Colangelo scratches Fultz off of draft list after WIP caller declares him a bust

Does Markelle Fultz lack the necessary “grit” and “toughness” to make it in this city?

A WIP caller known only as “Philly Mike” declared Washington point guard and potential 76ers draft target Markelle Fultz as a “complete bust in the making” this afternoon, which forced GM Bryan Colangelo to fervently rework his draft prospects for the upcoming draft.

Colangelo’s draft board was thrown into complete disarray after the 2-minute call into the 94 WIP Midday show, in which “Philly Mike” denounced Fultz’s ability to be “Philadelphia tough” and lacked the necessary grit to ever be a key contributor for the 76ers.

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Bryan Colangelo able to get out of serving in NBA draft lottery after his father pulls a few strings

20160505_colangelo_article2 Despite being eligible for attendance, Bryan Colangelo is shirking his GM duties after father Jerry Colangelo greased a few palms in the league front office to keep his son out of the NBA Draft Lottery.

Instead of being in attendance at the draft Tuesday night, Colangelo will serve in the NBA ticket sales office for two weekends a month for the next year.

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‘We can takes cues from 76ers on injured players,’ says Roseman after taking mallet to cornerback’s knee

102813-howie-roseman-600 After vigorously bashing recently selected cornerback Sidney Jones’s knee into a pulp with a croquet mallet, Howie Roseman held a press conference and assured the media that the Eagles were taking a cue from the 76ers medical staff on how to handle their injured prospects.

Jones, a highly regarded and talented cornerback, was selected by the Eagles in the 2nd round despite suffering a ruptured Achilles tendon at his pro-day workout.

“We can take a cue from the team across the street, and how they deal with injured players,” Roseman said, calmly washing the thick blood from his hands.

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Dave Hakstol excited to really dick around Nolan Patrick or Nico Hischier next season

051915_hakstol-dave_600 After the miraculous fall of the ping-pong balls that netted the Philadelphia Flyers the #2 overall draft pick in the 2017 NHL draft, Flyers head coach Dave Hakstol noted his excitement at having a top-notch prospect he could dick around for the entirety of the 2017-2018 season.

The Flyers will likely select either centers Nolan Patrick or Nico Hischier, two sublimely talented young forwards that Hakstol said would “most certainly” be scratched for 40 to 50 games next season in favor of far less talented forwards on the roster.

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Philadelphia fans somehow infiltrate Fenway Park, taunt Adam Jones with racial slurs

22595793-mmmain The Boston faithful were aghast Monday evening as throngs of boorish, malevolent and racist Philadelphia fans wearing Boston Red Sox jersey and Boston hats infiltrated the hallowed grounds of Fenway Park and hurled racial slurs and peanuts at Baltimore Oriole Adam Jones for the entirety of the game.

The Philadelphia fans – who evidently traveled hundreds of miles to Boston on a Monday evening for a meaningless Red Sox/Orioles match up in May – adopted perfect Boston accents for the game in an attempt to “blend in” with the home crowd, but were quickly exposed by the cordial Beantown residents.

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Philadelphia cheapskates rejoice as Fred Barnett jerseys miraculously given second life

NFL: 2017 NFL Draft Thousands of penny pinching cheapskates throughout Philadelphia rejoiced Thursday night after the Eagles announced Derek Barnett as their 14th pick in the 2017 NFL Draft.

The realization that several rolls of duct tape, a black magic marker and a steady hand could alter the Fred Barnett number 86 jersey into a Derek Barnett number 9 jersey pleased the city’s misers to no end.

“It’s a draft day miracle. My Fred Barnett jersey has risen again and will have a new life,” Angelo Maranaro of South Philadelphia said, celebrating the pick in a Chinese made Fletcher Cox knock-off jersey he purchased for $10 off ebay.

Maranaro then high-fived a friend clothed in a number 81 jersey that had the name of Terrell Owens crossed off in magic marker and replaced with Jason Avant.

The elation felt by the Philadelphia congregation of skinflints Thursday evening could only be potentially rivaled by the Eagles signing backup quarterback Colt McCoy and the athlete selecting to play in the number 25.

BREAKING: Maureen Crowley William rushes NFL draft stage, costs Eagles 1st Round Pick

MCW file photo (Credit: crossingbroad.com)

Just moments after the 2017 NFL draft went live on the air, ex-97.5 the Fanatic morning show producer Maureen Crowley Williams rushed NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, appearing live on-camera wearing a “Down with the Fanatic” t-shirt.

The ex-producer, better known as MCW, had not been heard or seen by the media since being let go by the sports talk radio station earlier this April.

As boos rained down from the crowd, the embattled ex-producer briefly grabbed onto Goodell before showing off her shirt, flashing the shocker sign to the camera, and being gang tackled by NFL security.

The frazzled Goodell took several moments to compose himself before making a crucial draft night announcement.

“The city of Philadelphia should be disgusted by this miscreant on stage tonight. For this embarrassment, I hereby decree the Eagles forfeit their first round pick. May god have mercy on your soul,” he said to the restrained MCW.

At press time, MCW had been tarred, feathered, and run out of town.

BREAKING: Laid-off ESPN reporters have laid siege to NFL draft set in Philadelphia

Jayson Stark, in happier times.

According to reports from employees who were on set and now trapped in the NFL Draft Theater at the Philadelphia Art Museum, nearly 100 laid-off ESPN employees forcibly took over the draft stage scheduled for use tonight and have threatened to cut off a digit of Trey Wingo for every hour their demands are not met.

Apparent ring leader Jayson Stark, who was fired yesterday afternoon by ESPN after nearly 17 years of employment, led 25 laid off employees through the Philadelphia sewers, circumventing the heavy security and taking the draft stage employees completely by surprise.

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Embarrassed Rob Ellis ejaculates before he can predict week 5 of Eagles 2017-2018 schedule

rob-ellis Moments after predicting an Eagles victory of the San Diego in week four to improve their record to 4-0 on the year, 97.5 Fanatic Midday show host Rob Ellis stiffened his hips and then groaned erotically on-air before he could begin delving into the week 5 match-up against the Arizona Cardinals.

For several minutes after, listeners were treated to Ellis’s deep, contended breathing and nothing more.

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The Coggin Toboggan 420 office party devolved into crystal meth usage so quickly

grateful-dead-002

As the CEO of a multi-billion dollar company, I know my employees deserve a break every now and again. Hell, when I started the Coggin Toboggan three years ago, we were all about fun! Now, it seems as if our bottom line is nothing more than the dollars we put in our coffers at the end of each fiscal year. We sometimes forget that the real lifeblood of this company is our employees, so I thought today would be a perfect day to celebrate their hard work and let them know they’re appreciated.

I’m hip, I’m with it. It’s 420, right? When employees got here this morning the crunchy grooves of the Grateful Dead and Phish were flowing through the company PA speakers, freshly rolled joints were scattered in bowls throughout the break rooms, and the vibe was just chill.

Well you know what, gang? Never again.

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