Flyers

What does Doug Pederson’s head look like?

dougie-pWe struggled to figure out what to write on the blog today. Another post about Villanova? No thanks. Something about the Flyers and their march to the playoffs? Nah. The 76ers winning their 10th game of the season? The 25 remaining Sixers fans in this city would be annoyed and go to Facebook to complain.

So we really decided to dig deep and flex our journalistic muscle. We want to make a difference and write posts that people in this city will read and think about for the rest of their day.

So, here is a complete list of things we think Eagles Head Coach Doug Pederson’s weird head looks like.

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Report: Claude Giroux really going at that punching bag
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God he is PISSED.

Philadelphia, PA – Teammates practicing at the Flyers Skate Zone yesterday were tipped off to Claude Giroux’s snub from Team Canada for the upcoming World Cup of Hockey as they were greeted by the captain “really going to town” on the punching bag set up in the facility’s fitness center.

Several were surprised to see Giroux reportedly “wailing” on the piece of exercise equipment before the scheduled practice.

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After scoring first goal, RJ Umberger falls through ice
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Moments before RJ Umberger skated towards thin ice at the Wells Fargo Center.

Philadelphia, PA – The bad luck streak continued for snake bitten Flyers forward RJ Umberger last night, even after he scored his first goal of the season and his first goal in more than a year.

Umberger, perhaps distracted by his celebration, did not heed warnings from his teammates and skated perilously close to a notorious section of weak ice at the Wells Fargo Center.

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VORACEK GOES TOP TITS!…by some Bro from the Epsilon House
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Do it for Jake, Sully.

OH MY GOD, SULLY, DID YOU FUCKING SEE THAT? Sully, put down your Bud Plat, did you fucking see that son? Jake Voracek just TOTALLY WENT TOP TITS to win the game!

I know it’s 2 for 1 at the Tap and Cap and you’ve got your mind on some prime trim from the Gamma house, but you’ve got to look at this SWEET goal by Jake the Snake! He just hustled up, got the puck from the board, spun around, and totally made some dude on the Caps his bitch buy burying a goal TOP TITS and winning the game for the Fly Guys.

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Flyers horrified to realize Philadelphia’s hopes now rest entirely on them

giroux-upsetPhiladelphia, PA – An eerie feeling came over the Flyers Skate Zone yesterday, almost as if every single active member of the roster suddenly realized that without the Eagles to occupy most of the city’s attention, they would now be the prime source of hope and attention for the city’s rabid fan base.

An ashen faced Claude Giroux addressed the media after a sloppy practice, where it was evident the entire team had reached the same epiphany and were already crumbling under the weight of Philadelphia’s expectations.

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Rod Brind’Amour turns heel as he is honored by Flyers
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Oh god, why Rod?!

Philadelphia, PA – A supposed night of closure and redemption turned into a night of true shock as Rod Brind’Amour turned heel and railed against the city that loved him so dearly.

The evening started off on a high note, as Flyers play-by-play man Jim Jackson introduced him to the roaring crowd.

Brind’Amour walked out of the tunnel after being announced, smiling and shaking hands with familiar faces. Jackson presented him with a “Brind’Amour Cup” and team dignitaries thanked him for his years of service to the team.

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‘Flyers need to trade Giroux,’ says drunken fan who has never played hockey

53b4175a3c864.imagePhiladelphia, PA – Disgusted by the 15 minutes he watched of the Flyers 5-2 loss on Thursday night against the Washington Capitals, Kenneth Franklin, 49, dropped a bombshell of an idea on his drinking buddy as the two exited McGlinchey’s Bar after a few beers.

Franklin, who has never played a minute of hockey in his life and watches the game sporadically throughout the season when the 76ers are not on TV, levied an idea that would bring the franchise to its knees with its brazenness.

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Just sit back and enjoy each 76ers loss, the most entertaining team in the city

76ers logoI’ve watched 16 minutes of the first period of the Flyers game against the Edmonton Oilers, who are 4-8, and have outshot the Flyers by 16-2 so far.

The Eagles are so bad this season the fan base practically begged the Eagles to seriously consider parting ways with draft picks to trade for Colin Kaepernick. Kaepernick was benched this week in favor of backup QB Blaine Gabbert, the very same Blaine Gabbert who has thrown more interceptions in his professional career than touchdowns.

They want him to replace Sam Bradford. Bradford has the longest sleeves in the NFL. That’s the only positive you can mention about him this season.

It’s going to be a shitty winter. Perhaps Phil Connors said it best, “I’ll give you a winter prediction: It’s gonna be cold, it’s gonna be grey, and it’s gonna last you for the rest of your life.”

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‘I’m good to go,’ Michael Raffl declares from coma

103114_michael-raffl_600Philadelphia, PA – Michael Raffl, who momentarily passed out on the Flyers bench Saturday night after taking an elbow directly to the jaw, has declared through a series of hand squeezes that he should be good to go for Tuesday night’s game against the Buffalo Sabres.

“Great news about Raffl. Using the classic one squeeze for yes, two squeeze for no code, we have deduced Raffl should be in the lineup this evening,” Flyers General Manager Ron Hextall said. “It’s amazing he didn’t even have a concussion.”

Raffl took an elbow directly to the jaw Saturday night during a play near the boards against the New York Rangers. The forward woozily made his way back to the Flyers bench, before collapsing and passing out. Play was halted as trainers frantically escorted the dazed and confused Raffl back to the locker room.

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Philadelphia earmarks millions of dollars for time travel on Back to the Future Day
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Woah, that’s heavy.

Philadelphia, PA – Mayor Michael Nutter and the Philadelphia City Council unanimously passed a measure this morning during an emergency council meeting to earmark $1.21 million of the city’s budget to the development of a time travel machine.

The city government passed the measure on Back to the Future Day, the day Doc Brown and Marty McFly traveled to in “Back to the Future Part II” when they used their time traveling DeLorean to go into the future.

“It’s no coincidence we did this on Back to the Future Day. If you recall, Doc Brown and Marty McFly used their time machine throughout the series of movies to right the wrongs of the past and improve their current time period. We hope to do the same in Philadelphia, namely by traveling back to Thursday, June 26, 2014 and stopping Sam Hinkie from ever drafting that complete stiff Joel Embiid. It’s just one of the events we plan on changing when we finally develop a super-cool time traveling machine,” Mayor Michael Nutter declared during a mid-afternoon press conference.

The city hopes to develop a sleek time travel machine made out of a “super awesome Corvette” or “bitching dune buggy,” Nutter revealed Wednesday.

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