New York City, NY – Documents leaked to the media this morning have revealed that NBA officials are notably concerned that the Phantom of Sam Hinkie will attempt to disrupt the proceedings of the 2016 draft lottery, scheduled to be held tonight at approximately 8 p.m.
Hinkie, the disgraced former GM of the Philadelphia 76ers, was believed to have perished in a great fire in his home office the night his resignation letter to the franchise was published by numerous media outlets.
Philadelphia, PA – Jerry Colangelo, Chairman of Basketball Operations for the 76ers, arranged a second corporate partnership this morning and announced the deal at a press conference earlier today.
Colangelo, who reportedly arranged and brokered the new business deal by himself without consulting owner Josh Harris, said the deal would allow for a large patch on the back of each jersey for the next three seasons.
“This is truly an exciting day for the organization. Not only do we have an agreement with StubHub to place a patch on the front of each jersey, but I have arranged for a patch from ‘Crazy Charlie’s Crematorium’ to be placed on the back of each jersey for the next three years,” Colangelo told the assembled media.
Maikel Franco, in happier times.
Philadelphia, PA – Maikel Franco of the Philadelphia Phillies has been downgraded to questionable for tonight’s game against the Cincinnati Reds because the young third baseman cannot be coaxed out from his bedroom after staying up all night watching the Friday the 13th series.
Franco was missing for his schedule morning batting cage session and would not return phone calls from manager Pete Mackanin or teammates. When several team representative showed up to his apartment, he had reportedly barricaded the door to his luxury apartment and would not answer the door for the rest of the day because “Jason was out there.”
Lenny Dykstra, famed member of the 1993 Philadelphia Phillies that stole the heart of the city on their fabled run to the Word Series, joined Twitter yesterday in what was certainly the classiest course of action he’s taken in years.
Twitter, a festering breeding ground of casual racism, sexism, trolling, death threats, and general toxicity will likely be right up the alley of the man known as “Nails,” who has long cultivated an attitude of prickishness after his playing days were finalized in the 90s.
Philadelphia, PA – Day two of Sam Bradford returning to practice with the Philadelphia Eagles resulted in much of the same as day one, with the temperamental quarterback openly pouting in the locker room and loudly having cell phone conversations with his “besties” well within earshot of his teammates.
The quarterback didn’t openly complain about how he was treated to his teammates or the front office, but could be heard grumbling to himself as the team ran through drills that “nobody cares” about “what I want” out of this situation.
Philadelphia, PA – Noting that he had nothing to do today and it being Cinco De Mayo, Sam Bradford reportedly imbibed a half bottle of Zima he found in the back of his pantry and “got a little wild” on the Americanized holiday.
The Eagles quarterback, who is not participating in voluntary workouts, was puttering around his Haddonfield home Thursday morning when he came upon the bottle of Zima as he was cleaning out his pantry.
Not really sure why this bothers me as much as it does, but whoever run the Phillies twitter account is just awful at social media. Just nine tweets sent out during the course of a nine inning, three hour game.
What is he or she doing during the game? Are they catching a bullpen session? Are they just enjoying the grand old ball game? IS IT TOM MCCARTHY?!
It’s 162 game season, fellas, way to not burn out and waste too much material.
Yes it’s me, Barbaro, coming to you from the great stable in the sky. I didn’t want to take time out of my eternal schedule of eating oats, grazing on a never ending plain of Kentucky Bluegrass, and letting flies walk over my huge eyeballs without nary a care, but I need to get something off of my horse chest.
10 years ago I won the Kentucky Derby. One year late I died. I had a bad wheel, typically doesn’t go to well for us horses, as we prefer to have four functional legs. But what are you doing to do? I had a nice run and you know the risks when you get into the racing game. The dizzying highs, the terrifying lows…perhaps I trotted too close to the sun on hooves of sugar cubes, I don’t know. I’m a horse, and a dead one at that, what do I know about metaphors?
Philadelphia, PA – The two autograph seekers who booed Carson Wentz after the draftee denied them an autograph as he was being hustled through the Philadelphia Airport criticized Wentz for his “lack of class” and “immaturity” that the two middle-aged men clearly possess.
Wishing to remain anonymous, the first pasty autograph seeker (who by all accounts is well into the middle of his life, but has enough free time in his life to drop everything to stalk an athlete in the Philadelphia airport) said Wentz “really needs to grow a thicker skin” if he’s going to make it in Philadelphia.
Just a good ol’ country boy.
Philadelphia, PA – On the morning of his first draft, Eagles head coach Doug Pederson revealed some insight into his draft day strategy and what would go into the thought process for his first organizational picks.
Rather than attend the draft in Chicago and be in the war room with his assistant coaches and front office personnel, Pederson said he would likely just mosey on down to the winding creek around back of his homestead and just “sit a spell.”
The Coggin Toboggan 