Philadelphia

Chris Christie’s WFAN show audition prep sheet leaked to Coggin Toboggan

08-chris-christie-2Gov. Chris Christie is taking time off from his busy summer schedule of closing state parks and impersonating a beached whale to officially audition next week for a sports talk show on Sports Radio 66 WFAN in New York City.

Christie, an avid sports talk fan, will fill-in for longtime WFAN host Mike Francesa on Monday and Tuesday next week from 2 to 6:30 p.m. alongside Evan Roberts. Christie has mentioned he would like to transition into a sports talk role after his term as New Jersey Governor comes to a close.

The Coggin Toboggan has obtained a copy of Christie’s prep sheet for Monday’s debut show. A prep sheet gives a rough outline of what a host has planned for the day’s show.

What do you think of his proposed show? Take a look after the jump.

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Twitter recap: Markelle Fultz is the best….and the worst

DEBVBk2XgAEgwraTwo games in, just two games in to Markelle Fultz’s professional basketball career (if you can call the NBA Summer League a “Professional League.” Anyone who isn’t a rookie playing in these games will be exiled back to their home countries in shipping containers and never heard from again…or Dante Exum, for some reason) and Twitter already has some STRONG opinions on his play.

Nevermind that he’s played less than a games worth of minutes so far in his career. We’re coming off the Fourth of July, so it’s our AMERICAN RIGHT to declare Fultz a savior of Philadelphia or a complete bust already. I wouldn’t have it any other way. You think they’re doing this up in Canada? I don’t think so….USA USA USA USA USA ::Hacksaw Jim Duggan thumbs up::

But, for fun, let’s analyze some tweets from fans and “professional analysts” who already have some STRONG opinions on Fultz’s game.

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So, you’re a multi-millionaire athlete and you’ve blown your fingers off on the 4th of July

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Well now you’ve gone and done it. Just signed that multi-year, multi-million dollar contract for the hometown team, ready to score a few touchdowns and sink a few buzzer beaters for the big squad, but you had a few too many pops and held an M-80 for just a half-a-second too long and now you’re writhing around the beer soaked ground with a few less fingers.

Contract gone, millions lost, right? WRONG! The Coggin Toboggan PR firm is here to help you reclaim your dignity, reclaim your goodwill with the fans, and resurrect your dwindling chances at ever playing another sport again.

Sweep up those mangled sausages, stop crying and take these steps from the Coggin Toboggan to save your career:

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76ers are falling for an obvious Furkan Korkmaz email scam
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You have to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on us, Furkan.

The 76ers are getting scammed by an overseas huckster.

It’s right in front of their faces. It’s right in front of the face of anyone getting excited over the idea of a foreign savior coming overseas and playing for the 76ers.

Let me explain.

You get emails in your junk folder everyday, right? Poorly written messages from an unknown, overseas foreigner reaching out to you to let you know that a long lost relative of yours has passed away in Burkina Fasso and has left you MILLIONS of dollars in their will! HOLY SHIT! All you need to do is send a few thousand dollars to an address by Western Union to pay for the processing fee for such a large sum of money to be transferred to you and the millions are yours.

Eagerly you send the money…what luck! Hours pass…days pass…months pass…and you never hear from the beneficiary again. You were scammed and you were scammed good. Greed got the best of you.

Sounds familiar with this Furkan Korkmaz business, doesn’t it?

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What asinine questions will Rob Ellis and Harry Mayes ask LaVar Ball? A gambler’s guide

ellisandmayesheadshot2hero1Harry Mayes and Rob Ellis announced today on Twitter that LaVar Ball, father of NBA rookie Lonzo Ball, would be joining their show in the afternoon for what will NO DOUBT be a groundbreaking interview that won’t have listeners turning off their radios across the Delaware Valley at record setting paces.

Day late and a dollar short, fellas. I’m sure a producer burst into Rob Ellis’s office this morning, too frazzled to speak clearly, to tell hi about his big “get.”

Producer: “Mr. Ellis…I….I…..oh god, give me a second.”

Ellis: “This had better be good, god damnit, to interrupt me during my personal reflection period.” (puts down an old Breakfast on Broad script, wipes the tears away from his cheeks)

Producer: “I just got off the phone with LaVar Ball’s people. Yes, THE LaVar Ball. He can do the show.”

Ellis: “The annoying has been father that has worn out his 15 minutes of fame with every media outlet across the country?”

Producer: “The very one.”

Ellis (looks up silently to the ceiling): “This is the moment I have been working towards my entire life. Leave me be, I must prepare my cliched and unoriginal line of questioning that every sports talk host across the globe has already lobbed at this moon faced dullard. ”

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Would anyone from Philadelphia survive a John Wick assassination attempt?
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Yeah, I’m thinking the Coggin is back.

No. No they would not. God damnit I watched John Wick 2 last night and I’m still all FIZZED up over it. Good action movies are so hard to make, but somehow the John Wick franchise still finds fresh ways to keep itself relevant, which is a challenge considering it’s just two hours of a guy running around the world killing people with handguns.

It had every trope I love in a great action movie: a hall of mirrors, hitmen with various fighting styles, gentlemanly agreements, it couldn’t have been better.

I was so pumped up from watching the movie last night that I tried to put my wife in a modified rear naked choke, but she stabbed me in the leg with a fork (all the way to the bone) and warned me not to start something I couldn’t finish. God I love her.

But it got me thinking…would anyone involved in the sports landscape of this city be able to survive with The Baba Yaga himself stalking them? No, no they wouldn’t, but would anyone be able to fight him off enough to deserve a death with dignity? Not in this city.

And yes, I’m fully aware this is a dumb, sports talk radio premise of a column (HEY, WHO DO YOU THINK WOULD SURVIVE?! VOTE IN OUR POLL NOW) but I don’t care. I’m still filled with piss and vinegar from watching that movie.

So who who would stand the best chance? We’re assuming Wick has only his bare fists to get the job done and his targets have ONE non-gun weapon of their choice to defend themselves.

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New 76ers nickname confirmed by the source, officially “Right said FREDS”

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We don’t make the rules, Philadelphia. The 76ers official nickname is no longer The Feds, but has been changed to Right said FREDS: Too Sexy for this Game (Fultz, Redick, Embiid, Dario, Simmons).

It’s not up to me. We entered into a pact with Right Said Fred, and that’s a pact we will take to our GRAVES.

Bow down to the 2017-2018 Philadelphia 76ers, the Right said FREDS: Too sexy for this game.

So it has passed, so it shall be.

The 76ers FEDS nickname stinks, so why won’t our suggestion of Right Said FREDS catch on?
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I see nothing problematic with this at all.

Leave it up to CSN Philadelphia to completely suck all of the fun out of the NBA draft by suggesting the absolute dumbest nickname for the 76ers young core of exciting players. The FEDS? Fultz, Embiid, Dario, Simmons? Get the hell out of here. That’s awful.

But look, we’re not about tearing down at the Coggin, we’re all about building up. We’re not just going to trash an idea, no matter how idiotic and stupid it is, without at least offering a viable alternative. Good game, good effort CSN, but let the professionals take over from here.

There’s only one possible solution to this problem and it’s the simplest.

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Just give in and #embracethesuck with the Phillies
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Odubel Herrera HEROICALLY being thrown out by 50-feet last night. (photo credit: Deadspin.com)

Last night the Phillies blew a 5-0 lead against the Cardinals and didn’t even have the decency for their fans to lose in the 9th inning. After a game tying home run in the ninth, they proceeded to lumber into extra innings and shit all over themselves.

After a balk, a wild throw on a pick off attempt, the ignoring of a stop sign which resulted in the winning run being thrown out by 50-feet, the Phillies mercifully pulled the plug and lost 7-6.

Did you expect anything else? A buddy of mine every year growing up would try to get us excited about the Phillies, only to have his soul crushed in HILARIOUS fashion when Ron Gant/Kevin Sefcik/Rob Ducey/Rico Brogna/Mike Lieberthal/Randy Wolf/Omar Daal/Travis Lee didn’t pan out to be franchise saviors and the Phillies were in last place by July.

I guarantee even he didn’t expect them to win last night.

The strangest thing, though? Phillies twitter went CRAZY. Oh my, there was a great gnashing and whaling of teeth as fans smashed their faces into keyboards and spat vitriol into the electric ether about this garbage organization.

Why? WHY?! WHY THE OUTRAGE?! They dropped to 26 games under .500 and we’re not even out of June yet. There are 92 games left in the season. The season is over. Unless angels come down from the heavens and help Hector Neris regain command of his sinker and cast Odubel Herrera down into the fiery depths of hell this season is a complete waste of time.

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Breaking down a minute of the most EXTREME, flop-sweatiest take on The Process ever recorded
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EXTREME HAT TILT from Gabe Morency.

Sometimes the Gods smile upon you, my friends. This gem was went to us on Twitter via @rfmchenry1371, a segment from “SPORTS RAGE” starring Gabe Morency. The show, as far as I can tell, stars a stammering bald man, well into an eight-ball of coke (allegedly), YELLING his opinions into a camera in front of an empty faux sportscenter set.

It’s EXTREME. It’s YELLY. It’s SWEATY. Oh my goodness, there is so much sweat. But I guess you do sweat an awful lot when you have such EXTREME, MUSKY takes.

The entire segment is nearly 4-minutes long. Four long, agonizing minutes of a man drowning to death during a taped segment. Rumor has it the CIA originally planned to use this as a tool to extract information from terrorists, but too many of them chewed through their wrist veins and bled out before giving anything up.

I don’t have the strength to break down the entire four-minutes, but it’s well worth it to watch until its conclusion.

Let’s all enjoy this train wreck after the jump:

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