BREAKING NEWS

Panicked Eagles front office reps can’t stop Sam Bradford from dragging himself to unsigned contract
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Sam Bradford file photo.

Philadelphia, PA – Horrified Eagles front office representatives could only look on helplessly as a crippled but determined Sam Bradford dragged himself across the floor of a conference room to his unsigned contract Tuesday afternoon at a  signing event that went disturbingly wrong.

According to sources the meeting began well, as Bradford came to the signing with his agent, Tom Condon. Handshakes and pleasantries were exchanged, but young athlete started to act strangely after just five minutes of his arrival.

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Former Eagles QB Bobby Hoying speaks out on re-signing Sam Bradford
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Ol’ Bobby Hoying knows how to have a hell of a night out on the town. 

Philadelphia, PA – Last seen over a year ago after he welched on a $10,000 bet at the 2015 Wing Bowl, former Eagles quarterback Bobby Hoying made an unscheduled appearance on Philly Sports Talk Live and denounced the possibility of the Eagles re-signing that “pantywaist.”

Hoying barged onto the set during the 5:30 p.m. hour on Monday afternoon, demanding to speak on air about that “big old pussy” Sam Bradford. Hoying made Marcus Hayes give up his seat so he could sit next to host Michael Barkann, forcing him to sit on the floor for the remainder of the 10 minute segment.

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Is it too late to get in on the NFL Combine?

NFL-scouting-combine-01-15-15I’m 34. I’ve had one knee surgery already. I’m not getting any younger.

So it only makes sense that this is the year I officially declare my eligibility for the NFL Scouting Combine.

Every year it’s the same thing. Late February comes around and my cell phone blows up with calls from NFL front office representatives. They all want to know one thing:

“When are you going to make our dreams come true and decide to play in the NFL? Please let us know so we can send scouts, we beg of you.”

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Where I apply to be the next head coach for the University of Wisconsin

2000px-university_of_wisconsin_waving_w-svgToday, the University of Wisconsin published a job opening on its school website advertising for a new head coach of the university’s men’s basketball team.

Bo Ryan, longtime coach, announced his retirement earlier this season. I’ve had my eye on the job opening for a while now, but the university never made its search official.

Until today.

Now, I’ve always wanted to dabble in coaching a Division I NCAA basketball team. How hard can it be? Organize a few layup drills, see if everyone can make a left-handed layup, teach them my famous crab defense…100% guarantee I can take this program to a minimum of nine Final Fours in the next 10 years.

I play basketball every Thursday night with a number of skilled athletes, many of whom are under the age of 70. Don’t let their age fool you, though, they’re crafty and only one has dropped dead on the court in my entire time playing in the pickup game.

Previously I played ORGANIZED basketball in a highly competitive South Jersey youth league during my younger years. Do you think just anybody can hack it on those mean courts of South Jersey? Some of those hoops didn’t even have NETS on them, can you even picture that?

Here’s the posting.

I think I should go through this and see if I’m qualified for the job. I obviously am, but you don’t go into a job interview with a cocky mindset.

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Confused NFL prospect Christian Hackenberg only asked questions about Gods of Egypt at combine
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Gods of Egypt fan #1.

Indianapolis, Indiana – Penn State quarterback and NFL prospect hopeful Christian Hackenberg expressed extraordinary confusion at the conclusion of the combine interview, as the 21-year-old athlete said he was only asked questions about the major motion picture “Gods of Egypt,” which opened nationwide today.

The Penn State product could only shake his head as he readied himself for the rest of the weekend, hoping the movie would not come up  again.

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DeMeco Ryans classily keys thank you note into side of Howie Roseman’s car
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A real class act.

Philadelphia, PA – A class act until the end, Eagles defensive leader DeMeco Ryans keyed a long and thankful note into Executive Vice President of Football Operations Howie Roseman’s car after he learned of his release from the team Wednesday afternoon.

The thre paragraph note was crudely scratched into the side of Roseman’s 2015 BMW 320i xDrive, which has an MSRP of $35,000, thanking the organization for the past four seasons.

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Ryan Howard figures 1 more year of stealing sunflower seeds, Bazooka Joe should just about do it
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Coming to grips with the end of a career filled with success, stealing items from the Phillies.

Clearwater, Fla – Coming to grips with reality that his best years are behind him, Phillies first baseman Ryan Howard expressed his tremendous gratitude to the Phillies for allowing him another season in the sun and an opportunity to hoard barrels of free sunflower seeds and Bazooka Joe gum.

The 11-year veteran had a smile on his face as he participated in a spirited round of pepper with his teammates, the sun on his face, and a cheek filled to the brim with Ranch flavored sunflower seeds.

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Ruben Amaro Jr. grateful for chance to be despised by entirely new fan base
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The new Red Sox first base coach is already looking to make a mark in the city.

Boston, Mass  – Speaking to media during his first spring training with the Boston Red Sox, new first base coach and former Phillies GM Ruben Amaro Jr. expressed excitement at a new start with a new franchise.

Amaro Jr. said he was most excited to have the opportunity to “fail miserably” and “have a whole new fan base despise me for an entirely new reason.”

“I’m grateful for this opportunity to alienate myself and have the good people of Boston absolutely come to hate me in the next several year. It should be a wild ride,” Amaro Jr. said, picking up a foul ball and whipping it towards David Ortiz, whose back was turned to the interview.

The Red Sox announced Ortiz would miss the first three months of the season with a concussion.

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Report: Boston Celtics asked “moon and the stars” for Jahlil Okafor

lee_ainge2_sptsPhiladelphia, PA – Boston Celtics president Danny Ainge confirmed over the weekend that he participated in discussions with 76ers GM Sam Hinkie that would have brought Jahlil Okafor to Boston.

Ainge, however, said the 76ers asked for the “moon and the stars” in return for the young, promising center.

“They wanted no draft picks, no players, Sam asked for something much different. All Sam asked in return for Jahlil was a poem that he said ‘would fill his cold heart with the human spirit’ and make him feel the ‘warmth of the human spirit’ in a harsh world,” Ainge said.

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John Smallwood blames trade deadline failure on those damned millennials

6a0120a6dde087970b0148c8734ba6970c-800wiPhiladelphia, PA – Daily News columnist and reporter John Smallwood continued his tirade against young whippersnappers today when he placed the blame for the inactivity of the 76ers front office at the NBA trade deadline squarely at the feet of “those damned millennials” in this city.

“God damn millennials ruining sports in this town. All they care about is smoking that reefer and playing with their X-Stations and Play Boxes, they’re to blame for the state of my beloved 76ers. Why would the franchise do anything if these kids don’t care about wins and losses? I’d give my soul to go back to the days when the Sixers were a 7th or 8th seed each season and lost 4-1 to the Heat each year. Now THAT was basketball.”

“Sure they always lost and were lost in a stagnant quagmire with no hopes of improvement, but let me tell you that one win each playoff series when Lebron James was focusing on the next round was SWEET. IT WAS SWEET. It’s not always about championships, they respected the game. You have to learn to love the journey, not the destination.”

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