NFL veteran combine gives a second chance to former athletes

NFL-scouting-combine-01-15-15The NFL held its first ever veterans combine over the weekend, which saw over 400 past athletes participate in drills and exercises in front of team scouts, hoping for just one last shot at glory. While only one athlete has been signed to a contract so far, the CT had representatives at the combine who sent back several notes on players who showed up for the weekend.

Here is who stood out.

Michael Sam – The second year player, drafted by the St. Louis Rams last season, never found a home last year on two NFL rosters. While he did not impress at the veteran’s combine, CT reporters said he showed exemplary reflexes in dodging questions thrown at him from every angle about his sexuality.

Felix Jones – 27-year-old former running back for the Dallas Cowboys described the entire process as a humiliating process where team representatives had to view a gaggle of former athletes with diminished skills still searching for a home on an NFL roster. Said it was one of the most embarrassing moments of his life, even worse than the time Jerry Jones walked in on him taking a shit and wouldn’t stop staring for the entire time.

Michael Bush – Reporters questioned the 30-year-old running backs desire to be at the combine, as he ran the 40-yard-dash in a pair of flip flops.

Brady Quinn – The former quarterback from Notre Dame underwhelmed in arm strength tests, as he could only throw a football 25 yards. His request to switch to a Nerf Turbo football was denied.

Aaron Berry – Former Detroit Lions and New York Jets defensive back, Berry wowed scouts with his poise, speed and agility during drills. After briefly speaking with him after the combine, it was quickly determined that Berry had paid Richard Seymour $50,000 to show up for the day and perform under his name.

Carlton Mitchell – Former wide receiver from the Cleveland Browns, Mitchell did not participate in any drills or events during the day. Reportedly spent the entire afternoon at the complimentary buffet for participants and was seen leaving the arena with trashbags filled to the brim with bagels.

Robert Durst’s NCAA March Madness predictions part II, slaughtering the competition since 1982
If Robert Durst knows one thing and one thing only, it's mens college basketball.

If Robert Durst knows one thing and one thing only, it’s mens college basketball.

Robert Durst, member of the famed Durst real estate family in New York City, will be helping us pick March Madness games this year. His resume was quite impressive, as he noted that he served as ESPN’s primary basketball handicapper for several years in the early 1980s and 2000s. We haven’t been able to get in touch with Robert since Saturday, but we’re happy to have him aboard!

Typically charging an arm and a leg for his services, Durst has slashed his prices for the Toboggan and will be checking in before each round to give his unique take on the upcoming games.

Robert Durst: Well, there it is. You’re caught. You’re right of course, should have listened to everyone else and not picked Virginia to get to the finals. What a disaster. They were right, I was wrong….and the burping. I can’t stop. Stupid Virginia, why did I pick them to get to the finals? I’ll never get over this. What the hell did I do?

Virginia’s game disappeared faster than my first wife.

I’ve never been more disappointed in my life than yesterday. Not even when Barbara was killed by me…I don’t mean “me” of course, I was talking about the journalistic “me,” the “me” in all of us, you know what I mean. ::blinking uncontrollably::

So I’m over it. Whatever. I’ll make sure that coach will never disappoint me again. Maybe even some of his players.

But on to better things. On to the Sweet 16. If I had to bet someone’s life on these games, I’d suggest taking a long hard look at Wichita over Notre Dame. Wichita St. absolutely murdered Kansas yesterday afternoon, ripping the hearts out of their fans.

I also really like Michigan State to advance to the Elite Eight. They’ll have an easier road to the dance now that Villanova is out. They’ll have an easier time than the gentleman who hid my first wife’s body in our backyard lake on Jan. 31, 1982.

The CT: Thank you Mr. Durst.

Robert Durst: May I use the bathroom?

The CT: Of course sir, it’s two doors down to the left. Please make sure you take off your microphone before going into the bathroom, you do remember what happened last time.

::Leaves the room, pulls out his own microphone::

Robert Durst: I can’t wait to kill them all.

Report: 95% of bracket participants in last place in their pools

march-madnessA national report released today shows that 95% of participants who entered a bracket into a March Madness pool are reporting that they are already in last place and have no hope of winning.

This set the record for futility in the annual March Madness tournament, topping last year’s pathetic show of 92% of brackets being busted after the first slate of games.

“I don’t know what happened. I really thought Iowa State had the guard play and the poise to at least reach the elite eight. What am I going to do for the rest of March, I don’t even want to watch these games anymore,” Millions upon millions of dejected fans said Friday morning.

Millions of brackets were crumpled and tossed into nearby trash cans Friday morning, as their owners came to realize they wasted yet another $25 on pools again.

Adding to the frustration, the majority of pool leaders after the first day were secretaries named Helen who were invited into company pools at the final minute. Most of their winners and losers were chosen based on team names and/or mascots.

For 6th year in a row, Ruben Amaro Jr. has no takers for March Madness pool
ruben

Poor Ruben.

Clearwater, Fla – Since being named GM in 2009, Ruben Amaro Jr. has attempted to host an NCAA March Madness pool with members of the Phillies and for six years in a row no athlete or employee has signed up to participate.

“I don’t understand it. Every year I send out an email to everyone and nobody ever gets back to me in time. Nobody sends me brackets. It’s only $10 to join,” Amaro said, as he glumly looked at his computer yesterday afternoon before the start of the first games.

Amaro, who for the record predicted SMU would win the championship and most likely would have lost in the first round, dejectedly had to throw his bracket away for another year.

“I got all this pizza and some sandwiches, I thought everyone could watch the first round together,” he said, as he sat alone in his office, nobody even in the Clearwater complex despite there being no practice or game scheduled for the day. “I really thought some of the new guys would sign up, you know, just to keep on my good side. Grady Sizemore seemed interested, but it just never happened.”

CT reporters caught up with Ryan Howard, who was at a local Buffalo Wild Wings with about 35 of his teammates, and asked the slugger why nobody decided to participate with Ruben.

“He’s an ok guy I guess, but he’s so god damn boring. The last thing anyone wants is to cultivate any personal relationship with him outside of the office….he gets a bit, well, clingy. Everyone remembers the Aaron Rowand incident.”

Howard of course was citing the famed 2006 incident where former center fielder Rowand spent a lengthy amount of time on the DL for breaking his face in a collision with an outfield wall. He made the mistake of going to a bar with Amaro one day after a victory, and the GM called and texted him with abandon for the rest of the season.

“Besides, Larry Andersen holds one every year and it’s great. Everyone wants to do his,” Howard said.

Andersen, who was watching the games with two high priced escorts on his lap, pounded his Miller Lite and agreed with Howard.

“Ruben is a square. Nobody wants to hang out with him when they could hang out with good ol’ LA. Isn’t that right ladies?” He said, doing a bump of cocaine off of a Bowie knife that he sheathed back into a leather holster. “Winner of my tourney gets a huge pot and a hooker on LA’s tab. Not a bad haul if you ask me.”

As of press time, Amaro was pouring several liters of Shasta down a drain in the men’s room.

Interview with stand-up comedian Dan Soder

Dan_Soder_SEA West Coast guy who moved to New York City to get serious about comedy, Dan Soder has been entertaining fans at comedy clubs, podcasts, television and radio since the 2000s. Soder is playing the Helium Comedy club this Thursday, March 19, to Sunday, March 22, for the first time in his career.

Soder is a regular on the YKWD Podcast with fellow stand-up Robert Kelly and has been featured on Comedy Central’s Live at Gotham. He’s also appeared numerous times on the Opie and Jim Norton Show (formerly Opie and Anthony) on Sirius XM radio.

He’s performed on the Conan O’Brien show and is a cast member of MTV 2’s Guy Code.

Soder will be playing six shows at Helium this Thursday, March 19, to Sunday, March 22. You can purchase tickets for the shows here.

Luckily for us, Soder is a huge sports fan and decided to waste his time answering our idiotic, and quite frankly, pointless questions.

Go see Dan this weekend, or check out his website for future show dates here.

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Tom McCarthy absolutely rips Phillies: “They’re great, but not excellent”
What's wrong, Tom?

What’s wrong, Tom?

Clearwater, FLA – In a rare moment of candor, company stooge and play-by-play man for the Philadelphia Phillies, Tom McCarthy, finally opened up and blasted the Phillies for their play this spring training.

“Believe me, I think this is a great, great team,” McCarthy said, effectively tearing the squad a new one. “But they’re not excellent. Don’t get me wrong, do I think they can be? Absolutely. But they’re not their yet.”

He continued the lambasting, predicting the Phillies would “100%” finish in first place in the National League East, but most likely would not have the best record in the National League.

It was a welcome moment of fresh air from McCarthy, who has long been criticized for toeing the company line and never speaking out against the team or its play.

“Do I think Ryan Howard could hit between 65 and 70 home runs this year? If he stays healthy, that shouldn’t be out of the realm of possibility. But in all reality, I see him somewhere in the 55 to 60 home run range,” McCarthy said, practically bitch slapping Howard from the broadcasting booth.

“Oh he’s safe and secure with New York Life!” McCarthy bellowed as Howard flied out to center field, though without his usual zest for promos.

Ben Davis, McCarthy’s newest color man, expressed surprise at Tmac taking the Phillies to task.

“It’s really weird, actually. I’ve only been working with Tom since the beginning of Spring, but you can tell something is off. When Ruben Amaro came in the booth earlier this week to discuss some of his plans for the season, Tom only hugged him three times during the interview. So strange.”

As of press time, McCarthy was sitting with his head in his hands in a darkened broadcast booth, muttering “oppo boppo” quietly to himself over and over.

Despite perfect health, Chip Kelly is urging Marcus Smith to think things over
Looking a little woozy, ehh Marcus?

Looking a little woozy, ehh Marcus?

Philadelphia, PA – Following the abrupt retirement of San Francisco rookie linebacker Chris Borland, Chip Kelly reportedly contacted Marcus Smith yesterday afternoon to advise the second year linebacker to “think things over” and “to put his health above everything else.”

“You don’t know what’s going to happen, Marcus. Anything can happen in this crazy game and I really think you need to think of your family and friends. Take a long, hard look at your career, I’d hate to see you make a mistake,” Kelly said, reportedly with an arm around Smith as the two walked down the Novacare Center.

Smith was visibly confused at Kelly’s request, as the slightly-used and disappointing rookie was perfectly healthy at the end of last season and had suffered no setbacks whatsoever during the off season.

Kelly remarked that Smith was walking with a visible limp, despite the rookie walking with a perfectly fine gait.

“How are those knees? I see you’re wobbling a bit there, maybe some post concussion symptoms that may still be lingering around from the season?” Kelly asked, despite Smith having suffered no concussions this past year. “Just think it over big guy. I respect you way too much to put you out on that field when your health is suffering like this.”

As of press time, Kelly was diagnosing Smith with chronic traumatic encephalopathy and was drafting up his retirement papers and forging his signature.

Drunken, shirtless Ron Hextall announces he’ll be starting in goal tonight

hextall080614_672Vancouver, British Columbia – Perhaps frustrated as of late by his team’s mediocre play and inspired by St. Patrick’s Day, a visibly intoxicated Ron Hextall held an impromptu press conference on the tarmac of the Vancouver International Airport, in which he stated he would be starting in goal tonight for the Philadelphia Flyers.

“Steve Lason (sic) has been great for us recently, but he needs a night off. I’ll be stepping in between the pipes tonight….who wants to tell me I can’t?” Hextall said, slurring every other word as team officials pleaded with the current GM to leave the airport and take a nap at the hotel.

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Robert Durst’s official NCAA March Madness prediction special, slaughtering the competition since 1982

Robert Durst, member of the famed Durst real estate family in New York City, will be helping us pick March Madness games this year. His resume was quite impressive, as he noted that he served as ESPN’s primary basketball handicapper for several years in the early 1980s and 2000s. We haven’t been able to get in touch with Robert since Saturday, but we’re happy to have him aboard!

If Robert Durst knows one thing and one thing only, it's mens college basketball.

If Robert Durst knows one thing and one thing only, it’s mens college basketball.

Typically charging an arm and a leg for his services, Durst has slashed his prices for the Toboggan and will be checking in before each round to give his unique take on the upcoming games.

Robert Durst: Thank you for having me. As you know, I requested this column to have my voice heard on something very important, to give my side of the story and to let people know the truth about Bobby Durst…that I am a fanatic about mens college basketball.

Each round I’ll be providing the CT with exactly what people are interested in me about, my above average prediction skills for the greatest tournament in the world.

I may not know where my first wife is, but I do know that a 16 seed has absolutely no chance to beat any of the 1 seeds this year. No jury in the world will convict me for that prediction.

I don’t know…I’d pick them all if I could ::starts to blink rapidly::

I’ll give you one upstart in the first round that I think has a change to get away with murder. It’s number 12 Buffalo over number 5 West Virginia. I have nothing against West Virginia, but the Buffalo Bulls are the MAC champs and took a lead against Kentucky into the second half a few weeks ago for a reason. They’re a solid team and have averaged 75 points a game for the season, I could see them sending West Virginia to an early grave this tournament.

Speaking of West Virginia, have you ever driven through there? Gorgeous country, plenty of deep lakes, forests that nobody could entirely search for weeks on end, plenty of sprawling marshland…it really is a paradise. You could go for miles without seeing a single soul…you could even let out a piercing scream until your lungs ran dry and nobody would ever hear you. It really is god’s country.

Well, that’s it for me. I can’t think of anything else. I’ll see you before the start of the second round.

The CT: Thank you Mr. Durst, we can’t wait to have you back.

Robert Durst: May I use the bathroom?

The CT: Of course sir, it’s two doors down to the left.

::Leaves the room, forgets he is still mic’d up::

Robert Durst: I can’t wait to kill them all.

Chip Kelly strongly hinting at rentals instead of ownership to Sam Bradford
Don't get too comfortable, Sam.

Don’t get too comfortable, Sam.

Philadelphia, PA – Citing the strength of the Philadelphia apartment rental scene in the city as of late, Chip Kelly has been dropping hints to Sam Bradford since acquiring the 27-year-old quarterback last week that home ownership may not be a wise investment at this point in his career.

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