Philadelphia

BREAKING: Champagne argument touched off Lesean McCoy fight at Recess

McCoy reportedly enjoys a Louis Roederer to a G.H. Mumm.

Philadelphia, PA – Reports flooding into the Coggin this morning are pointing to an argument over purchased champagne between McCoy and two off-duty officers at the nightclub Recess in South Philadelphia that started a massive brawl between the two groups, which may see charges pressed against the Buffalo Bills running back.

According to eyewitness reports, McCoy and the officers argued over the purchased champagne at the nightclub when the former Eagles running back mocked the officers for their choice of “brutish” champagne glasses they selected to enjoy their Dom Perignon.

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WINGETTE RIOT UPDATE: Mayor Kenney orders implosion of WFC

All that remains of the Wells Fargo Center.

Philadelphia, Pa – The Wingette Riot of 2016 has ended following orders from new Philadelphia Mayor Jim Kenney to implode the Wells Fargo Center, sealing the violent Wingettes in a tomb of rubble and chicken wings for all eternity.

The implosion commenced after a Philadelphia SWAT team determined the scene was too violent and dangerous to enter. All Wing Bowl attendees were evacuated before the Wells Fargo Center was demolished.

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UPDATE: Wingettes have rioted at Wing Bowl, hundreds feared dead

Scene inside Wing Bowl 24 as the Wingettes continue their cocaine riot.

Philadelphia, PA – Tragedy has struck Wing Bowl 24, as the Wingettes in attendance at the annual Philadelphia eating event have violently revolted against the show and are participating in an all out riot due to the lack of cocaine available, according to a Coggin Toboggan source.

The Wingettes reportedly fashioned crude molotov cocktails out of PJ Whelihan’s wing sauce and have been lobbing them into the crowd and the stage of competitive eaters, badly burning thousands in attendance and likely killing hundreds.

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BREAKING: Tragedy at Wing Bowl 24 as wingette cocaine reserves all but diminished

Several Wingettes earlier this morning when cocaine supplies were still ample.

Philadelphia, PA – Details are slim at this point in time, but a Coggin Toboggan reporter on the scene of Wing Bowl 24 has relayed to our offices that the cocaine deposits doled out to Wingettes through the annual eating event have all but been depleted and the event still has several hours until completion.

Wing Bowl Wingettes, scantily clad young women from various strip clubs and fatherless homes throughout Philadelphia, have been used as cheerleaders for the competition and as eye-candy during each competitor’s grand entrance into the Wells Fargo Arena.

The young ladies have traditionally been willing to participate in the degrading performance as long as plenty of booger sugar has been available to numb feelings and cloud the senses.

Several hundred eight-balls are typically needed to give Wingettes the strength to tolerate thousands of drunken South Philadelphia louts screaming at them to show the crowd their tits.

“It’s a madhouse down here. These young ladies are jittery as hell and coming down fast. Eyes are becoming less cloudy and tensions are high. Things are going to get ugly,” our source has told us.

We’ll update readers as more information comes in.

Puppy Bowl survey shows fans believe Cam Scootin’ disrespects the game

cute-black-lab-puppies-hvgj-cute-black-labrador-dog

Cam Scootin’ of the Carolina Pawthers has been a powder keg of controversy this entire Puppy Bowl season.

A national survey conducted by Langer Research Associates, on behalf of The Coggin Toboggan, shows fans greatly dislike 6-month old black lab Puppy Bowl participant Cam Scootin’ and his perceived “uppity” attitude towards the game.

Cam Scootin’, quarterback for the Carolina Pawthers, has been a divisive figure for the media and fans during the Puppy Bowl season. Known for his trademark frolicking and face licking after touchdowns, Cam Scootin’s proponents have said the criticism facing the talented puppy is mainly related to his breed.

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Marcus Hayes: Steve Avery killed Teresa Halbach because he didn’t have a good point guard

Preparing to share a terrible opinion on Philly Sports Talk Live.

Philadelphia, PA – Human sweat-stain Marcus Hayes, appearing on Philly Sports Talk Live, had obviously finished “Making a Murderer” over the weekend as he tied the documentary series into a rambling, incoherent argument about how Ish Smith could have prevented Jahlil Okafor from getting into several altercations in Boston.

Pouring sweat down his jowls, Hayes said “the veteran leadership of Ish Smith would have stopped Okafor from having altercations, when out in public.”

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Pete Gas of the Mean Street Posse opens up about the WWE and Shane McMahon

Pete Gasparino aka Pete Gas.

Pete Gasparino, aka Pete Gas, wrestled in sweater vests and khakis as part of the Mean Street Posse for three years with the WWE during the heyday of the attitude era. Gasparino and friend Rodney Leinhardt were brought into the organization by Shane McMahon, son of WWE Owner Vincent McMahon, and paired with independent wrestler Joey Abs to form “The Mean Street Posse.”

Based partly on Gasparino and Leinhardt’s real life friendship with Shane, the Mean Street Posse wrestled for WWE from 1999 to 2001, feuding with Hall of Famers like the APA and with Crash Holly over the WWE Hardcore Belt.

Oh sweet Jesus did I hate the Mean Street Posse when I was 15 and firmly entrenched in professional wrestling. Their smarmy attitudes, their ring gear, their oddly catchy reggae infused entrance theme, they were the WORST.

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Despite overwhelming evidence, NFL reps deny existence of Chronic Traumatic Apathy in Pro Bowl participants

CTA affects so many NFL Pro Bowl Participants.

Honolulu, Hawaii – The NFL is facing a new medical controversy leading up to Super Bowl 50, as league representatives were forced to release a statement denying the existence of Chronic Traumatic Apathy in Pro Bowl Participants.

Symptoms of CTA include general malaise, missed tackles, jogging, lack of blocking effort, and can often be confused with massive hangovers and/or contempt at having to play a pointless football game before the Super Bowl.

“There’s no evidence that Chronic Traumatic Apathy, or CTA, is real. We were very proud of the results from yesterday’s Pro Bowl and we were happy with the level of competitiveness exhibited throughout,” NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said.

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Nicki Minaj apparently dating Jerry Colangelo

"The Other Woman" - Los Angeles Premiere - Arrivals Philadelphia, PA – After being spotted at the previous 76ers game, Nicki Minaj has been hanging around the 76ers offices at the Wells Fargo Center without boyfriend Meek Mill and has reportedly been spotted canoodling with Chairman of Basketball Operations Jerry Colangelo.

The 76-year-old Colangelo and 33-year-old singer Minaj were seen splitting a hot corn beef on rye sandwich at the Wells Fargo commissary, drinking sanka and smoking a bag of endo outside of Colangelo’s office.

The pairing has surprised many in the organization.

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Friends, family of Dennis Rodman hoping Wing Bowl appearance serves as final wake-up call

Has he reached his lowest point?

Philadelphia, PA – Dennis Rodman, known partier, alcoholic, and friend of North Korean despot Kim Jong-Un, was confirmed today as a special guest for Wing Bowl 24 by WIP Morning Show host Angelo Cataldi.

Many close friends and family members of Rodman hope this will serve as a wake-up call for the Hall of Fame basketball player and show him how far he’s sunk.

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