of an irrelevant Philadelphia Phillies pitcher that appeared in like 23 games for the Phillies in the early 2000s, David Coggin. Are there any irrelevant athletes that you grew up watching that you still find yourself thinking about every now again? That you were a fan of despite of their ineptitude?

Adam Ferrara: Hardly irrelevant and certainly not inept, but I do think about a little known defensive tackle for the New York Jets, #77 Carl Barzilauskas. He played from 1974 to 1977 for the Jets and was then traded to Green Bay in 78-79. When I was a kid my dad gave me a NY Jets football uniform and the jersey was #77. From that day on Carl was my guy.

The CT : You’re a New York guy, Dennis Leary is a Boston guy. I’m assuming you both fought each other numerous times in 2008 on the set of Rescue Me prior, during and after Super Bowl XLIII. Who talked the most shit?

Adam Ferrara: Both of us. No more than usual.

The CT : You’re playing at the Helium Comedy club from Thursday, Feb. 19 to Sunday, Feb. 22. You’ve played Philly before, how do the crowds treat you here? Any interesting stage stories during a performance here?

Adam Ferrara: Nothing from onstage but when you play Philly you always have to bring your A-game. Don’t take any chances, you guys threw snowballs at Santa Claus.

The CT : Last question, because this is a Philadelphia sports blog, what was more painful, the recent 76ers/Knicks game (which was an affront to all that is holy) or the Mets collapse in 2007?

Adam Ferrara: The Mets. I’m a Mets fan, Mets and Jets because why should my life be easy.

Freddie Mitchell to Marshawn Lynch: Have some respect

Parts Unknown – Freddie Mitchell, former Eagles wide receiver, emailed a press release to thousands of media outlets across the country, urging Marshawn Lynch to open his mouth, speak to the media and stop disrespecting the game of football.

The email, sent from FredEx69@aol.com, has yet to be responded too by any national media outlet on the email chain.

“Man, he’s a chump. Whatever happened to respect for the game of football and for your fellow athletes? This kid just doesn’t have it,” Mitchell said in the release.

Mitchell, who has taken every public speaking opportunity since 2005 to bash former Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb, decried Lynch and his “disrespectful attitude to the NFL, and to any children who may be watching the media event.”

Mitchell, who once demanded a booth to himself during the 2004 Super Bowl media day, thanked his own hands after hauling in the famous “fourth and 26” pass from McNabb , held out from Training Camp in 2005 despite having accomplished nothing of importance the year before, and claimed he was blackballed from the NFL by both Andy Reid and McNabb, said Lynch needs to “straighten up, fly right, and be much less immature.”

Mitchell, who was given a 37-month prison sentence for conspiring to file a false tax claim with the federal government in 2012, who was arrested in 2009 due to an outstanding warrant for failure to pay child support, and who was investigated in 2009 by the federal government after a 7-pound bag of marijuana was delivered to a restaurant he owned, said Lynch should “look to me as a shining example of how an athlete should act.”

As of press time, Mitchell was being investigated by the FBI for his apparent involvement in Don Tollefson’s ticket scam.

Wing Bowl 23 favorites and long shots

The very subtle Wing Bowl 23 logo.

The most morbidly obese eating challenge in Philadelphia is nearly upon us, as Wing Bowl 23 is set to kick off at the Wells Fargo Center on Friday, Jan. 30. Originally developed by 94 WIP Morning Show’s Angelo Cataldi as a way to fight the stereotype of Philadelphia being a city filled with only gluttonous, boorish, drunken blue collar slobs, the Wing Bowl opens its doors each year for thousands of gluttonous, boorish, drunken blue collar slobs to get shit faced at 4 a.m.

If there’s anything this city likes more than drinking and watching fat guys eat as many chicken wings as they can in 30 minutes, it’s gambling on fat guys eating as many chicken wings as they can in 30 minutes. The CT has released a list of odds on the favorites in the competition, as well as a few long shots who just may take home first place in the competition.

As it has been in the past, first place for the Wing Bowl is an all expense paid trip to Jefferson Hospital for an emergency stent procedure.

The Favorites:

• Bill Simmons (aka El Wingador) – 2:1 to win – A former Wing Bowl champion, Simmons has agreed to come out of retirement for one last shot at glory. Simmons ran afoul of the law several years ago for a drug possession charge, but has assured Wing Bowl representatives he will only be selling cocaine prior to and after the competition. He will, though, be high on cocaine the entire day, but that’s just common sense.

• George “The Dumpster” Hammerstein – 6:1 to win – Hammerstein was recently diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes, which shows his dedication. May miss the competition, unfortunately, if he can’t have his foot amputation surgery rescheduled.

• You – 10:1 – Come on man, what are you a pussy? Just jump down there and run through the crowd. If you can get by the security and get up on the podium, I’m sure Angelo would let you join, he would like have to! Don’t be a loser, just try it! Holy shit, he’s doing it Sully, he’s doing it! Oh god his wife is going to be so pissed.

The Long Shots:

• Mick Foley (aka Mankind, aka Dude Love, aka Cactus Jack) – 30:1 – Former professional wrestler Mick Foley signed up for the competition several weeks ago (no, it’s really true). The Hardcore legend is rumored to have a bottomless stomach, but has shown an unwillingness to show up to events if his barbed wire wrapped baseball bat is not allowed through security. Will have to focus on eating wings and resist urges to smash folding chairs across other competitors’ backs if he wishes to have success.

• Ryan Howard – 40:1 to win – Current Philadelphia Phillies first baseman signed on for the competition in lieu of preparing for spring training. When asked why he thought he had a chance to win, Howard proclaimed “Philadelphia fans have been calling me a fat piece of crap all year, so I’ll fit right in here.”

• A sense of dignity for anyone involved in this shit show – 1,000:1 – Don’t waste your time.

Giroux barely keeping straight face while discussing Rinaldo suspension

Zac Rinaldo, moments before probably being suspended.

Philadelphia, PA – Claude Giroux valiantly tried to suppress several giggles at a press conference yesterday to discuss the eight-game suspension of teammate Zac Rinaldo.

“Yeah, it’s umm…umm….it’s going to be really tough….oh god guys give me a few seconds here,” Giroux said, trying not to break down in fits of laughter as he tried to form a coherent response. “Woo….just have to get through this. Why are we even talking about this? I mean, how are we EVER going to get by without Zac? I mean, 4 points and a -7 in 36 games this season, yeah, who is going to be able to put up those numbers.”

Giroux audibly chortled several times during his address to the press, his face turning beet red during several moments as he tried to stop from laughing.

Giroux finally couldn’t contain himself and laughed for three-minutes straight after Sam Charchidi asked him if any of the younger players on the team would be able to fill Rinaldo’s shoes for eight games.

“I think Frank Bialowas could strap on skates at this point and at least hover around a -7, and I heard he couldn’t even skate backwards,” Giroux said, punctuating his response by flipping off Charchidi for 25 uninterrupted seconds.

The last time Giroux had such a difficult time getting through a press conference was when Randy Miller asked him if he thought Dan Carcillo was the “heart and soul” of the 2009 roster.

Interview with stand-up comedian Jim Florentine

Stand-up comedian Jim Florentine, most likely making a dick joke.

Stand-up comedian Jim Florentine may have one of the most distinct voices on stage, on radio, in the Podcast world and on television. If you don’t recognize his face, odds are you’ve probably heard his gravelly voice on the Opie and Jim Norton show (formerly Opie and Anthony), the Howard Stern Radio and TV show, or co-hosting VH1 Classic’s That Metal Show alongside Eddie Trunk and Don Jamieson.

Florentine also voiced and created the most well known character on Comedy Central’s Crank Yankers, “Special Ed” for four seasons.

His Podcast, “Comedy, Metal, Midgets,” was launched in 2011 and is consistently in the top-20 comedy podcasts downloaded on iTunes. You can also find it on Riotcast at www.riotcast.com/jimflorentine.

Florentine will be appearing at the Valley Forge Casino with Dave Attell and the Comedy Underground on Friday, Feb. 6, 8 p.m. The first show has been sold out, but a second show has been added and you can buy tickets here.

Florentine with his Crank Yankers character, “Special Ed.”

Florentine took some time to listen to our nonsense at The Coggin Toboggan and to plug his upcoming show. Go see the upcoming dates for Florentine’s gigs at his website, www.jimflorentine.com.

The CT : Based on your podcast and your appearances on the Opie and Jim Norton show, it’s obvious you’re a big sports fan, but why the love for the Miami Dolphins? Around Philly there are surprisingly quite a few Dallas Cowboys fans who saw them play on TV a ton in the 1970s when they were growing up, and because the Eagles were so terrible, they threw their fandom behind a successful franchise and had rocks thrown at them as a result. Was it something like that?

Jim Florentine: I picked the Dolphins as a little kid and always stuck with them through the years. Thank God I didn’t become a Jet fan. I have enough misery in my life.

The CT : I take it your favorite sport is football, but is there anything about the NFL that drives you insane? Personally, I want to kick my foot through the TV every time Hilary Swank shows up fake crying about domestic violence.

Jim Florentine: So much annoys me about the NFL. Super Bowl halftime choices, penalties on every play, and shitty Thursday night games come to mind.

The CT : This site was created in honor of an irrelevant Philadelphia Phillies pitcher that appeared in like 23 games for the Phillies in the early 2000s, David Coggin. He’s a pointless athlete, but for some reason he’s been stuck in my head ever since. He was terrible. Are there any irrelevant athletes that you grew up watching that you still find yourself thinking about every now again? That you were a fan of despite of their ineptitude?

Jim Florentine: The guy that comes to mind is not an athlete but a coach Dave Wannstedt. He was with the Dolphins for 4 years and was horrific. The only thing worse than his coaching was his mustache.

The CT : Any sports memories that still make you cringe when you think about them? I still think about Joe Carter hitting the home run in game 6 of the 1993 World Series to beat the Phillies. I was 11. I cried. I was, and still remain, a huge pussy.

Jim Florentine: I’m a San Francisco Giant fan and the 2002 World Series when they were 9 outs away in game 6 up by 5 runs killed me. Of course they lost game 7 too because Dusty Baker can’t manage a big game.

The CT : Ever been to Veterans Stadium when it was still around? If so, how many batteries were thrown at you?

Jim Florentine: When I was 14 I went to a Phillies Giants game at the Vet. I was in left field for batting practice and Pete Rose hit a home run. I went to catch it with my bare hands right at the railing just over the fence and my hand smacked up against it. I had to get 6 stitches in my hand and couldn’t start in my little league all-star game the next day. And to top it off, I dropped the ball and it landed on the field.

The CT : You talked a lot about your hatred of fantasy football in an episode of your Podcast, “Comedy, Metal, Midgets.” How much backlash do you get from fantasy fans who feel the need to defend the game to you?

Jim Florentine: I don’t get any backlash from people who play fantasy football because I don’t hang out with nerds.

The CT : You’ll be performing at the Valley Forge Casino in King of Prussia on Friday, Feb. 6, as part of the Comedy Underground Live. You’ve played in Philadelphia and in the area a lot beforehand, so you know what this city is like. The national media loves to portray our sports fans as pieces of shit. As an outsider looking in, we are kind of pieces of shit, aren’t we?

Jim Florentine: I love Philly sports fans. They are angry and miserable just like me.

The CT : Last question, who’s the dirtier comedian. The late great Otto from Otto and George, or Jim Norton? Both are in the Hall of Fame in terms of filth, but I’m afraid we do need an official ruling.

Jim Florentine: The late great Otto.

Bobby Hoying no shows Pro Bowl, last seen Saturday night

Phoenix, AZ – Bobby Hoying, a former Eagles quarterback who was surprisingly selected to the 2015 Pro Bowl, did not show up to the event Sunday evening and has yet to be found.

NFL associates wished to keep the news quiet until after the Super Bowl, but reports leaked out this evening that Hoying has not been seen since a Saturday evening “beer bash” the former quarterback had hosted at his self-described “penthouse suite” in a downtown Phoenix Motel 6.

Hoying passed out flyers to his fellow Pro Bowl athletes at Friday afternoon’s final practice. The event was listed as BYOBAP, or as Hoying had to tell several confused teammates, “Bring Your Own Beer And Pussy.”

Jimmy Graham, tight end for the New Orleans Saints, showed up at the party around 9 p.m. and left after five minutes. Graham said he was greeted by an obviously intoxicated Hoying, who immediately handed him a large Ziploc bag of white powder and told him to “be cool and get rid of this uncut booger sugar. There may be some Colombians coming here later that need to powwow with me about that, and I plan on not having it on me, you got it Jimmy G?”

Graham dropped the bag and immediately left after Hoying spotted a “sweet little redhead” and suggested the two of them have some fun with her, “Eiffel tower style, if you know what I mean.”

“Did you ever see that movie ‘Caligula’ back in the late 70s? I guess it was kind of like that, except with way more Busch Lite,” Graham said.

An anonymous Instagram account from a user listed only as “SweetAss69” published several photos of the party. A photo published at 9:09 p.m. showed Hoying in the background hunched over a sink vomiting profusely. A second photo was published at 9:45 p.m. which showed Hoying naked, riding a bicycle through the hotel room to the delight of partygoers. A third photo published at 10:01 p.m. showed a passed out Hoying hunched against the wall, a sombrero covering his head as he was clutching a bottle of Famous Grouse to his chest.

Hoying supposedly disappeared later that evening and has not been seen since. Local police officials are warning residents to not approach Hoying if he is spotted, as he is most likely armed and dangerous.