Doug Pederson

An Eagles season and the five stages of grief

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In 1969, Elizabeth Kubler published her seminal book on death and dying, titled…err…”On Death and Dying,” which first put forth the idea of the “Five Stages of Grief.” While working with terminally ill patients, Kubler observed that patients typically traveled through “five stages” after being diagnosed with a terminal illness.

Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance have become the widely accepted stages of terminally ill patients and has been expanded to people going through traumatic or life changing events. While the stages may be different for each individual, the theory has proven to be a valuable tool in helping those coping with tremendous stress and anxiety in their lives.

Sounds like an Eagles fan to me.

After years of great wailing and gnashing of teeth watching the Eagles flounder through season after season, I’ve identified the classic five stages every fan experiences watching one of the most inept franchises in the NFL fuck its way through lost season after lost season.

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BREAKING NEWS: Doug Pederson tells team Nelson Agholor sent to farm upstate
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He’s living a much happier life now.

Philadelphia, PA – After several repeated inquiries from teammates and coaches prior to tonight’s game against the Green Bay Packers, Eagles Head Coach Doug Pederson is reportedly telling those who ask about Nelson Agholor that the young, troubled wide receiver has been sent to live on a farm  in upstate Pennsylvania.

“We thought Nelson needed some room to run, to play, and to live free on a big lovely farm. Plenty of space for him to prance and live his life away from the prying eyes of the media and disappointed coaches,” Pederson said.

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It’s official, the Eagles are worse than the stomach flu
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The face that launched a thousand buckets of puke yesterday.

My kid has had the stomach flu since Wednesday. This house has been filled with puke, shit, tears, and all sorts of horrendous bodily fluids since early last week, some of them even from him.

Whether or not the puking/shitting was caused by him actually watching the first quarter of the game with me is yet to be determined.

Good LORD that was terrible. Doug Pederson basically had a stroke on the sidelines and decided to leave 6-points on the field in a crucial NFC East game and now the Eagles are where they belong, in the mother fucking basement.

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Jim Schwartz rewards himself with relaxing fugue state after each game
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Fugued out.

Philadelphia, PA – Defensive coordinator Jim Schwartz did not meet with media after the Eagles 34-3 win over the Pittsburgh Steelers. The intensely devoted Schwartz instead chose to take some time for himself, unwind, and place himself in a nice fugue state to calm down after the stress of coaching an NFL game.

Schwartz typically will retire to room 57-B in bowels of Lincoln Financial Field after a game, find a nice spot in the corner of the room, and face the wall for hours at a time until he loses all conscious thought and memory of self.

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Philadelphia can’t wait to turn on Carson Wentz
NFL: Preseason-Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Philadelphia Eagles

Enjoy it now, Wentzy boy.

Carson Wentz looks like the real deal. After a stunning debut in Eagles green, the rookie quarterback is firmly entrenched in the hearts and minds of Eagles fans throughout the city.

And boy oh boy, when they decide to turn on him it’s going to be something special.

Remember when Nick Foles was the savior? When Chip Kelly had an offense that the NFL couldn’t figure out? We were all crowing about how the Eagles were a jump ahead of the rest of the league.

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Who will make our Eagles picks this season?
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RIP Snickers the Possum. We hardly knew ye. (2015-2016)

What a conundrum. Just two days from the start of the Eagles 2016-2017 season and we have no columnist to pick games for us. Last year, as everyone knows, we employed Snickers, an anthropomorphic possum, to serve as our official Eagles handicapper. The lovable little scamp quickly scittered his way into our collective hearts and became a fan favorite.

Unfortunately, he was terrible at picking games. TERRIBLE. I’m not sure he picked a single game correctly through the five weeks we allowed him to pick games last year. He had terrible jokes, awful possum puns, he would play dead whenever we tried to tell him he needed to improve his performance….it was frustrating.

So after smashing his head on a rock, we abandoned our game predictions and vowed to never do it again.

But it’s a new year. New grass on the field, a new quarterback at the helm, so why don’t we try this again?

But who will make our Eagles picks now? Well, we decided to bring in SPECIAL GUESTS each and every week to share their knowledge with us, their wisdom, and hopefully not sue the website for using their likeness and making fun of them to pick football games.

But who is up first this season…..?

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Get to know Eagles head coach Doug Pederson in the NFL’s PR 2016 season guide

doug-pederson-650-362The NFL conducted interviews of every head coach for its 2016 PR guide before the start of the season to offer reporters and fans a bit of a glimpse into the side of the coaches that they might not see on Sundays.

The questions are a bit silly and don’t talk about the intricate details of football these men have to deal with on a weekly basis, but it’s an interesting study in seeing what makes these men tick outside of the football field.

We got our hands on Doug Pederson’s interview before it’s published in the PR guide and are happy to share it with you, our dear readers.

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“Everyone hates me and is blaming me for the season already,” sobbing Lane Johnson says from tree fort

100615_lane-johnson_1024Philadelphia, PA – After scrambling up his rope ladder and hanging the “no gurlz alloud” sign on his tree fort after an open practice where he was mocked for an upcoming 10 game suspension by fans, Eagles offensive tackle Lane Johnson loudly sobbed into a ratty pillow he stole from his mother’s house and refused to come down for anyone.

“It’s not fair. I didn’t mean to get suspended. They totally said I could take that peptide, the NFLPA is just a bunch of poop-filled jerks! It’s not my fault! Crap!” Johnson said, despite knowing he wasn’t allowed to cuss and could see his bedtime moved up by as much as an hour if anyone heard.

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Doug Pederson to start calling in plays now to ensure they reach Bradford by game time
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Doug Pederson feels he has a good play-calling system in place now.

Philadelphia, PA – On the morning of their first 2016 preseason contest against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, newly minted Eagles Head Coach Doug Pederson has begun the process of sending in his first series of plays to quarterback Sam Bradford, with the hope that they’ll arrive by the start of the game.

Pederson, who has already faced criticism from fans and the media for his antiquated method of calling a play into the offense, said he has corrected his methods.

“We reviewed our play calling process and we feel like we really have the system down now. Should be a good game tonight, better start calling in those plays now,” Pederson said.

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Doug Pederson destroys horrifying sports science creation found at NovaCare Complex
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What horrors did this man see?

Philadelphia, PA – Eagles head coach Doug Pederson nearly burned the NovaCare Complex to the ground last night after the new coach made a gruesome discovery in the bowels of the Eagles training camp facility.

“It was horrible, just horrible. The scream it made after I sent it to hell….I’ll be hearing that in my nightmares for the rest of my life,” Pederson said, still donning a blanket a fire fighter had draped over him after the incident.

Wanting to cut back on the sports science technology mandated by former coach Chip Kelly, Pederson stumbled on a hidden back room in Kelly’s old office after he accidentally flipped a secret lever while trying to move boxes of hydration technique books out of the space.

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