Temple Owls given keys to the city; Villanova Wildcats criticized for poor sportsmanship
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The epitome of class.

Philadelphia, PA – Mayor Jim Kenney and thousands upon thousands of Philadelphians welcomed the Temple Owls back to the city over the weekend, lauding the Owls for their stellar NCAA run.

Kenney presented head coach Fran Dunphy and each member of the Owls roster with a ceremonial key to the city. Kenney excused the team from having to pay income tax for the rest of their lives if they stayed in the city and assured them they would never have to pay for another drink as long as they lived.

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Mega-offer from Chip Kelly for Marcus Mariota much larger than reported

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Philadelphia, PA – A “mega-deal” offered by Chip Kelly one year ago to the Tennessee Titans for QB Marcus Mariota was actually far richer than is being reported by media outlets this morning.

According to NFL Insider Peter Schrager, the Eagles offered a 2015 2st round pick, a 2015 2nd round pick, a 2016 1st round pick and any of the team’s quarterbacks for Titans QB Marcus Mariota.

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Fran Dunphy has been chopping wood since 2 a.m.

fran-dunphyBrooklyn, NY – Several eyewitness reports have confirmed that Temple University Head Coach Fran Dunphy has been chopping wood in Central Park since 2 a.m.

Wielding a sparkling, double-edge axe passed down from his great grand pappy, the silent Dunphy has reportedly chopped down several conifers and a fully grown pine during the six hour marathon session.

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BREAKING NEWS: Somehow your bracket is already busted

ncaa-march-madnessYou woke up this morning at 8:20 a.m., all psyched to watch the games, but  the unfortunate news is that your NCAA tournament bracket, the one you spent hours researching and getting just right, has somehow already been busted.

You’re already mathematically eliminated from every pool you entered. Sorry about that.

The $25 per bracket you didn’t think twice about spending before the tournament started? It would have been better off being put in the bank, or donated to the homeless, or maybe put into a stock that would have paid out sweetly in 5 to 10 years. Maybe you would have gotten lucky and it would have supported your family for years to come. Guess you’ll never know now.

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Robert Durst’s NCAA March Madness predictions, slaughtering the competition since 1982
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Our NCAA specialist is back, baby!

Robert Durst, member of the famed Durst real estate family in New York City, is back to help us pick March Madness games in 2016. His resume was quite impressive, as he noted that he served as ESPN’s primary basketball handicapper for several years in the early 1980s and 2000s. 

Durst has run afoul of the law since last year, but he’s assured us that it is only a “misunderstanding” and he’ll soon be cleared of all charges. Franky, we can’t see why this affable and charming man has been jailed in the first place!

He’s assured us that he has had no prior run ins with the law before the difficulties last year. 

Typically charging an arm and a leg for his services, Durst has slashed his prices for the Toboggan and will be checking in before each round to give his unique take on the upcoming games.

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Fran Dunphy obviously giving motivational speech from Hoosiers

fran-dunphyPhiladelphia, PA – Just four days before their first round matchup against 7th seeded Iowa, Temple Owls head coach Fran Dunphy addressed his team after their practice Monday night and offered them several words about the upcoming NCAA tournament.

However, after several minutes it became quite obvious that Dunphy had taken 99% of the speech from the 1986 movie “Hoosiers” starring Gene Hackman.

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Villanova already in March Madness form

81bd7c9d1946838dad3efd90676f3b18Philadelphia, PA – After a disappointing Big East championship weekend, #2 seed Villanova looks to be in “vintage” form for the upcoming NCAA Championship tournament.

Steamrolling through the earlier rounds, the heavily favorited Villanova squad fell 69-67 in the Big East Championship round against Seton Hall.

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Joel Embiid, 76ers relying on controversial measures for his recovery

JoelPhiladelphia, PA – Two years ago Joel Embiid was rehabbing his foot injury with traditional methods. Lots of stretching, weight bearing at the beginning of the process, and then a gradual uptick in exercise and weight lifting.

As all 76ers fans know, this just didn’t work. Embiid was forced to undergo another surgery when his foot didn’t heal properly.

Perhaps needing another direction, the 76ers have embraced sports science and several controversial methods for their prize young center.

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Andy Reid caught tampering with rib eating contest
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He’s got to do a better job. 

Kansas City – Sources confirmed Wednesday afternoon that Kansas City Chiefs Head Coach Andy Reid would be fined $75,000 for tampering in pursuit of a coveted rib eating contest at Woodyard Bar-B-Q.

Representatives from the famous barbecue establishment said Coach Reid attempted to learn beforehand from a restaurant employee which sauces would be used for the 25th Annual “Rib Riot” contest.

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New Miami GM won’t let Byron Maxwell off ‘so easy’

082415_byron-maxwell_600Miami, FLA – The tortured screams of corner back Byron Maxwell, 28, rang through the Miami Dolphins training center this morning during his required physical to finalize a trade between the Dolphins and Philadelphia Eagles.

Miami Head Athletic trainer Ryan Grove notified the team’s new GM that Maxwell may not be healthy enough to warrant acquiring, as the young athlete could not lift his right arm as high as his shoulder during the physical examination.

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