Who will make our Eagles picks this week?
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Two real assholes.

Well folks, let’s face it. Our guest pickers weren’t going to go 16-0 on both their win/loss and spread predictions, but we’re still on track to go 16-0 against the spread this season DESPITE Abbot and Costello not being bullish two weeks ago about the Eagles chances against Pittsburgh.

The Eagles really showed them up and proved they were a team to be reckoned with in the NFL. I’m sure those deceased comedians are rolling over in their graves after picking against the mighty Birds. THAT’LL TEACH YOU TO TRY AND PICK NFL GAMES. GO BACK TO WRITING COMEDY BITS THAT STAND THE TEST OF TIME AND STILL DELIGHT FANS EVERYWHERE TO THIS DAY, YOU PIECES OF GARBAGE.

Leave the football picks to the professionals.

This week the Eagles (3-0) travel to lovely Detroit, the crown jewel of Michigan, to take on the Lions (1-3).

Here’s our record so far:

Win/Loss prediction record: 2-1

Against the spread: 3-0

But who have we brought in to make the week 3 pick? Will they take the Eagles (-3) or the lowly Lions? We decided to bring in the host of a modestly popular television show in Detroit to see if he can steer our readers in the right direction. But who are we talking about?

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Who thinks Terry Collins should have brought in Zach Britton last night?
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Should have brought in Britton.

Let’s all be honest here. We all saw what happened to the Mets last night. They Metted up the place and blew the Wild Card play in game. I just have one, simple question for everyone…

Who here thinks Terry Collins should have brought in Zach Britton instead of Jeurys Familia?

It’s perfectly alright. Come on, come on, don’t dawdle. Raise your hands up in the air, don’t be shy. No need to be embarrassed. Who here thinks it would have been a great move for Collins to bring in Britton?

Let’s look to Twitter, shall we? Twitter has all the answers.

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We saw a sublime talent, destined to be one of the greats, debut for the 76ers last night

joel-embiid-shirley-templesIf you watched the 76ers kick off their 2016-2017 season in Boston last night, decades from now you’ll be able to tell your grandchildren that you saw one of the greatest Sixers to ever put on the uniform suit up for the first time in his long and successful career.

The energy was insane leading up to this game. Can anyone remember another time that this city got so pumped up for a 76ers preseason game? How about even a regular season game? It didn’t come close.

Twitter was bumping. The Hinkie-ites were out in full force, puffing out their chests, saying “look at what our fallen leader has done for you. Be thankful, Philadelphia.” Even the national media was paying attention, keeping at least one eye on the 76ers during opening night of the MLB postseason.

It was all because of one man. The man who so many have already labeled a savior of the organization despite only playing sparse minutes in one preseason game.

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Fired-up Joel Embiid has been kicking a concrete pillar all morning

0344696Philadelphia, PA – On the morning of his first preseason game after a long road to the NBA, 76ers center Joel Embiid has spent a fidgety day at the team’s practice facility, dealing with butterflies before making his professional basketball debut.

Head Coach Brett Brown said athletes tend to deal with nervous energy in their own ways. Some sit in a corner by themselves to think, others listen to their music before game time, others can’t stop talking to their teammates, he said.

Dario Saric, another 76ers rookie, has taken to joking around with his teammates and calling his family this morning, Brown said.

Embiid has taken a different approach.

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BREAKING: Josh Innes returning to Houston buffet
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He’s coming home.

Houston, Texas – Recently fired 94 WIP sports talk host Josh Innes announced today on Twitter that he would be making a stunning return to Houston’s Golden Corral next week.

The talented, but mercurial, Innes officially made his return to the vaunted buffet official on Monday afternoon, stating he would be filling a 3 to 7 p.m. slot Monday through Friday.

Innes is expected to touch on such controversial subjects as the carving stations availability at dinner only and the price differential that faces lunchtime and dinnertime patrons each day.

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Disappointed Ryan Howard definitely expected a car

iPhiladelphia, PA – Ryan Howard, the last member of the 2008 World Series roster, bade farewell to the fans and the organization yesterday in what was his last game in a Phillies uniform.

The Phillies honored their beloved slugger prior to the start of yesterday’s game, allowing a tearful Howard to address the crowd.

“It’s amazing, the appreciation from the organization and the fans,” Howard said. “To have it recognized, it’ll live with me forever.”

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PETA to Carson Wentz: ‘Less real hunting, more hunting for a Super Bowl’

voila_capture-2016-09-29_08-45-37_amThis unpublished press release has been intercepted by our moles working in the PETA national office. Apparently the animal-loving organization is turning its hateful eyes on Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz after a recent photo of him hunting deer during the bye week hit the Twitter-verse.

It’s a bold new foray into sports for the animal rights organization and it’s likely to ruffle some feathers in this city. What do you think?

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Joel Embiid’s inexperience on full display, shows up to practice in cleats
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Embiid still has a long way to go.

Philadelphia, PA – Third-year member of the 76ers Joel Embiid stepped on the court in a competitive setting for the first time since 2014 yesterday, but the talented, yet raw, center showed he has miles to go before he reaches his true potential.

He showed his lack of experience throughout practice, scrambling to defend pick and rolls all morning, biting on every pump fake in the post, and struggling to find grip on the hardwood court due to wearing metal cleats to practice.

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Jim Schwartz rewards himself with relaxing fugue state after each game
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Fugued out.

Philadelphia, PA – Defensive coordinator Jim Schwartz did not meet with media after the Eagles 34-3 win over the Pittsburgh Steelers. The intensely devoted Schwartz instead chose to take some time for himself, unwind, and place himself in a nice fugue state to calm down after the stress of coaching an NFL game.

Schwartz typically will retire to room 57-B in bowels of Lincoln Financial Field after a game, find a nice spot in the corner of the room, and face the wall for hours at a time until he loses all conscious thought and memory of self.

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Neither Clinton or Trump address the foreign threats to America’s wrestling championships
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Why don’t either of these candidates touch on the real threats to America?

Usually don’t like to get political on this site, but after the debates last night it was quite clear that Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton nor Republican nominee Donald Trump were both ducking the most pressing issue facing this country.

Moderator Lester Holt proved to be in way over his head when he didn’t even ask the broach the subject, despite it having lasting effects on every American in this country, young and old.

What is being done to protect America’s wrestling championships against the foreign menace?

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