Dario Saric makes huge announcement on his future

Dario Saric, the vaunted Croatian-born professional athlete that has been rumored for the past two years to be joining the 76ers, reached out to The Coggin Toboggan’s email address (thecoggintoboggan@gmail.com) this afternoon to make an announcement on his future.

Currently playing for Anadolu Efes of the Turkish Basketball Super League, the 22-year-old forward emailed The Coggin at 1:25 p.m. this afternoon to notify our site about his career. This is not surprising, as The Coggin is currently the most popular sports website in all of Turkey due to our comprehensive coverage of national hero Furkan Aldemir.

From his email address DSaric43589@unisa.cr, Saric sent the following to The Coggin Toboggan:

Hello and best wishes to you and yours exhalted family!

I wish to notify you about a blessed busines deal in your favour from the Turkish Basketball League of Super! Hello, am Dario Saric, a foreword for Anadolu Efes, and am very much wanting to come play the professional basketball of the USA and the Filadelphia Seven Sixers!

Unfortunately, I cannot leave my contract with the league unless a $10,000 transfer fee is paid to my coach head. I do not have the money msyelf, so in God’s name I hope you can please wire me the small funds amount so I may live my dream and play in the Americas.

I know this sounds too better to be true, but it is not! The most things of crucial to be done is to wire a transfer fee of $10,000 to complete the transaction. What are you wayting (sic) for! Please help me today.

God bless you,

Dario Saric

WOW! You heard him, we need to set up a Go Fund Me account to get him over here! This is too good to be true. What a week for the 76ers!

We’d kick in some money for this venture, but we donated all of our petty cash to Joel Embiid, who sent us an email letting us know a Congo prince had left us a “sizable” inheritance in his will after he died.

REPORT: 76ers Joel Embiid cleared to resume tweeting at Rihanna

screen-shot-2014-08-01-at-7-20-58-am Philadelphia, PA – The good news keeps on coming for the Philadelphia 76ers, as team doctors and physicians have cleared oft-injured 22-year-old center Joel Embiid to resume his tweeting to pop-star Rihanna.

Christopher C. Dodson, MD, head physician for the 76ers, said Embiid could resume “light-tweeting” to Rihanna during the mornings and late afternoon, under the strict supervision of team officials.

“We’re getting him slowly back to doing what he loves. He’s been extremely patient throughout this entire process and is eagerly awaiting full clearance to get back to where he was several years ago,” Dodson said.

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Jon Dorenbos to showcase mastery of dark arts tonight on America’s Got Talent

He will punish the wicked and make man pay for his hubris.

LAS VEGAS, Nev. – Tonight on NBC, Eagles long-snapper Jon Dorenbos, a master of the arcane, dark arts, will showcase his ethereal skills on the popular reality show America’s Got Talent, and brutally punish the nonbelievers of his malevolent sorcery.

In a 30-second teaser for tonight’s AGT, currently in its 11th season on NBC, Dorenbos is briefly shown on stage wearing a dark robe, his eyes rolled into the back of his head, body convulsing wildly as the lights of the studio flicker ominously.

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Doug Benson is back in Philly this week and back on The Coggin

Doug Benson of Doug Loves Movies (and future show Doug Loves Roller Coasters)

Last year Doug Benson came to Philadelphia, kicked the shit out of his shows, kicked the shit out of his interview with us, and then rolled out of this city and left it in his comedic wake.

Doug is back and ready to kill a stand-up show on Wednesday, June 22, at Helium in Philadelphia (the show is currently sold out) and then he’ll be hosting TWO of his popular podcasts, “Doug Loves Movies,” on Saturday, June 25th and Sunday, June 26th. Both shows will begin at 4:20 p.m. and tickets are still available for the Sunday show only.

Check out this link for tickets to this stand-up show if any become available and this link for tickets to his podcast on the weekend.

Usually we feature comedians that enjoy sports, blah blah blah, but Doug is too funny to deny an interview to, so we’re quite happy to welcome back (the now recurring) Doug Benson to The Coggin Toboggan.

We touch on conspiracy theories involving “League of their Own,” if remakes suck, and who the best actor/wrestler of all time was in this classy interview filled with mystery and intrigue.

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REPORT: Heart disease really killed it last night at the Cataldi/Eskin roast

I hate this picture with every fiber of my being.

Philadelphia, PA – Billed as a brutal night of comedy for two local sports talks legends, guests at the Sports Roast of Angelo Cataldi and Howard Eskin, held Thursday night at the Crystal Tea Room in Philadelphia, were subjected to flat jokes and bad puns from local sports figures for nearly two hours.

However, the room was abuzz after an up and coming comic force really made its presence felt throughout the event.

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Ex- Eagle Shawn Andrews believes government staged alligator attack to strengthen alligator-control laws

Noted alligator conspiracy theorist Shawn Andrews.

Philadelphia, PA – Ex-Philadelphia Eagles lineman and noted mental patient Shawn Andrews took to his twitter Wednesday afternoon and posted a number of Tweets questioning the legitimacy of the alligator attack that killed a 2-year-old tourist in Orlando earlier this week.

Andrews claimed President Barack Obama approved the funding and staging of the attack to enable the U.S. Government to strengthen alligator control laws throughout the country and eventually take away all alligators from law abiding citizens.

“The government has been trying to take alligators away from good, hardworking U.S. citizens for years. This is just another way for Obama to introduce more stringent alligator-control laws, despite our country’s constitution plainly defending every American’s rite to own and operate alligators,” Andrews told reporters this morning.

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Nature Boy Ric Flair was wheeling, dealing, and kiss stealing in Philadelphia last night

Two absolute legends.

Ric Flair has the uncanny ability to bring an entire room of grown men (and a smattering of grown women) to a complete halt and melt into messes, with just one long and loud WOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

The Nature Boy blew into the Thuzio Executive Club last night and the styling, profiling, limousine riding, jet flying, kiss stealing, wheeling and dealing son of a gun held an entire room at rapt attention as he shared stories from his glorious career for nearly an hour.

It’s insane to see Flair work a room. The energy changed IMMEDIATELY when he walked into the club and he was swarmed by giddy fans, clamoring for pictures and begging him to cut promos into their iPhones.

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Has Jason Kelce been working at a local public relations firm under the alias “Tits Smithington?”

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Is this the infamous Tits Smithington?

A reader forwarded us an email today that provided crucial details to an urban legend that has bounced around Philadelphia for the past year. The email lends credence to the legend of “Tits Smithington,” a go-getter of an employee at a local Philadelphia public relations firm that may have actually been Philadelphia Eagles center Jason Kelce.

The email described how a burly, good-natured employee had been hired at the firm in the fourth quarter of the 2015 fiscal year. The author said the employee was known around the office as “Tits Smithington” and frequently wore football cleats to work.

The dedicated reader who alerted us to Tits Smithington said several employees at the firm first suspected the employee was not who he said he was and was actively hiding his real identity:

Well, the first red-flag was that he never gave the human resources office his Social Security Number and refused to take any pay for the job, saying he was doing most of it pro-bono as a way to unwind from his stressful weekends. When asked what he did on the weekends that was so stressful, Tits would just wink at us and say he spent about eight weeks a year in South Philadelphia, eight weeks a year out of Philadelphia, and if things went right another few weeks after that participating in his other occupation.

Plus, it was obviously Jason Kelce. Tits Smithington is a blatantly false name and he answered to the name ‘Jason’ about 99% of the time without realizing it. He even wore his jersey to the office a few times and we heard him talking to “Coach Kelly” on his cell phone in the break room just about every day.

Nobody seemed to mind though. He landed the Jenkins account and always treated the office to happy hours on Friday. Fun guy. Hope he comes back soon.

So was Tits Smithington actually Jason Kelce? Signs point to yes, some signs point to no. I guess we will never know for sure.

Fletcher Cox figures he can finally purchase that Colonial Penn Life Insurance policy

How will his family take care of his “final expenses” when he’s gone?

Philadelphia, PA – Just a day after signing the most lucrative non-quarterback contract in the history of the NFL, Eagles defensive lineman Fletcher Cox knew it was time to start thinking about his final expenses.

The 25-year-old star athlete, who just signed a $103 million deal (of which $63 million is guaranteed) noted he was watching Jeopardy and saw an advertisement for Colonial Penn Life Insurance and he began to worry about what his loved ones would do when he passed away.

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NHL warns Phil Kessel to keep eating out of Stanley Cup to a bare minimum

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The face of a championship winning professional athlete.

Pittsburgh, PA – Just a day after the Penguins captured their 2nd NHL Championship in seven years, NHL representatives issued a stern warning to Pittsburgh right-winger Phil Kessel to keep his food-related celebrations with the Stanley Cup to a “bare minimum” when it was his turn to spend a day with the vaunted trophy.

As is tradition for a championship team, each member of the roster receives at least one day with the Stanley Cup in the offseason to do what they please. According to legend and second-hand information, players have thrown the Stanley Cup into pools during wild parties, baptized their children in the trophy, and have even etched messages or extra names into the cup.

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