Breaking News: Chip Kelly requires four gym credits before becoming a starter

Philadelphia, PA – Chip Kelly continues to be connected to the college football game, as several ex-Eagles are now claiming he requires all starters to complete at least four credits of gym before taking the field as a starter for the Eagles.

Former guard Evan Mathis said Kelly personally administered a swimming test before he was allowed to start for the squad two seasons ago.

“He said I was shy four credits and the only way I could get on the field as an Eagle would be if I could swim five complete laps and tread water for three minutes,” Mathis said, now a member of the Denver Broncos. “He personally escorted me to the pool for my test and badgered me about how my junior year was going so far. I was 31.”

(more…)

Suspicions on the rise after another possible daily fantasy sports scandal

Just a week after DraftKings and FanDuel came under fire for an employee using inside information to win thousands of dollars in fantasy football, another possible scandal has reared its ugly head and may further damage the reputation of both daily fantasy sports companies.

News broke this morning of a FanDuel employee winning $500,000 in week 5 of the fantasy football season. Week 5 is scheduled to kick off this Thursday night with the Colts vs. Texans.

FanDuel employee John Livingston won a $500,000 contest for week 5 with a perfect lineup. An investigation is underway to determine if Livingston had any inside information to win the contest before the games were actually played.

(more…)

Buzz Bissinger announces ‘Power of Positivity’ Philadelphia Inquirer column

Philadelphia, PA – In stunning news today, noted curmudgeon and extraordinarily talented journalist Buzz Bissinger announced he would be “looking on the brighter side of life and sports” in a new column he will be writing for the Philadelphia Inquirer.

The column, which will be called “The Power of Positvity and Beyond” will appear daily in the Inquirer and will focus on the lighter side of sports.

“I feel like I’ve been just putting out too much negative energy into the universe for the past several decades. Sure my work is thought provoking, interesting and award winning, but there’s more to life than just ground breaking journalism and hard hitting news. I want to start focusing on the great things this world and this city has to offer,” Bissinger said. “Like the effort from the Phillies this year. Can we give them a round of applause? They came out and played hard each game. Great organization.”

(more…)

Anonymous source cites new overall ratings leader for Philadelphia sports talk radio

Just one month after an anonymous source sent The Coggin Toboggan the ratings books for the end of August, ANOTHER anonymous, but different, source sent us the books for the first half of September and the leader may surprise you.

The two big players at each station, Josh Innes at 94 WIP and Mike Missanelli at 97.5 the Fanatic, AGAIN did not play into the top four ratings leaders for this month. Last month’s leader, Brian Haddad at 94 WIP, was far behind the ratings behemoth who dominated the first two weeks of September.

Big Daddy Graham, WIP host from 2 to 5 a.m., toppled ratings leader Haddad with a 23.6 share of the coveted 25-54 male demographic that is so highly sought after for advertising.

(more…)

Flyers website traffic increases by 8,000%

Philadelphia, PA – The Philadelphia Flyers office team website crashed yesterday around 4:30 p.m. after its usual traffic increased by approximately 8,000%, completely overloading the organization’s servers.

Flyers representatives reported the servers were down for around three hours as IT employees tried to scramble to handle the influx of traffic.

“It was the damndest thing I had ever seen. I turned off the Eagles game and tried to log into the site and it just wasn’t working. Google said the site was overloaded, I’ve never seen that before,” said Thomas Ingram, head website developer of the Flyers.

As of Monday morning at 10 a.m., the Flyers had reportedly sold 5,000 more pairs of season tickets and Flyers jerseys saw an increase of 500% in sales. A number of potential buyers were even inquiring if the Flyers accepted trade-ins of other city team jerseys for Flyers discounts.

“This city must be hockey crazy! It’s going to be a great year!” Ingram said.

As of press time, DeMarco Murray jersey sales plummeted by 90,000% from last week.

Fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk me

I’d wager every Eagles fan became aware they had ESP yesterday around 4 p.m. when the Redskins received the back, down four, with just around three minutes to play. Every single fan knew, they KNEW in their hearts the Redskins were going to have a lengthy drive, score a touchdown, and the Eagles would lose by three points.

The narrative was too perfect. They would lose by three after their newly signed “kicker” had left four extremely easy points on the field.

Kirk Cousins of all people would lead his team down the field for the victory. Even Kirk Cousins’ parents didn’t think he would do it, they were leaving the stadium to beat the traffic before the game actually ended.

Holy shit that was painful. After cursing god for hours I sat in a dark room until midnight and wished curses upon all those who had wronged me. It was a nice evening.

Is Caleb Sturgis an avid Coggin Toboggan reader and actually read this article before the game? If he did, then I’d like to apologize to Eagles fans everywhere and I’ll have to start working on a new one where he quits football to do something worthy of his skills, like a janitor or a used car salesman, because he certainly isn’t a good enough kicker.

(more…)

Hitting the wall and hitting it hard (random thoughts about this past week)

For the past week I’ve been traveling for work and I’ve quickly found that trying to update this blog while on the road is extremely difficult. I’m sure most of you who actually read this blog have noticed it too, since most of what I’ve written is garbage and just out of necessity to get something on the page each day.

If I wasn’t lazy I would delete the Jeremy Affeldt/City of Philadelphia article published yesterday. It’s garbage and not funny.

Currently I’m slogging through the last (merciful) hour of this convention and looking back on topics I wanted to write about this week, but my fried brain just couldn’t put anything together.

(more…)

The City of Philadelphia responds to Jeremy Affeldt

Please calm down, I know I’m a living embodiment of the City of Philadelphia, but I felt it was extremely necessary to make my voice heard following the comments of one semi-above average reliever from San Francisco. Not exactly sure WHY Jeremy Affeldt decided to open his dumb hipster mouth and insult myself and the denizens that take up residence within my hallowed boundaries.

Boooooooooo hoooooooooooooo, wahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I’m Jeremy Affeldt and I don’t like it when people yell things at me! Can’t fans just let me pitch in peace when I’m on the mound, because my rabbit ears pick up every mean thing that the residents of Philadelphia say to me and I’m going to let them fester away inside of me for years until they come vomiting out of my mouth in a poorly attended retirement ceremony I held for myself.

(more…)

Snickers the Possum playing dead game prediction of the week!

Snickers the Possum.

Editor’s Note: Oh Snickers….Snickers, Snickers, Snickers. Three weeks in a row you’ve gotten your predictions wrong. We’re only going to give you a stay of execution because you managed to predict the Eagles would cover the spread. If it weren’t for your ability to actually get a few gambling predictions correct, we’d have crushed your skull under your steel-toed boots long ago. Don’t get too comfortable, though, that wood chipper still has your name written all over it.

This is no longer fun for me. I can’t work under this pressure. I didn’t sign up to be harassed and yelled at by an editor who pays me in moldy orange rinds and used condoms wrapped in tissue paper.

But I’m a professional, a professional sports predicting possum and my dedication is to YOU, the readers.

Hey it’s me, Snickers the Possum! If there are two things in this world that I know, it’s that my hairless tail drives the women possums crazy and I’m an excellent football analyst!

(more…)

Broad Street Media announces plans to acquire Liberty Bell, slap some ads on it

The next target of Broad Street Media?

Philadelphia, PA – Just a day after acquiring the Philadelphia City Paper and announcing it would shutter the publication and delete most of its archives, ownership representatives for Broad Street Media revealed they have their eyes on acquiring another Philadelphia institution.

Perry Corsetti, publisher for Broad Street Media, confirmed the company will make a serious play at acquiring the Liberty Bell. If successful, Corsetti noted the company planned to “slap some advertisements all over that bad boy.”

“Why should people get to enjoy the Liberty Bell when it’s a direct competitor to us? Sure we could leave I t like it is, people do love it, but how would that make us money? When I look at the bell, I can’t but help to think that we could bring in some fabulous revenue by selling ads on all that open space. It doesn’t matter if they’re on the front, or the cover of the bell, if you will. It’s not that big of a deal, it’s just an old, run down bell, nobody cares. We know best,” Corsetti said, dollar signs spinning through his sunken, sallow eyes.

(more…)