Los Angeles, Calif. – Quarterback Nick Foles is a no-show today at the beginning of Los Angeles Rams voluntary OTAs, after the four year veteran could not find a spot in the official team carpool to the stadium each day.
Foles said it was almost unconscionable that the unanimous starting quarterback for the Los Angeles Ram could be cast aside in such an embarrassing fashion.
Brown noser.
Philadelphia, PA – As the Eagles continue their OTA workouts after the holiday weekend, several analysts are lauding rookie quarterback Carson Wentz for his ability to pick up head coach Doug Pederson’s offense quicker than either quarterbacks Sam Bradford or Chase Daniel.
However, Wentz will not be winning any popularity contests with his teammates anytime soon, as the young quarterback is reportedly ruffling the feathers of a number of veterans on the team.
A Scottish diplomat on a recently diplomacy mission to England.
Philadelphia, PA – The Philadelphia Police Department is taking the threat of a Scottish Professional Football League Match potentially being hosted at Lincoln Financial Field in early 2017 very seriously, city officials announced this morning.
Philadelphia Police Commissioner Charles H. Ramsey addressed the threat this morning at City Hall.
“Yes, we have confirmation that a Scottish football match may be held at Lincoln Financial Field at an unknown date in early 2017. I’d like to stress that our citizens remain calm and begin to stockpile alcohol as quickly as possible,” Ramsey said.
“Lord knows you won’t be able to find any when the time comes.”
National Harbor, Maryland – Jairam Hathwar, 13, a finalist at the 89th Scripps National Spelling Bee, said he would enjoy every moment at the Bee because, in all likelihood, everything would be downhill from here on out.
The fabulously talented speller noted that if he wins the competition he would likely enjoy a brief moment of elevated popularity at his school, but after a week or two most would forget about his national championship and go back to making fun of his choice of shoe wear or his lack of athletic ability.
“You better believe I took a few extra moments after I nailed ‘daguerreotype’ in the finals. If I make the championship round tonight I’ll definitely be going to some of the parties available to the spellers instead of going back to my hotel to study. I need to live this up right now, it won’t get better than this,” Hathwar told reporters.
Hathwar said life would most likely not be better than his participation in the spelling bee until at least college, when the majority of people around him didn’t know he participated in several national spelling bees.
At press time, Hathwar said he would likely be disappointed if he didn’t win the 2016 championship, but was looking forward to playing some “goddamn X-Box for a change” instead of studying spelling every hour of every day.
Philadelphia, PA – A local Philadelphia man reportedly screamed at his TV Monday evening after he noticed Philadelphia Phillies center fielder Odubel Herrera failed to run out a ground ball he hit to the pitcher in the 7th inning of a contest against the Detroit Tigers.
Tom Corello, 42, who is currently scamming his disability insurance company by claiming his perfectly healthy back is too injured to allow him to work, was irate that Herrera dogged it up the line late in the ballgame.
“Oh run out the godamn ball, Odubel! Play like a professional for Christ sake,” Corello said, as he strapped himself into a fake back brace he had recently purchased from a crooked medical supply company his friend Sal had told him about.
The solution to Philadelphia’s budgetary problems?
Philadelphia, PA – The Philadelphia City Council and Mayor Jim Kenney announced a new tax proposal Tuesday night to help fill gaps in the 2017-2018 city budget.
After substantial blow back to a proposed sugary-drink tax, the council and Kenney proposed a Mike Missanelli douche-bag tax to fund city schools and promote healthy living as part of the mayor’s budget package.
Philadelphia, PA – New 76ers GM Bryan Colangelo has officially proclaimed Sam Hinkie’s much maligned “Process” is now over and the franchise is ready to move on to the next chapter.
Colangleo then debuted “The Procedure,” a new plan to move the 76ers into the 21st century and into a new golden era of basketball that will see the city revel in carnal delights only few mortals have ever set out to obtain.
The Procedure, he explained, would bestow enlightenment, an all-knowing aura and elite rebounding abilities to only the truest believers in the organization.
All eyes are on the Philadelphia 76ers for the upcoming 2016 NBA draft, as the beleaguered franchise finally caught a stroke of good luck when it was awarded the first overall pick earlier this week.
Many believe the race is down to two candidates, with Ben Simmons and Brandon Ingram being considered by the franchise. It seems to be an odd choice, as Ben “The Sports Guy” Simmons is well into his 40s and is a white male of average height.
The famed Figrin D’an of the Modal Nodes.
Philadelphia, PA – Perhaps taking a page out of the Reading Fightins book, the Philadelphia Soul are getting into the Star Wars craze and have announced they will don jerseys with a classic character from the beloved sci-fi franchise for an upcoming game.
The Soul will wear Figrin D’an jerseys against the Orlando Predators this Saturday, May 21.
Figrin D’an, as any fan of the series knows, is the lead Kloo Horn player and bandleader of the Modal Nodes. The Modal Nodes, of course, are the house band of the Mos Eisley Cantina and are known for their hit single “The Cantina Song,” which they perform on repeat for hours at a time.
The Soul are planning a night of festivities to honor the “most famous and well-known character of the Star Wars Franchise” during the special night.
God damnit
God damnit, mother fucking piece of shit. Eat shit, eat shit and die all of you, you fucking pieces of garbage. Fucking cunt licking, smelly asshole, no good mother fuckers that wouldn’t know a good deal if it bit you in your 2-inch dick.
FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE IN MY ASS.
Crap on a cracker, cum on a cracker, cum and crap on a cracker shoved into those Colangelo fruitcake’s mouths. Incest ridden shit fuck of a family, run me out of town, you fuckwads. Fucking fuck fuck fuck me with a stick.
I hope everyone in that franchise dies a horrible, horrible death. Steamroller accidents, immolation from molten lead, tragic welding mishaps….the more painful and horrific for your families to endure the better.
Cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt fucking cunt needle in your eyes shitdick mother fucking dick up your ass the Colangelo’s can suck my two-foot dick.
Hinkster out, bitches.
The Coggin Toboggan 