Phillies

Zack Hample descends on Citizens Bank Park…..ughhhhhhhhh
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Yuck.

Zack Hample, the annoying ball hawk that has long overstayed his welcome in the public eye, wrote a post on his blog in 2013 about a trip he took to Citizens Bank Park for an August match-up between the Phillies and the Braves.

He describes then Braves closer Craig Kimbrel actively encouraging his fellow bullpen mates to not throw the needy Hample a ball.

Craig Kimbrel, I salute you.

Enough with Zack Hample. You’re nearly 40-years-old and still running around baseball stadiums with a glove, trampling fans to catch foul balls and home runs…it’s over. Your ten minutes of fame is finished.

I’d rather listen to a complete stranger talk to me about their fantasy football losses than listen to someone go on and on and on about how they catch foul balls at baseball games.

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CHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (Headline continued in story)
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You were the best, Chooch.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCH. Ahh that felt great. One last Chooooch before the beloved Phillies catcher and second to last vestige from the 2008 Phillies World Series team arrives in sunny Los Angeles to reunite with Chase Utley.

Unlike all those dogs that disappeared from my home when I was a kid, Chooch really is going to a better place with wide open spaces where he can dance and prance for the rest of his days.

One last postseason run for the man who hit the shortest World Series game winning hit I’ve ever seen.

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Tim Tebow’s new agent ‘100% guarantees’ he signs a major league deal after showcase
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Tim Tebow is crediting his newfound success to a change in management.

Los Angeles, Calif. – The new agent for ex-NFL quarterback Tim Tebow made a bold proclamation this morning, guaranteeing the athlete would be signing a major league deal with one of the 20 teams, scheduled to attend his showcase.

B.L. ZeBub, head representative of the Inferno Talent Agency, guaranteed his newest client would greatly impress at the Aug. 30 showcase and be signing with one of the 20 teams in attendance, including the Phillies, before the season is completed.

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Mike Missanelli hospitalized after watching Chase Utley receive two curtain calls
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Thoughts and prayers to Mike Missanelli.

Philadelphia, PA – Afternoon sports talk host Mike Missanelli is clinging to life at Thomas Jefferson University Hospital today after being admitted for a “massive event,” which doctors are theorizing came as a result from watching Chase Utley receive not one, but two curtain calls in his return to Philadelphia.

Lead cardiac surgeon Ronald JcMickon told Coggin reporters that Missanelli was stable, but it was “touch and go” for many hours after he was transported to the hospital.

Sources confirmed Missanelli was clutching a Sopranos season three box set on his hands when he arrived at Jefferson Hospital and was attempting to pray to it like an old Jesuit woman clutching a Rosary.

“From what we gather, Mr. Missanelli had a major reaction to tonight’s Phillies game. He seemed to take great disdain in Philadelphia fans experiencing a moment of joy for a returning Chase Utley and deemed it inappropriate that he received several curtain calls throughout the game. He’s currently in a coma and we’re not sure if he’ll ever walk again,” JcMickon said.

“He seemed to really be in pain after watching so many others experience such a joyful moment. I don’t get it, personally. How could you not enjoy that moment? Utley gave this city so many great moments of the years….it’s only right and appropriate to praise him on his return. I guess Mr. Missanelli just didn’t see it that way.”

A hospital employee provided the Coggin with a copy of the security tape from last night at 11:35 p.m. The following is a transcript of his interaction with the admitting doctor. Warning….it is disturbing:

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Exclusive: Chase Utley takes out ad for fans upon return to Philadelphia
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::sighs:: What a dreamboat.

Chase Utley makes his triumphant return to Citizen’s Bank Park tonight for the first time since being traded to the Los Angeles Dodgers last year.

The beloved second baseman hasn’t forgotten his roots in Philadelphia while playing out the remaining years of his career in sunny LA, so the hard-nosed athlete reportedly took out an advertisement that will appear in all evening editions of the local newspapers thanking the fans upon his return.

Don’t ask how, but we were able to procure a copy of Utley’s ad BEFORE it is to be printed in the papers. We had to do…well…things we’re frankly not proud of. Probably won’t be able to look into a mirror for a long time after this one and I know, personally, that I won’t be able to meet the eyes of my wife or son for many days….but it’s all worth it to get the scoop of the baseball season!

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Curt Schilling vetting Jonathan Papelbon for vice president run
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Just a good ol’ boy.

Parts Unknown – From deep within a subterranean bunker he built with his remaining video game money, former Phillies pitcher and presidential hopeful Curt Schilling sent out initial feelers this week to determine if Jonathan Papelbon would be an appropriate vice president choice for his 2024 ticket.

Schilling, who announced he would make a run at the presidency in 2024, sent out his most trusted political advisor, Jaxson “J-Bug” Jordan, to gauge the free agent’s interest in joining his powerhouse political ticket.

Schilling, an avid and vocal republican, took a few moments from posting his latest “Killary Klinton” meme to his Twitter account to discuss his upcoming run for president.

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Chase Utley really fucks the Phillies the right way
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The man.

Los Angeles, Calif. – Chase Utley, a man of few words who lets his actions do the talking, really fucked the Phillies the right way last night in front of thousands of Dodgers fans and Phillies fans on television.

Not known for his flashy style, the gritty second baseman lashed a home run to right field in his first game against his old team. While it may have been tempting to flaunt his success and rub his good fortune in the face of the franchise that traded him away, Utley simply kept his head down while he fucked the Phillies long and deep.

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Ejected Phillies fan ejected for ‘no reason,’ according to ejected Phillies fan
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Unruly fan being tossed from the Phillies game. (via ESPN.com)

Philadelphia, PA – A heckling Phillies fan was ejected last night during a contest against the San Francisco Giants by home plate umpire Bob Davidson for “absolutely no reason,” according to the ejected fan this morning.

Only in Philadelphia!

Davidson stopped the crowd in the sixth inning and ejected a fan after his taunts became sexual in nature and wouldn’t stop.

The fan, who reportedly lives in Delco and goes only by the name “Bug,” said Davidson tossed him despite “doing a whole lot of nothing” and “cracking everybody up” in his section.

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MLB general managers report Matt Klentak was not available at trade deadline
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Netflix enthusiast and Phillies GM Matt Klentak.

Philadelphia, PA – The Phillies were expected by many to make several deals at yesterday’s trade deadline, as the young organization was rife with players that could have helped teams down the stretch into the playoffs.

Instead, the Phillies stood pat and didn’t trade a single player.

However, several Major League Baseball general managers are reporting today that Matt Klentak, the Phillies general manager, did not make himself available to phone calls all day Monday due to a “prior pressing engagement.”

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You’ll get nothing today AND LIKE IT

giphy-facebook_sOh boy. Perhaps drinking until the wee hours of the morning on a Sunday night at a wedding was not the smartest thing in the world to do. Hungover? You bet. Tired? Barely keeping my eyes open at work.

I’ll never drink again (until next Saturday, when we have to go to another wedding).

So yes, MAYBE it was a tactical error to do this when I’m 33 and have a four-month-old kid. Maybe. I won’t commit to this idea, but it seems at least plausible.

I probably just have the stomach flu. Yeah, YEAH that’s it! I’M BACK BABY!

::pukes::

So nothing today for you, dear readers. Please do me a favor and read quietly, as I’ll be slightly dozing at my desk with my eyes open for the rest of the day (learned it in the jungles of Danang, where the enemy never slept).

So go read the Liberty Bell piece we published last week. Probably the best story we’ve ever done.

Enjoy, jerkwads.

The Veterans Stadium Liberty Bell lives on at a South Philadelphia food distributor