Eagles

Flyers horrified to realize Philadelphia’s hopes now rest entirely on them

giroux-upsetPhiladelphia, PA – An eerie feeling came over the Flyers Skate Zone yesterday, almost as if every single active member of the roster suddenly realized that without the Eagles to occupy most of the city’s attention, they would now be the prime source of hope and attention for the city’s rabid fan base.

An ashen faced Claude Giroux addressed the media after a sloppy practice, where it was evident the entire team had reached the same epiphany and were already crumbling under the weight of Philadelphia’s expectations.

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Chip Kelly, Tom Coughlin agree to rough touch for final game

092313-kelly-chip-eagles-600Philadelphia, PA – As both teams are out of contention for the playoffs and no unnecessary injuries are needed in the final game of the season, head coaches Chip Kelly and Tom Coughlin agreed to play under “rough touch” rules.

No tackling to the ground will be allowed for the final, utterly pointless game between the two horrendously underachieving teams.

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Eagles don’t make playoffs, our athletes are hGH taking morons…2015 can’t end soon enough
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I would say we are, yes. 

2015 is the worst year I can remember experiencing in this city. The Phillies lose close to 100 games, the Eagles miss out on the playoffs with one of the most HATEABLE rosters in franchise history, the 76ers are historically terrible, and the Flyers are far and away the only bright spot in the city and they’re three games over .500.

It has not been a great year for sports in this city.

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Santa Claus Column: Alright, enough already

jonathan_g_meath_portrays_santa_clausAt this time every year, when I should be making my list and checking it twice, my Twitter and Facebook accounts blow up for about three weeks leading up to the big day. And do you know what most of my mentions are? Do you know what most of the “clever” comments I receive are about?

You guessed it…it’s always about Philadelphia booing Santa Claus.

Even during the Sunday night Eagles/Cardinals game, my good friend Cris Collinsworth alluded to an incident that happened decades ago, even though I specifically asked him to not bring it up on air.

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Win/Loss post game scenarios for LeSean McCoy

usa-today-8808454-0Win

Shady BURSTS into the locker room, skipping and hollering into the visitor’s locker room at Lincoln Financial Field, screaming obscenities in the direction of the Eagles locker room.

“FUCK YEAH, FUCK YEAH, that’s what you  mother fuckers get when you let Shady go in the offseason, fuck this city, fuck this team, McCoy mother fucker! I am the god damn man!” he screams, slamming his helmet down onto the ground.

McCoy, so enthused at the win, starts to play air guitar to a song only he can hear.

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Miles Austin takes wrong route to press conference, gets intercepted by street toughs

Miles+Austin+GQ+XLV+Super+Bowl+Party+Inside+zl13BUtWc60lPhiladelphia, PA – On his way to a press conference Monday afternoon to address the media after he was cut, former Eagles wide receiver Miles Austin took an incorrect route and somehow ended up in Camden.

The befuddled wide receiver wandered through the dangerous streets for nearly 45 minutes before disappearing.

Neither team representatives or family members had any idea how Austin had gotten away from his professional handlers, who routinely have to remind him about team functions, practices, games, and specific plays after they are called for in game.

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Lane Johnson cements Donnie Jones’ status as only likable member on Eagles roster

112013-donnie-jones-600Philadelphia, PA – Lane Johnson’s recent comments about Lincoln Financial Field not offering a home field advantage because of apathetic fans has cemented punter Donnie Jones as the most likable member of the 2015-2016 roster.

It’s rare for a punter to hold the prestigious ranking on any football team, but with such an unlikable cast of rogues on the roster this year Jones found himself on top of the heap Tuesday afternoon.

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Eagles scouts frustrated at unexplained disappeance of long snapper replacements
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Magic Man or occult specialist…you decide.

Philadelphia, PA – The Philadelphia Eagles are currently auditioning several replacements for longtime long snapper Jon Dorenbos after the veteran’s rough game this past Sunday. Chip Kelly criticized Dorenbos for two inaccurate snaps that led to a missed 32-yard field goal and a blocked punt.

However, scouts and front office officials are having a difficult time assessing the replacements, as each one has mysteriously disappeared from the practice field before their tryouts were completed.

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Ray Didinger: The Eagles are an affront to everything good in life

ray-didingerPhiladelphia, PA – Ray Didinger, the normally calm and collected Hall of Fame football analyst, continued his whirlwind media freak-out tour after the Eagles lost to the lowly Miami Dolphins 20-19 this past Sunday.

Didinger harshly criticized Kelly on Sunday after the game when Kelly mentioned he was happy the team had run 88 plays during the course of the game.

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Sanchez inspires teammates with post-game players only talk, loses them all at last minute

hi-res-3c9dc8ab72ff1c764151e2269e9a0ed2_crop_northPhiladelphia, PA – Reports coming out of Lincoln Financial Field yesterday are saying Mark Sanchez held an inspiring players-only  meeting after the Eagles 20-19 loss to the Miami Dolphins, rallying his teammates around him and inspiring faith in everyone who heard his speech, only to lose every single one of them before he could close out the meeting.

Reporters could only hear snippets of the discussion behind the closed locker room doors, but Sanchez’s voice could clearly be heard telling his teammates that “they needed to stay together now more than ever,” and “above all else, we are a family. We win, lose and die together as a family, and there’s nobody else in this world I would rather be with right now than you guys.”

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