Philadelphia

Buzz Bissinger announces ‘Power of Positivity’ Philadelphia Inquirer column

buzz-bissingerPhiladelphia, PA – In stunning news today, noted curmudgeon and extraordinarily talented journalist Buzz Bissinger announced he would be “looking on the brighter side of life and sports” in a new column he will be writing for the Philadelphia Inquirer.

The column, which will be called “The Power of Positvity and Beyond” will appear daily in the Inquirer and will focus on the lighter side of sports.

“I feel like I’ve been just putting out too much negative energy into the universe for the past several decades. Sure my work is thought provoking, interesting and award winning, but there’s more to life than just ground breaking journalism and hard hitting news. I want to start focusing on the great things this world and this city has to offer,” Bissinger said. “Like the effort from the Phillies this year. Can we give them a round of applause? They came out and played hard each game. Great organization.”

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Flyers website traffic increases by 8,000%

Flyers-LogoPhiladelphia, PA – The Philadelphia Flyers office team website crashed yesterday around 4:30 p.m. after its usual traffic increased by approximately 8,000%, completely overloading the organization’s servers.

Flyers representatives reported the servers were down for around three hours as IT employees tried to scramble to handle the influx of traffic.

“It was the damndest thing I had ever seen. I turned off the Eagles game and tried to log into the site and it just wasn’t working. Google said the site was overloaded, I’ve never seen that before,” said Thomas Ingram, head website developer of the Flyers.

As of Monday morning at 10 a.m., the Flyers had reportedly sold 5,000 more pairs of season tickets and Flyers jerseys saw an increase of 500% in sales. A number of potential buyers were even inquiring if the Flyers accepted trade-ins of other city team jerseys for Flyers discounts.

“This city must be hockey crazy! It’s going to be a great year!” Ingram said.

As of press time, DeMarco Murray jersey sales plummeted by 90,000% from last week.

Hitting the wall and hitting it hard (random thoughts about this past week)

bricks.jpgFor the past week I’ve been traveling for work and I’ve quickly found that trying to update this blog while on the road is extremely difficult. I’m sure most of you who actually read this blog have noticed it too, since most of what I’ve written is garbage and just out of necessity to get something on the page each day.

If I wasn’t lazy I would delete the Jeremy Affeldt/City of Philadelphia article published yesterday. It’s garbage and not funny.

Currently I’m slogging through the last (merciful) hour of this convention and looking back on topics I wanted to write about this week, but my fried brain just couldn’t put anything together.

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The City of Philadelphia responds to Jeremy Affeldt

PhillyPlease calm down, I know I’m a living embodiment of the City of Philadelphia, but I felt it was extremely necessary to make my voice heard following the comments of one semi-above average reliever from San Francisco. Not exactly sure WHY Jeremy Affeldt decided to open his dumb hipster mouth and insult myself and the denizens that take up residence within my hallowed boundaries.

Boooooooooo hoooooooooooooo, wahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I’m Jeremy Affeldt and I don’t like it when people yell things at me! Can’t fans just let me pitch in peace when I’m on the mound, because my rabbit ears pick up every mean thing that the residents of Philadelphia say to me and I’m going to let them fester away inside of me for years until they come vomiting out of my mouth in a poorly attended retirement ceremony I held for myself.

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Snickers the Possum playing dead game prediction of the week!
Snickers the Possum.

Snickers the Possum.

Editor’s Note: Oh Snickers….Snickers, Snickers, Snickers. Three weeks in a row you’ve gotten your predictions wrong. We’re only going to give you a stay of execution because you managed to predict the Eagles would cover the spread. If it weren’t for your ability to actually get a few gambling predictions correct, we’d have crushed your skull under your steel-toed boots long ago. Don’t get too comfortable, though, that wood chipper still has your name written all over it.

This is no longer fun for me. I can’t work under this pressure. I didn’t sign up to be harassed and yelled at by an editor who pays me in moldy orange rinds and used condoms wrapped in tissue paper.

But I’m a professional, a professional sports predicting possum and my dedication is to YOU, the readers.

Hey it’s me, Snickers the Possum! If there are two things in this world that I know, it’s that my hairless tail drives the women possums crazy and I’m an excellent football analyst!

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Kiko Alonso undergoes leg amputation, questionable for Sunday’s game

HjDqsVLKPhiladelphia, PA – Mystery is still surrounding the injury status of Eagles inside linebacker Kiko Alonso, who has yet to be officially ruled out of Sunday’s game against the Washington Redskins despite undergoing an emergency amputation of his injured leg.

While having his knee scoped by Dr. James Andrews, the esteemed doctor detected massive amounts of necrosis and infection in his injured left knee and had to order an immediate amputation of the linebackers leg just above his banged up keen.

“Well, we’re going to see with Kiko. He may be able to rehab the injury, he may have to get additional surgery. We’re just not sure where he is right now,” Chip Kelly said before Thursday’s practice.

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Ruben Amaro Jr. beginning to think Phillies may not bring him back next season

072113-amaro-slideshow-apPhiladelphia, PA – Speaking from his home, ex-Phillies general manager Ruben Amaro Jr. told reporters he was beginning to think the Phillies may not bring him back as the general manager for next season.

“I don’t want to look to into this, but after they let me go from my contract and told me they would not extend me next year, this really leads me to think I may not be back with the organization in 2016,” he said.

Amaro Jr. said he was nervous that nobody in the Phillies front office had been taking his calls since August and his official team email address had been deleted.

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Before leaving Philadelphia, Pope Francis cures Liberty Bell

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAPhiladelphia, PA – In what can only be described as a miracle, Pope Francis cured the Liberty Bell of its debilitating crack prior to leaving the city today.

“He passed Independence Hall and onlookers inside said the Liberty Bell no longer had its crack. Unbelievable,” Mayor Michael Nutter said Monday.

The bell apparently was cured of its crack after Pope Francis nodded and waved his hand towards the tourists who were looking at the tourist attraction Monday morning.

Francis declined to comment, but only winked and nodded to the reporters when they asked him about the apparent miracle.

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Snickers the Possum playing dead game prediction of the week
Snickers the Possum.

Snickers the Possum.

Editor’s Note: Snickers the Possum is now 0-2 on the year. We are starting to think that employing a living, anthropomorphic possum to pick the winner of professional football games might not have been the best idea. We regret to inform you, the reader, that if Snickers does not improve his performance in the next few weeks we will be forced to throw him into a wood chipper. Take it away Snickers, no pressure.

Thanks for that, I guess. If I had known this job would be so high pressure I would have stayed in my garbage can and not accepted the website’s offer of three moldy bananas per article. No delicious fruit is worth being thrown into a wood chipper, but I digress.

Hey it’s me, Snickers the Possum! If there are two things in this world that I know, it’s that the dead squirrel I found in the middle of Lake Street was absolutely delicious and I’m an excellent football analyst!

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Miles Austin takes walk down injury lane at Monmouth University
Austin returned to the location of some of his more glorious injuries as a football player.

Austin returned to the location of some of his more glorious injuries as a football player.

West Long Branch, NJ – A smile appeared on Eagles wide receiver Miles Austin’s face when he emerged from the team bus this afternoon. He was, after all, returning to the university where he spent four glorious, injury ravaged years before making his way into professional football.

Austin, the university’s all-time record holder for receiving yards with 2,867, fondly recalled some of his more debilitating injuries on the Monmouth University football field.

“Looking back on it, the excruciating pain I felt almost every day of my life here is next to nothing from what I suffer through now, but it really helped me get ready for my professional career,” Austin said, as he limped towards the practice field.

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