Eagles

Who will make our Eagles picks this weekend?
y5svd

It’s all going wrong.

FREEFALL. That’s the only word to describe our guest pickers performance these past few weeks. We’re getting killed, KILLED in these stupid predictions after just completely flying out of the gates. Three straight incorrect win/loss predictions and two straight against the spread.

Frankly, I’m embarrassed that we’ve chosen these pickers to come on our website, give you, the reader, some important gambling predictions, only to have them completely blow it and make a mockery of everything we hold dear.

But do you feel it? I feel it. A change in the air. Let’s turn this sinking ship around with the Eagles (+1.5) vs. The Vikings in Philadelphia this weekend. It’s the return of Sammy Sleeves, which can only mean one thing….

Win/loss prediction results: 2-3

Against the spread: 3-2

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Vikings Coach Mike Zimmer: We’re expecting Bradford to give us inside info on Philadelphia
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Mike Zimmer is looking for an edge in Philadelphia.

Minneapolis, Minnesota – Vikings Head Coach Mike Zimmer said he would not hesitate to go to Sam Bradford for extra information as the Vikings travel to Philadelphia for a week 7 matchup.

Bradford of course spent last season with the Eagles before being traded to Minnesota prior to the start of the 2016-2017 season.

“Why wouldn’t we ask Sam about Philly? He spent an entire year there, he knows the ins and outs of Philadelphia…he knows all the best hot spots to hit up in Old City, the best sandwich places, and he totally told us about this one place on South Street that will sell you dime bags if you tell the guy a secret code word by the poster section…that’s inside information you can’t get from watching tape,” Zimmer said.

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Who will make our Eagles picks this week?
abbott2020cos

Two real assholes.

Well folks, let’s face it. Our guest pickers weren’t going to go 16-0 on both their win/loss and spread predictions, but we’re still on track to go 16-0 against the spread this season DESPITE Abbot and Costello not being bullish two weeks ago about the Eagles chances against Pittsburgh.

The Eagles really showed them up and proved they were a team to be reckoned with in the NFL. I’m sure those deceased comedians are rolling over in their graves after picking against the mighty Birds. THAT’LL TEACH YOU TO TRY AND PICK NFL GAMES. GO BACK TO WRITING COMEDY BITS THAT STAND THE TEST OF TIME AND STILL DELIGHT FANS EVERYWHERE TO THIS DAY, YOU PIECES OF GARBAGE.

Leave the football picks to the professionals.

This week the Eagles (3-0) travel to lovely Detroit, the crown jewel of Michigan, to take on the Lions (1-3).

Here’s our record so far:

Win/Loss prediction record: 2-1

Against the spread: 3-0

But who have we brought in to make the week 3 pick? Will they take the Eagles (-3) or the lowly Lions? We decided to bring in the host of a modestly popular television show in Detroit to see if he can steer our readers in the right direction. But who are we talking about?

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110-pound, acne free Lane Johnson addresses claims and denies PED use
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Lane Johnson circa 2015.

Philadelphia, PA – Following reports from Howard Eskin and Darren Degaetano that Eagles right tackle Lane Johnson would face a 10-game suspension for PED use, the gaunt and sickly looking offensive lineman spoke out this afternoon and denied the reports.

Practically swimming in his jersey, the 110-pound Johnson addressed the rumors and said he hadn’t touched a PED since his first violation in 2014.

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Marvin Harrison critical of Philadelphia fans, praises city’s lax attitude towards murder in HOF speech
2016 Hall of Fame Football

Marvin Harrison had some harsh words for Philadelphia and its fans.

Canton, Ohio – Oh boy Philadelphia, if you haven’t heard wide receiver Marvin Harrison’s Hall of Fame Speech this weekend you may just want to skip this article altogether.

The newly minted NFL Hall of Fame wide receiver took a shot at his hometown fans in his induction speech, criticizing their legendarily harsh attitude to Philadelphia athletes.

“I’m from Philadelphia, the home of the Eagles,” Harrison said. “If you get the coin toss wrong in Philadelphia, they want to trade you the first thing on Monday morning, so I wasn’t used to that in Indianapolis.”

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Voodoo lessons already paying for themselves, according to Nick Foles
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Voodoo enthusiast, Nick Foles.

Los Angeles, Calif. – Noting that it was the smartest investment he has made in years, free agent Nick Foles noted that the voodoo lessons he had taken in the off-season were practically paying for themselves.

With the recent injury to Cowboys backup quarterback Kellen Moore, several NFL sources have said the Cowboys are reportedly interested in bringing Foles in to backup starter Tony Romo.

“I’m on the market for one day and Kellen Moore snaps his ankle like a twig at the Cowboys’ training camp? Gee, I wonder how that happened?” Foles said.

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Forgotten Chip Kelly regime microchip has been shocking Jason Peters for 24 hours

19128184-mmmainPhiladelphia, PA – Nearly a full day since Eagles lineman Jason Peters addressed the media after training camp and levied several harsh statements about previous head coach Chip Kelly, the tiny microchip that had been implanted in Peters’ spine by Kelly physicians three seasons ago has not stopped sending violent electric shocks through his system.

On Thursday after training camp concluded, Peters told reporters he was happy to see new head coach Doug Pederson bringing back the Andy Reid system to the organization, and he further stated that if veterans stood up to Kelly in the past they would be let go.

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Injured Ryan Mathews having best start to a training camp in his career
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The oft-injured Ryan Mathews is having his best start to a training camp ever.

Philadelphia, PA – Running back Ryan Mathews expressed his positivity to reporters this morning about his status in training camp, noting that a sprained ankle before the official start of camp is a personal best for the oft-injured Eagles running back.

Mathews reportedly sprained his ankle TRAINING for training camp last week and will likely miss several days after being placed on the non-football injury list.

It’s the best start to a season he’s ever had in term of an injury, Mathews told reporters.

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City of Philadelphia issues excessive hot-take warning during first day of training camp

580x400-trainingcamp-announcePhiladelphia, PA – City officials are warning Eagles fans to limit their internet and twitter exposure today, as Eagles beat reporters and local sports reporters are unleashing hot-takes at a furious pace today during the first day of Eagles training camp.

Philadelphia Mayor Jim Kenney warned elderly citizens and children under the age of 10 to stay off the internet completely. With a lack of substance and meaningful action on the field, Kenney warned the city that reporters would go to any lengths to suck readers in.

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