BREAKING NEWS

SportsPickle writers burn the midnight oil workshopping funny Ben McAdoo names

patriots-giants-footballAll hands were on deck at the SportsPickle offices Wednesday night after news broke that the New York Giants would hire offensive coordinator Ben McAdoo as their next head coach.

Writers worked deep into the night, pitching their funniest names for McAdoo that would be best received by their discerning audience of readers.

“Personally, I don’t think there’s a better option than McAdoofus. It’s clean, it gets straight to the point, and it’s clever without being crass. So why are we wasting our time trying to find something else?” Head Writer John Crean asked the tired and exacerbated staff of 35 writers at the SportsPickle compound.

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Tragedy strikes 97.5 FM as Mike Missanelli is trapped in show vault

mikemissanellijpg2Philadelphia, PA – Mike Missanelli, host of a popular afternoon drive show on 97.5 FM the Fanatic, is entering hour number 15 of being trapped inside his show vault.

The seasoned veteran sports talk host accidentally locked himself into his own hacky bit, where he “opens the vault” and plays pre-recorded clips of callers “going off” on various topics of the day. Missanelli was fetching the latest batch of “hilarious, off-the-wall calls” for the bit and accidentally swung the vault door behind him and has been trapped for more than 15 hours.

Jason Myrtetus, producer for the Mike Missanelli Show, said he heard Mike screaming for help behind the 15-inch thick steel vault door.

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Rams owner Stan Kroenke calls only friend with pickup truck for first time in 10 years
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Stan “the man” Kroenke.

St. Louis, Mo. – St. Louis Rams owner Stan Kroenke reportedly called his buddy Mark “MoonDog” Madison for the first time in nearly a decade Tuesday morning.

Kroenke said he wanted to “catch up” with Madison and it was simply a coincidence that the “MoonDogger” is his only acquaintance who owns with a pickup truck.

“MoonDog, it’s Stan, how you been buddy? I know it’s been a while since I rapped at ya, but I just wanted to see how you old salty son of a bitch was doing,” Kroenke said. “Yeah I know, it’s been a long time. I’ve been busy with the St. Louis Rams…well, you must have seen the news, we’re not really the St. Louis Rams anymore. Off to Los Angeles next season buddy, La La land, hitting the big time! You didn’t hear about that huh? Get the net, MoonDogger, come on.”

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Tom Coughlin demands early bird interview with Philadelphia

tom-coughlinPhiladelphia, PA – Citing his desire to “not be up at all hours of the night,” head coach candidate Tom Coughlin showed up close to 7-hours early for his scheduled interview this afternoon.

Coughlin exited his 1993 Lincoln Town Car and asked to be interviewed in a corner booth at the NovaCare Complex cafeteria, as it looked “less drafty” than one of the tables in the center of the room.

“Why come all the way down to Philadelphia to sit in a drafty table?” Coughlin said, after making Eagles representatives move tables several times to find an acceptable place to sit.

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God apologizes for Seahawks victory

Cima_da_Conegliano,_God_the_FatherHeaven – Sighing deeply, God, the creator of Heaven and the Earth, made a rare appearance in front of the media and issued a public apology to sports fans everywhere for the Seattle Seahawks victory of the Minnesota Vikings in an exciting Wild Card game Sunday afternoon.

Vikings kicker Blair Walsh missed a chip shot field goal that would have seemingly won the Vikings the game with just 22 seconds remaining. Instead, the pro-bowl kicker missed a 27-yard kick and the Seahawks won 10-9.

“That’s my fault. I was pulling strings all afternoon for the Vikings. I mean, that was pretty obvious,” God said. “I step away for two god damn seconds and look what happens. I guess they never heard me say I help those who help themselves. Idiots.”

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DeSean Jackson really tempts fate with comments on Chip Kelly’s “bad karma”

desean-jackson-redskinsWashington, DC – DeSean Jackson decided to throw caution to the wind Friday morning when he spoke about Chip Kelly and how his actions came back to him in a stunning display of karma at the end of the season.

Jackson essentially proved the old adage of a pot calling a kettle black by saying he “could care less” about Chip Kelly because he “ruined the Eagles.”

“I’m a firm believer that bad karma comes back on you,” said Jackson to TheMMQB’s Robert Klemko. “When you ruin a team like that, you do things to people’s families, you release people, you trade people, you get rid of good players who build something with the community, with the fans, with the kids — to have a guy come in and change up the team like that, I just believe in karma.”

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Andy Reid endorses Cheesesteak for Philadelphia head coach

Andy ReidPhiladelphia, PA – A former head coach of the Philadelphia Eagles made his opinions known this week as to who should be the next leader of the franchise.

Reid reportedly called owner Jeffrey Lurie and suggested he take a long, hard look at a cheesesteak from Tony Luke’s to lead the team for the 2016-2017 season.

“I owe everything I have to those sandwiches at Tony Luke’s. If I needed support or had a bad day, one or three of those delicious sandwiches would put me in a better mindset. Just one dripping with cheese whiz, tiny onions that melt in your mouth, I can practically taste it in my mustache as we speak,” Reid said.

“Well look at what we have here,” Reid said, running his fingers through his mustache and picking out a fossilized crumb from the depths of his whiskers.

Onlookers were horrified as the Kansas City coach then popped it into his mouth.

“See? You can always count on Tony Luke’s. I think that still had some cheese on it, my goodness,” Reid said. “That’ll make your engine run. Time’s yours.”

Reid reportedly then licked his lips for the next five minutes and stared into space.

At press time, Reid changed his endorsement to a 5-week-old pork chop he found in the folds of his back fat.

Chip Kelly announces interest in Haddonfield Memorial High School coaching position

 

chipHaddonfield, NJ – Perhaps becoming frustrated by his lack of coaching opportunities, the recently fired Chip Kelly came out to the media Thursday and announced that he had an interest in a local coaching position.

Kelly granted an interview to Lisa Brackins, a freshman reporter for the Bulldawg Bulletin, the official paper of Haddonfield Memorial High School.

In the 2,000 word article, Kelly reportedly announced he hoped Haddonfield would consider him as a potential new coach for the high school’s football program.

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Flyers horrified to realize Philadelphia’s hopes now rest entirely on them

giroux-upsetPhiladelphia, PA – An eerie feeling came over the Flyers Skate Zone yesterday, almost as if every single active member of the roster suddenly realized that without the Eagles to occupy most of the city’s attention, they would now be the prime source of hope and attention for the city’s rabid fan base.

An ashen faced Claude Giroux addressed the media after a sloppy practice, where it was evident the entire team had reached the same epiphany and were already crumbling under the weight of Philadelphia’s expectations.

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Eagles backup corner Buckley Chillingsworth disappointed team won Sunday afternoon
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Chillingsworth file photo.

New York, NY – Little used and little known fourth string corner back Buckley Chillingsworth expressed his utter disappointment Sunday after the Eagles won their final game against the Giants, and thus do not have to play a game in London next year.

It had been determined that the loser of the Eagles and Giants contest would have to play a game in London during the 2016-2017 season.

Chillingsworth, a graduate of the London Finishing and Etiquette School for Esteemed Young Gentlemen, admitted to the media Monday morning he was less than happy he would not play a game in front of foggy London town next year.

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