Clubber’s prediction for tonight: Pain

What’s your prediction for the game tonight?

Prediction? …. Pain.

Yes, pain is just one of many outcomes in the first Monday Night Football match up of the NFL season between the Philadelphia Eagles and Atlanta Falcons. If the Eagles much improved, but still untested, secondary can put the clamps down on Falcons wide receiving corps, than it could be a long night for Atlanta Quarterback Matt Ryan, who enters the seasons with a career 91.1 overall QB rating. Ryan has to improve on the 14 interceptions he tossed last year, especially as he will be without a clear cut first rate running back tonight with hobbled Devonta Freeman still nursing a strained hamstring. Reports from Atlanta are claiming he will play, but if not at 100% it could be a long night for any runner going up against the front seven of the Eagles defense.The Falcons will certainly be facing an uphill battle against the Eagles, whom many are predicting may make a long run into the playoffs this season and will certainly figure in as one of the premier NFC talents in this young season.

But really, if I can be serious for a moment, there have been far too many injuries in this early NFL season and the prevalence of concussion risk will always cast its dour shadow over the game. So tonight, I urge all participants to play hard and practice the fundamentals of heads up tackling that should be the cornerstone of every professional football players skill set. So lets have fun out there, keep it clean, and just remember that you will have a life after football and you don’t want it to be ruined by chronic traumatic encephalopathy. There’s more to life than just a silly game. Take it from me, Clubber Lang.

Thousands feared dead in massive Philadelphia football fever outbreak

The CDC has released a special infographic detailing the dangers of Football Fever.

Philadelphia, PA – The death toll has topped 3,000 today as a city gripped in a full fledged case of football fever can only sit and wait to see if the epidemic will claim anymore victims.

Mayor Michael Nutter addressed the media this morning and said the situation in the city was grim.

“Far too emergency responders were summoned this weekend by frantic callers saying their loved ones were unresponsive on their couches, love seats, or in many, many cases, their La-Z-Boy recliners. In 95% of the cases the emergency technicians could not revive our citizens,” Nutter said.

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Phillies experience lowest bum attendance in 5 years

Where have all the hobos gone this season?

Philadelphia, PA – Heading towards its fourth below .500 season in five years, Philadelphia Phillies attendance has steadily dipped over the past four years.

More alarmingly, the homeless and bum attendance in 2015 is at an all time low, as attendance records show a staggering 35 bum per game rate, down from the record 200 bum per game rate the team enjoyed in 2011.

“It’s really a shame. Four years ago we’d have homeless just wandering the stadiums, dirtying bathrooms, harassing fans…it was a wonderful time,” an anonymous front office executive said. “Now we’re lucky if we have to forcibly remove one or two hobos from the stadium trying to fish half eaten nachos out of the trash.”

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Snickers the Possum is back and doing what he loves best, analyzing football!

Snickers the possum.

Hey it’s me, Snickers the Possum! If there are two things in this world that I know, it’s that discarded banana peels are excellent sources of potassium and I’m an excellent football analyst.

You may ask yourself, HEY, how in the world can a possum be good at analyzing football? Well, it’s a simple answer. I love to skulk around people’s homes here on Maple Avenue and when I’m not snout deep in a discarded baby diaper I’m peeping into windows and watching football! What a game. The brutality, the excitement, the wide open fields a lucky possum could scamper through while eating peanut shells and living his life to the fullest….but I digress.

And boy oh boy, where I live is Eagles country so I’ve seen more Eagles games in my life than I’ve eaten moldy pieces of bread, which let me tell you, is quite a lot. I have the intestinal parasites to prove it.

So I’ll be here, each Friday, giving my professional opinion on the upcoming Eagles game and letting you, the fair reader, know what to expect each week.

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BREAKING: Ruben Amaro Jr. causes massive security incident after being fired

Don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out.

Philadelphia, PA – A number of police officers swarmed to Citizens Bank Park earlier this afternoon when front office officials called the authorities after former GM Ruben Amaro Jr. locked himself in his office and was actively trying to trade away several pieces of the roster before leaving the premises.

Phillies Executive Andy Macphail met with the media as police officers dragged the kicking and screaming Amaro Jr. from his office before forcibly ejected him from Citizens Bank Park. Several members of the Philadelphia Fire Department had been summoned to the stadium and had to chop down Amaro Jr.’s door to allow police officers entrance.

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Former Eagles quarterback Tim Tebow converts to Judaism

Philadelphia, PA – Citing a need for a change in his life after the latest setback to his professional football career, formerly devout follower of the Catholic faith Tim Tebow decided it was time for a new chapter in his life and completed his conversion to Judaism late Wednesday evening.

The embattled professional athlete said it was definitely for the best.

“Let’s be honest, I wasn’t doing so hot as a Catholic. Sure I had a good run there for a few years, honored my mother, kept a few commandments holy, gave up soda a few times for lent….but where did it get me? Cut by the Eagles and out of football. Where’s your messiah now, Moses?” Tebow asked a group of reporters.

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Patriots forced to release Donovan McNabb puking blooper reel

Philadelphia, PA – After ESPN released a massive, hard hitting story on Tuesday afternoon detailing the scope of the New England Patriots alleged efforts to cheat from 2000 to 2007, illegal videos taped by Patriots employees have started to surface as the investigation digs deeper.

Despite multiple fan and player accounts accusing the Patriots of stealing Eagles signals during the 2004 Super Bowl, no such videos or evidence have yet to surface.

However, a Kraft Productions video tape of the Eagles during the Super Bowl did surface yesterday and has brought the city down to its core.

Entitled, “Donovan McNabb Super Bowl Puke-a-Rama,” the two-and-a-half minute, professionally edited video shows new angles confirming the Eagles quarterback puking during the fourth quarter of the Eagles comeback attempt.

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Philadelphia Coalition of the Bald sues Phanatic for millions

Hilarious!

Philadelphia, PA – Citing years of abuse at the hands of the fuzzy Phillies mascot, the Philadelphia Coalition of the Bald has levied a $25 million lawsuit against the Philadelphia Phanatic.

“The Phanatic has tormented the bald for years with his scalp shining routine. Sure, it seems like it’s harmless fun, but his capering throughout the decades has caused untold damages to thousands of men who suffer from thinning hair,” said Thomas Graham, president of the Coalition.

“Two weeks ago he shined my scalp for what seemed like hours in front of thousands of fans at Citizens Bank Park. Would he ever make fun of someone’s weight? Sexuality? I don’t think so, but it’s appropriate to make fun of my disease? It’s ridiculous, outrageous and scandalous.”

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The Coggin Toboggan predicts Philadelphia sports all the way from Europe

I’m not from here! I have my own customs! Look at my crazy passport!

Please listen to the song after the page break at full blast while reading. Yes it is obligatory, do not read until you listen to this at least 10 times to get in the proper mood to read an article from an ignorant American who is tired of being in Europe.

We’ll wait.

The Coggin Toboggan has gone to Europe. Coming at you LIVE (not live) from Copenhagen, Denmark.

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Pete Mackanin Pros and Cons (updated)

After taking over for fired manager Ryne Sandberg, Pete Mackanin has had the Phillies playing some respectable ball since after the all star break.

The roster seems loose, it seems excited, and the current youth movement is serving the team well under Mackanin.

But little is still known about the interim manager. The Coggin has taken the time to analyze his moves, analyze some of his decisions, and analyze his fantastic choice of eyewear to deliver you this updated pros and cons list of his time as manager through 2015.

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