Philadelphia, PA – New 76ers GM Bryan Colangelo has officially proclaimed Sam Hinkie’s much maligned “Process” is now over and the franchise is ready to move on to the next chapter.
Colangleo then debuted “The Procedure,” a new plan to move the 76ers into the 21st century and into a new golden era of basketball that will see the city revel in carnal delights only few mortals have ever set out to obtain.
The Procedure, he explained, would bestow enlightenment, an all-knowing aura and elite rebounding abilities to only the truest believers in the organization.
Colangelo chuckled to himself when a reporter pointed out that “The Procedure” sounded an awful lot like Hinkie’s “Process.”
“Don’t confuse the Process for the Procedure. My plan is foolproof, unlike that fly by night charlatan that ran this team into the ground for the last three years,” Colangelo said. “We already have the first pick in the upcoming draft and two other first round picks. That’s the Procedure for you, always giving to those who are not worthy to receive. We must give thanks to the Procedure and the glory it has already befallen on Philadelphia.”
Only through a series of smart free agent signings, the development of the franchise’s young athletes, and a number of sacrifices to Gul, the god of Darkness and Wind, would the franchise once again rise to power in the NBA.
“If Nerlens (Noel) can take the next step and add an offense factor to his game, we’ll be that much better,” Colangelo said.
“And if glorious Gul hears the cries of our victims and accepts our sacrifices, it can only improve our three point percentage next year. All hail Gul, we will crush the non-believers under our boot heels in your name.”
Colangelo then debuted new mandatory uniforms for both the organization athletes and employees, which consisted of long, flowing purple robes, black Nike shoes, and hats made of shredded 2015-2016 season tickets.
At press time, Colangelo noted that if all else failed he would likely pass out cups of Kool-Aid at the midway point of the season, take a long nap, and meet up with Gul behind Haley’s Comet to live out the rest of his days in the paradise of the Eknih 6 Galaxy.