Happy New Year from The Coggin Toboggan! I’m sure many of you are in my shoes now…hungover, pantsless, wondering where you can score some heroin…it’s a great way to start 2016!
So while you’re recovering and hoping that the blood on the hood of your car is just a dog, take a few and revisit some of our funniest articles from 2016.
Philadelphia, PA – A stiff and sweaty Howie Roseman has successfully gotten his office chair up to the fourth floor at Lincoln Financial Field, after being told by owner Jeffrey Lurie that he would again be involved in player development following the termination of head coach Chip Kelly.
Sources have confirmed Roseman began the journey around 10:30 a.m. this morning, slowly rolling the chair up the long ramps of the deserted stadium, stopping numerous times to wipe sweat from his pasty brow.
Philadelphia, PA – Perhaps frustrated at being stymied for a comment by Chip Kelly’s girlfriend at their Haddonfield home, Les Bowen is currently sitting inside a stiflingly hot and stuffy wooden crate that is en route to Kelly’s house.
The veteran reporter was denied entrance into Kelly’s home last night and could not get a comment from the recently fired head coach.
A fuming Bowen reportedly came up with the ill-advised scheme early this morning after downing a fifth of Jim Bean. He forced his Daily News co-workers to stuff him inside the crate and have it immediately shipped to Kelly’s home.
Several co-workers balked at Bowen’s request to be “greased up” before squeezing into the crate.
What a prankster!
Philadelphia, PA – Following the bombshell tonight that Eagles Head Coach Chip Kelly had been fired, rumors are slowly trickling in that make the personnel decision more clear.
To perhaps stem the rumor mill, Eagles Owner Jeffrey Lurie had confirmed reports that Kelly was fired for making several harassing and patently unoriginal prank phone calls to Lurie in the past two weeks.
The Coggin Toboggan has acquired a copy of Tony Wroten’s letter to Santa Claus, which the recently cut point-guard allegedly mailed to Santa in early December.
It looks as if Jolly Old Saint Nick answered Tony’s Christmas wish.
Children around the world have taken delight in the knowledge that this letter PROVES beyond a shadow of a doubt that Santa Claus does exist.
The brief letter is after the jump:
Philadelphia, PA – As both teams are out of contention for the playoffs and no unnecessary injuries are needed in the final game of the season, head coaches Chip Kelly and Tom Coughlin agreed to play under “rough touch” rules.
No tackling to the ground will be allowed for the final, utterly pointless game between the two horrendously underachieving teams.
Well it’s Christmas. While most of you are opening presents around the tree and roasting chestnuts on an open fire, take a minute to think about those of us who may not have chestnuts and have taken to eating wet walnuts under a bridge in South Jersey somewhere.
Yes it’s Christmas, and that means I’m much too lazy to actually write something of substance. If you’re like me, right about now you’re arguing with family members about wrongs of Christmas past and you’re ready to throw ALL of the presents you’ve bought into a local reservoir to show them you really mean business.
Philadelphia, PA – As a result of several Carolina Panthers menacingly wielding a bat toward New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. this past weekend, the NFL has banned all accessories and non-essential items during pre-game warmups.
The ban has negatively affected several member of the Eagles. Sam Bradford, for one, typically walked out onto the field during warmups using a pair of crutches.
A rare sight, DeMarco Murray with his helmet on and holding a football.
Philadelphia, PA – DeMarco Murray heard from the NFL front office Tuesday morning and learned he will receive a one game suspension for his horrendous inactions during Sunday night’s blowout loss against the Cardinals.
The league suspended Murray for his “egregious disregard to playing the game of football” and for multiple “deep shoulder shrugs” and “eye rolls” directed towards the heavens.
At this time every year, when I should be making my list and checking it twice, my Twitter and Facebook accounts blow up for about three weeks leading up to the big day. And do you know what most of my mentions are? Do you know what most of the “clever” comments I receive are about?
You guessed it…it’s always about Philadelphia booing Santa Claus.
Even during the Sunday night Eagles/Cardinals game, my good friend Cris Collinsworth alluded to an incident that happened decades ago, even though I specifically asked him to not bring it up on air.
The Coggin Toboggan 