PETA to Carson Wentz: ‘Less real hunting, more hunting for a Super Bowl’

voila_capture-2016-09-29_08-45-37_amThis unpublished press release has been intercepted by our moles working in the PETA national office. Apparently the animal-loving organization is turning its hateful eyes on Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz after a recent photo of him hunting deer during the bye week hit the Twitter-verse.

It’s a bold new foray into sports for the animal rights organization and it’s likely to ruffle some feathers in this city. What do you think?

Hey Carson, say no to hunting when you should be focused on the hunt for a Super Bowl

We were dismayed to see one of the brightest young stars in the NFL spending his bye week hunting deer. Animals are not ours to eat, to hunt, or are here for our entertainment, Mr. Wentz.

But, to be honest, we cannot argue with success. 3-0 as a rookie quarterback? Besting Big Ben and the Steelers on a national stage last week? NFL Offensive Rookie of the month? Touche. You can do what you want.

But we have to at least offer you some alternatives to hunting (but come on…do what you want):

  • Why not enjoy a nice vegetarian cooking class instead of the barbaric practice of hunting? (Wow…a QB Rating of 103 already? Jesus fucking Christ that is impressive.)
  • Attend one of PETA’s rallies in downtown Philadelphia and help pass out Vegan Cheesesteaks! (Eat as many cheesesteaks as you want, you haven’t thrown an interception yet. You are a magnificent bastard.)
  • Enjoy nature and its wildlife without wanton destruction of one of mother earth’s creatures. (FIVE TOUCHDOWNS IN THREE GAMES?! AS A ROOKIE? Color us impressed. You’re not even using a gun to kill those deer, you’re bow hunting like a real man. I bet when a deer sees you come upon it after its been shot and it gazes into your deep, soulful eyes, it thanks God that it was able to give its life for you and that it shared such a special moment with such a phenomenal quarterback.)
  • Visit a deer sanctuary so we can show you how lovely these animals are in their natural habitat. (They’re really not all that glorious…basically the rats of the forest. Ever see one up close? They’re crawling with disease and they’re not all that friendly. Maybe we get in an Uber, say we’re going to the sanctuary, and instead sneak into Dave and Busters for a few baskets of chicken wings and some pitchers of beer? Our treat.)

So there you have it, Carson. So many things you could be doing with your time instead of hunting (wink wink) and we’re very, very disappointed that you are participating in such an antiquated and horrendous practice (we’re really not, we think you’re fabulous, but you know, we have a huge yearly budget and we need to put on certain airs).

We certainly would NOT want to meet you this week at the Reading Terminal if you’re not too busy for an autograph and some (non) vegetarian cheesteaks, you awful, awful man (we love you so much).

At this point in time, I’d like to remind all PETA lawyers that everything on this site is fake.

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s