The man, the myth, the legend…Jeremy Hellickson.
Philadelphia, PA -Omar Daal, Kevin Millwood, Robert Person, Andy Ashby, some guy named Sid Fernandez.
Now, Jeremy Hellickson can add his own name to that vaunted list of elite Philadelphia athletes.
The Philadelphia Phillies made it official, naming Hellickson as its opening day starter for the 2016 season.
Coming to grips with the end of a career filled with success, stealing items from the Phillies.
Clearwater, Fla – Coming to grips with reality that his best years are behind him, Phillies first baseman Ryan Howard expressed his tremendous gratitude to the Phillies for allowing him another season in the sun and an opportunity to hoard barrels of free sunflower seeds and Bazooka Joe gum.
The 11-year veteran had a smile on his face as he participated in a spirited round of pepper with his teammates, the sun on his face, and a cheek filled to the brim with Ranch flavored sunflower seeds.
The new Red Sox first base coach is already looking to make a mark in the city.
Boston, Mass – Speaking to media during his first spring training with the Boston Red Sox, new first base coach and former Phillies GM Ruben Amaro Jr. expressed excitement at a new start with a new franchise.
Amaro Jr. said he was most excited to have the opportunity to “fail miserably” and “have a whole new fan base despise me for an entirely new reason.”
“I’m grateful for this opportunity to alienate myself and have the good people of Boston absolutely come to hate me in the next several year. It should be a wild ride,” Amaro Jr. said, picking up a foul ball and whipping it towards David Ortiz, whose back was turned to the interview.
The Red Sox announced Ortiz would miss the first three months of the season with a concussion.
A real calamad.
Philadelphia, PA – The Phillies announced a deal this morning with 19-year-old Italian professional baseball player Leonardo Colagrossi, a move any kookalamanza would approve of, capiche?
Colagrossi, described as a “real meatball” by a member of the Phillies scouting team, reportedly kissed his momma on the cheek after hearing the news and immediately bought $25,000 worth of gold chains to celebrate and a pink Chevy Chevelle.
He then reportedly watched The Godfather part I and II several times in a row and had a hearty lunch of bread and olive oil.
I would say we are, yes.
2015 is the worst year I can remember experiencing in this city. The Phillies lose close to 100 games, the Eagles miss out on the playoffs with one of the most HATEABLE rosters in franchise history, the 76ers are historically terrible, and the Flyers are far and away the only bright spot in the city and they’re three games over .500.
It has not been a great year for sports in this city.
Well it’s Christmas. While most of you are opening presents around the tree and roasting chestnuts on an open fire, take a minute to think about those of us who may not have chestnuts and have taken to eating wet walnuts under a bridge in South Jersey somewhere.
Yes it’s Christmas, and that means I’m much too lazy to actually write something of substance. If you’re like me, right about now you’re arguing with family members about wrongs of Christmas past and you’re ready to throw ALL of the presents you’ve bought into a local reservoir to show them you really mean business.
Nerd.
Philadelphia, PA – Matt Klentak, new GM for the Philadelphia Phillies, made his first official move Monday afternoon as he announced the hiring of Jon Runyan to serve as his personal assistant and escort.
Runyan, a former member of Congress and offensive lineman for the Philadelphia Eagles, will step into the position immediately.
Several baseball analysts questioned the move as “puzzling,” but pointed to the hire as potentially mirroring the plot of the early 1980s high school movie “My Bodyguard,” starring Matt Dillon and Adam Baldwin.
Woah, that’s heavy.
Philadelphia, PA – Mayor Michael Nutter and the Philadelphia City Council unanimously passed a measure this morning during an emergency council meeting to earmark $1.21 million of the city’s budget to the development of a time travel machine.
The city government passed the measure on Back to the Future Day, the day Doc Brown and Marty McFly traveled to in “Back to the Future Part II” when they used their time traveling DeLorean to go into the future.
“It’s no coincidence we did this on Back to the Future Day. If you recall, Doc Brown and Marty McFly used their time machine throughout the series of movies to right the wrongs of the past and improve their current time period. We hope to do the same in Philadelphia, namely by traveling back to Thursday, June 26, 2014 and stopping Sam Hinkie from ever drafting that complete stiff Joel Embiid. It’s just one of the events we plan on changing when we finally develop a super-cool time traveling machine,” Mayor Michael Nutter declared during a mid-afternoon press conference.
The city hopes to develop a sleek time travel machine made out of a “super awesome Corvette” or “bitching dune buggy,” Nutter revealed Wednesday.
Members of the Blue Jays pleading with Philadelphia fans to stop their barrage of beer bottles.
Toronto, Canada – ESPN Sportscenter anchors reported today that several thousand Philadelphia fans hurled beer cans and debris onto the Rogers Centre field during the 7th inning of the Blue Jays and Rangers game Wednesday evening after the Rangers took a 3-2 league.
Scott Van Pelt, anchoring the 8 a.m. Sportscenter, said between “5,000 and 6,000 unruly Philadelphia fans” rained beer bottles onto the lower rim of the stadium in a despicable display that is so common of Philadelphia sports fans and never happens anywhere outside of Philadelphia.
“Perhaps the worst example came when an obvious Philadelphian hurled a beer can filled with batteries from the top deck, striking a newborn in the head. Only in Philadelphia, folks, just horrible,” Van Pelt said, sneering into the camera.
Philadelphia, PA – Bob Lamonte, famed agent known for molding former executives into possible NFL coaches and MLB managers, revealed to the Coggin Toboggan today he had no idea Ruben Amaro Jr. was fostering ideas of becoming the manager of a professional baseball team.
Lamonte ended his professional relationship with Amaro Jr. after learning the former Phillies GM was “actually thinking about shaping the hearts and minds of professional ballplayers on a daily basis.”
The Coggin Toboggan 