Philadelphia

The Coggin Toboggan 420 office party devolved into crystal meth usage so quickly

grateful-dead-002

As the CEO of a multi-billion dollar company, I know my employees deserve a break every now and again. Hell, when I started the Coggin Toboggan three years ago, we were all about fun! Now, it seems as if our bottom line is nothing more than the dollars we put in our coffers at the end of each fiscal year. We sometimes forget that the real lifeblood of this company is our employees, so I thought today would be a perfect day to celebrate their hard work and let them know they’re appreciated.

I’m hip, I’m with it. It’s 420, right? When employees got here this morning the crunchy grooves of the Grateful Dead and Phish were flowing through the company PA speakers, freshly rolled joints were scattered in bowls throughout the break rooms, and the vibe was just chill.

Well you know what, gang? Never again.

(more…)

Sweaty, untalented journalist Marcus Hayes is descending upon Syracuse University

C8_EZE4XcAA0W-j As if Syracuse isn’t a depressing enough place to live in already, Philadelphia’s muskiest sports journalist Marcus Hayes is taking his talents to upstate New York to teach young, impressionable sports journalists the fine art of accusing beloved, local sports figures of racism with no concrete evidence or first-hand anecdotes.

May god have mercy on your souls.

I know what you’re thinking if you’re a journalism student at Syracuse. SURE, it seems like a great idea to attend the symposium of an alum who has “made it” in the world of sports journalism, but what’s the catch?

Oh yeah, he’s an untalented hack and will teach you absolutely nothing.

(more…)

94 WIP risks its journalistic integrity, discusses highly controversial Eagles “mock draft”

08d40986-1dba-cfd3-ff75-dad5ce49b42d Perhaps in a desperate attempt to bolster its sliding ratings, 94 WIP threw caution to the wind this morning when Midday host Joe DeCamara decided to discuss, on live air, a controversial NFL mock draft that has been floating around the dark web of the internet for the past week.

For perhaps the first time in the station’s vaunted and respected history, a sports talk show decided to acknowledge and discuss unverified rumors about an upcoming sporting event.

Only previously discussed in hushed tones by journalists behind closed doors, DeCamara brought up the several page document, published by an unknown NFL insider and malcontent at ESPN, which attempted to accurately predict every pick for the seven round draft based on each team’s needs on the field.

(more…)

Area dads announce intentions to wax poetic about crack of the bat, green grass, all that horseshit

scwesxjb With another opening day finally upon us, area dads have announced they plan to fondly discuss attending past opening day Phillies games with their fathers, their distinct memories of the smells of the old Veteran’s Stadium, and all the other horseshit that will be quickly forgotten by June.

Area dad John McMartin, 48, told reporters Monday that he planned to turn the game on today at 4 p.m., sit down with his son, Anthony, 9, and his daughter Jamie, 6, and watch the first two innings of the Phillies vs. Reds until all three inevitably lose interest and go their separate ways.

(more…)

San Francisco Giants release former Phillies shortstop Jimmy Rollins

jimmy-rollins-headshot-9ff3104f41942be8 The San Francisco Giants announced yesterday that 17-year MLB veteran Jimmy Rollins would not make the team’s final roster.

Rollins, who famously led the Philadelphia Phillies to its first World Series victory since 1980 after declaring them the team to beat. He is one of 8 players, and the only shortstop in the history of baseball, to hit 200 home runs, 500 doubles, and collect 400 steals.

Rollins won three Gold Gloves in his career and was named baseball’s MVP in 2007.

Rollins is reportedly contemplating retirement after hitting .125/.222/.250 with the Giants this spring.

REPORT: Rookie Brock Stassi can’t wait for it to go all downhill from here

030616_brock-stassi_1200

Brock Stassi lowered his guard for a few moments yesterday and cried tears of joy after being informed he had made the Phillies 2017 opening day roster and quickly realizing that it would go all downhill from this point onward.

Stassi told reporters he would forever savor this moment before the city inevitably turns on him for his poor play.

“This is what everyone who has ever played an inning of little league dreams of. It’s been a long journey, drafted in the 33rd round, all those years in AAA, it makes this all the more satisfying,” Stassi said.

“I can see it now, by June I’ll be hitting .220 in limited plate appearances, the sports talk stations will begin to wonder why the Phillies are wasting a roster spot on me, and fans will start to grumble every time they hear my name announced on the PA system at Citizen’s Bank Park when I’m called upon to pinch hit in a key situation, knowing full well I’ll likely ground out into an inning ending, rally killing double play. It couldn’t be more perfect.

Stassi added that he was already planning out a series poorly thought out social media miscues blaming the fans for not supporting him during his struggles in July.

The Eagles have zero Super Bowls, but let’s all freak out about Kelly Green jerseys

Randall Cunningham is rolling over in his grave with all this nonsense about the Eagles jerseys.

No city in America is more obsessed with a uniform color scheme than the mouth-breathing Eagles fans who are preoccupied beyond measure for their beloved Kelly Green. Only this city could be head over heels for a fictional boxer and a color that hasn’t been used for decades.

This is where you should certainly draw a line in the sand, Jeffrey Lurie, the stupid color for the jerseys. Fight to bring them back as alternate uniforms, that’s ideally what you and the organization should be focusing on. The Eagles are .500 since the 2010 and haven’t won a playoff game since 2008…..BUT THEY’RE BRINGING BACK THE KELLY GREENS!

(more…)

Pay no attention to the high-collared dimwit behind the curtain

wizard_behind_the_curtain

YES, JOEL EMBIID WILL HAVE SURGERY ON HIS KNEE. I DO NOT NEED TO GIVE AN EXPLANATION. HE SUFFERED ANOTHER INJURY DURING A PRACTICE IN JANUARY. NO MORE QUESTIONS, THE GREAT GM OF COLANGELO HAS SPOKEN. YOU SHALL COME BACK TOMORROW IF YOU DESIRE MORE DETAILS FOR YOUR PRECIOUS NEWSPAPER COLUMNS AND BLOGS. THE GREAT GM OF COLANGELO HAS DECREED IT SO.

JUST BE HAPPY THAT I GRANTING YOU AN AUDIENCE TOMORROW AND NOT TWENTY YEARS FROM NOW YOU SIMPERING MEMBERS OF THE MEDIA, I HAVE SPOKEN. HOW DARE YOU SECOND GUESS THE GREAT, AND ALL POWERFUL, GM OF COLANGELO.

::A blogger from Liberty Ballers sees a curtain to the side of the press room and pulls it open, revealing Bryan Colangelo pulling several levers and speaking menacingly into a microphone::

(more…)

REPORT: Yachting loafers kicked through TVs at a record high after Villanova loss

wealthy-people-on-a-jet Yachting loafers, sailing shoes and boat shoes were kicked through televisions at an alarmingly high rate Saturday afternoon, correlating with the stunning upset of #1 Villanova by #8 Wisconsin in the NCAA March Madness tournament.

Reports coming in to the Coggin show brands of Sperrys, Nubuck Deck Shoes, Barque Deck Shoes and Cole Haan Boothbay Boat shoes were sent hurtling into 80-inch flat screen televisions at a shocking rate at the conclusion of Villanova’s 65-62 loss.

(more…)

ST. PATRICK’S DAY REPORT: Joel Embiid has been vomiting corned beef for the last hour

joel-embiid-2016100801

Philadelphia, PA – Injured 76ers center Joel Embiid has reportedly been lying face down in his apartment bathroom for the past hour, intermittently raising his giant frame to expel copious amounts of corned beef into his toilet.

Varying accounts claim that Embiid arose at the break of dawn and started to cook several bricks of the salty, cured meat that has become eponymous to the Irish and the celebration of St. Patrick’s Day.

Embiid reportedly began to eat the first slab of corned beef, alone at his kitchen table, at 8 a.m. this morning in complete silence. After polishing off the entire brick of fatty, marbled meat, he took a second out of the boiling pot of water and retreated, again in silence, to his table.

After successfully eating more than eight pounds of the Irish delicacy, Embiid excused himself from his kitchen and retired to the bathroom, where he has been retching nonstop for the past hour.

At press time, Embiid was able to calm himself for a brief moment as he rummaged through his bathroom cabinets, procured a “kiss me I’m Irish” hat from underneath his sink, placed it atop his head, and then returned to the task at hand.