BREAKING NEWS

Philadelphia Coalition of the Bald sues Phanatic for millions

Hilarious!

Philadelphia, PA – Citing years of abuse at the hands of the fuzzy Phillies mascot, the Philadelphia Coalition of the Bald has levied a $25 million lawsuit against the Philadelphia Phanatic.

“The Phanatic has tormented the bald for years with his scalp shining routine. Sure, it seems like it’s harmless fun, but his capering throughout the decades has caused untold damages to thousands of men who suffer from thinning hair,” said Thomas Graham, president of the Coalition.

“Two weeks ago he shined my scalp for what seemed like hours in front of thousands of fans at Citizens Bank Park. Would he ever make fun of someone’s weight? Sexuality? I don’t think so, but it’s appropriate to make fun of my disease? It’s ridiculous, outrageous and scandalous.”

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The Coggin Toboggan predicts Philadelphia sports all the way from Europe

I’m not from here! I have my own customs! Look at my crazy passport!

Please listen to the song after the page break at full blast while reading. Yes it is obligatory, do not read until you listen to this at least 10 times to get in the proper mood to read an article from an ignorant American who is tired of being in Europe.

We’ll wait.

The Coggin Toboggan has gone to Europe. Coming at you LIVE (not live) from Copenhagen, Denmark.

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Pete Mackanin Pros and Cons (updated)

After taking over for fired manager Ryne Sandberg, Pete Mackanin has had the Phillies playing some respectable ball since after the all star break.

The roster seems loose, it seems excited, and the current youth movement is serving the team well under Mackanin.

But little is still known about the interim manager. The Coggin has taken the time to analyze his moves, analyze some of his decisions, and analyze his fantastic choice of eyewear to deliver you this updated pros and cons list of his time as manager through 2015.

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Phillies to hand out bats, give bunting lessons to every fan to increase safety

Philadelphia, PA – Citing a need for more safety at Citizens Bank Park, Phillies representatives announced a plan early this morning to hopefully reduce rates of fans being injured by foul balls struck into the stands.

Current President Pat Gillick said ushers would pass out official major league baseball bats to every single fan in attendance and give detailed, personal bunting instructions to fans before allowing them to take their seats.

“We feel that with increased attention at games and these baseball bats, we’ll see a remarkable decrease in injuries in the stands. With a well placed bunt of a struck ball, we know this will cut down on incidents at the ball park,” Gillick said.

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Crazy Tolly’s Super Bowl blow out announced today

……not crazy.

Hey folks! It’s me! Crazy Tolly and I’ve got a HELL of an announcement for you folks! Did you see our beloved Eagles destroy the Packers on Saturday night? I wasn’t able to see it, but I did hear updates from the TV in the warden’s office from my cell block, but let me tell you they sounded FABULOUS in victory!

I’m haunted by the winds of my ancestors and the screams of the land at every moment. They don’t let me sleep, I tell you, they don’t let me sleep!

Well I’m announcing the first ever Crazy Tolly’s Super Bowl Blow Out!

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RGIII on injury: ‘I do not have a concussion, and does anyone else hear a loud buzzing?”

Washington, DC – Speaking to the media yesterday for the first time since suffering an undisclosed injury against the Detroit Lions last week, RGIII emphatically declared he did not suffer a concussion after being hit several times and kindly asked reporters to turn off whatever machine was making that high pitching buzzing noise.

“Look, my brain is fine, it really is. Did it just get really dark in here? Man, someone turn on a light,” He said, his pupils fully dilated despite being in a well lit, bright room.

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BREAKING: Records show Andy Reid on leaked Ashley Madison list

Notable names keep popping up in the wake of the hacked Ashley Madison client list, but perhaps no name is as notable for Philadelphia sports fans as Andy Reid, who was shown to have used the site between 2003 and 2005.

Reid, coach of the Eagles from 1999-2012, was shown to have actively used the site to meet several women in the tri-state area. Reid, now a coach with the Kansas City Chiefs, declined to speak with Coggin Toboggan reporters who asked him for a comment.

Data shows Reid used the site actively during his three-year subscription and spoke with several women but never met with any.

The first, Amy Johnson, 46, of Malvern, was a wedded mother of two children who worked with Tastykake from 1988 to the present.

The Coggin Toboggan procured the 2003 Ashley Madison transcripts from the illicit couple’s first discussion.

WARNING. The following is most definitely an adult discussion and should not be viewed by children under the age of 18.

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Michael Vick thrilled to not be the most detested quarterback on roster

Pittsburgh, PA – Minutes after signing a one-year deal with the Pittsburgh Steelers, Michael Vick pointed a finger skyward and thanked God he could finally blend into the roster and not be the most hated member of a professional football organization.

Vick, of course, pled guilty in 2007 for his role in the Bad Newz Kennels dog fighting scandal. The kennel had over 70 dogs seized in a massive search of Vick’s sprawling estate by local, state and federal authorities.

Vick was given a second chance in the league when signed by the Philadelphia Eagles in 2009. Protestors and critics followed Vick to New York City for his stint with the Jets, lambasting the organizations for signing the controversial figure.

All of that was whisked away when he signed a one-year deal Tuesday afternoon with the Pittsburgh Steelers.

ESPN NFL analyst John Clayton said the signing “is great for Michael Vick, but I’m not so sure what the Steelers are getting out of this.”

“Basically, let me put it this way. If you’re Pol Pot quarterbacking a football team, you’re going to be hated by just about everyone. However, if Pol Pot gets traded to a football team quarterbacked by Hitler, well then hey, Pol Pot’s not such a bad guy all of a sudden.”

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Higher power responsible for Miles Austin’s concussion finally revealed after weeks of speculation

Philadelphia, PA – In a stunning turn of events, WWE Chairman and Owner Vince McMahon delivered a shocking message to Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver Miles Austin, who has been sidelined with a concussion for the past three weeks.

McMahon finally revealed that it was him, it was him all along, the higher power who gave the oft-injured receiver his latest concussion.

The dastardly McMahon revealed the truth at last night’s Monday Night Raw. The jarring video was caught on tape. WARNING, the contents are disturbing.

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Phillies fan keeping score during game reportedly ‘way too into it’

Miami, Florida – Sources at Marlins Park yesterday confirmed a Phillies fan in attendance kept score throughout the entire nine innings of the Phillies 2-0 victory and was “way to fucking into it.”

“At first I thought he was a scout or something, but he was wearing a Matt Stairs jersey and an old Mike Schmidt hat, so I knew he was just a fan. It looked like he was keeping score in an old leather bound book filled with old score cards. What do you think he does with those things?” Miami resident and Philadelphia transplant Ryan Jenkinson said from the stadium.

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