Philadelphia, PA – The Philadelphia Police Department is taking the threat of a Scottish Professional Football League Match potentially being hosted at Lincoln Financial Field in early 2017 very seriously, city officials announced this morning.
Philadelphia Police Commissioner Charles H. Ramsey addressed the threat this morning at City Hall.
“Yes, we have confirmation that a Scottish football match may be held at Lincoln Financial Field at an unknown date in early 2017. I’d like to stress that our citizens remain calm and begin to stockpile alcohol as quickly as possible,” Ramsey said.
“Lord knows you won’t be able to find any when the time comes.”
The last time a large contingency of Scots came through the city was in 2012. Headbutting incidents increased by 500%, alcohol sales skyrocketed by over 1,000%, kilt sales were at an all-time high and the city’s drunk tanks were overrun by foul-mouthed, stingy red-heads.
“And that was when the Scottish ambassador and his 10 employees were visiting the city on a diplomacy mission. This football match has the potential to be the biggest Scot disaster this city has ever seen,” Ramsey said.
Ramsey then urged all city residents to stay away from South Philadelphia during the date and to spend their potential last moments with loved ones.
When a reporter noted that the match could potentially fall on the same weekend as the Annual Bagpipe and Scotch Celebration at the Philadelphia Convention Center, Ramsey said he was “getting too old for this shit” and was just grateful he would be retired by then.