Sometimes the Gods smile upon you, my friends. This gem was went to us on Twitter via @rfmchenry1371, a segment from “SPORTS RAGE” starring Gabe Morency. The show, as far as I can tell, stars a stammering bald man, well into an eight-ball of coke (allegedly), YELLING his opinions into a camera in front of an empty faux sportscenter set.
It’s EXTREME. It’s YELLY. It’s SWEATY. Oh my goodness, there is so much sweat. But I guess you do sweat an awful lot when you have such EXTREME, MUSKY takes.
The entire segment is nearly 4-minutes long. Four long, agonizing minutes of a man drowning to death during a taped segment. Rumor has it the CIA originally planned to use this as a tool to extract information from terrorists, but too many of them chewed through their wrist veins and bled out before giving anything up.
I don’t have the strength to break down the entire four-minutes, but it’s well worth it to watch until its conclusion.
Let’s all enjoy this train wreck after the jump:
0:00 to 0:10: “With the NBA Draft now just three days away the dealing has begun with Dealing Danny Ainge. This guys cuts more deals than Omar from the Wire…uhh…uhhh…ever did.”
Hoo boy, not off to a great start. It’s like his mouth quit halfway through that epic carpet bombing of a joke before his brain could catch up. His confidence in the joke ran out halfway through the delivery. There’s so, so much flop-sweat going on right now. It’s just glistening on his top lip. GET THIS MAN A TOWEL.
Ok, not the best way to kick things off, but I’m sure Gabe will recover. He’s a professional! The network he’s on has 35,000 subscribers! That must translate into a ton of view for “SPORTS RAGE,” right?
::checks the numbers:: Only 93 views? I’ve probably watched this video 80 times myself.
Ok, not a big deal, let’s recover. TAKE A DEEP BREATH. Let’s not let this one get away from us. Champions know how to rally.
(At this point I should probably mention that Gabe looks a lot like a balder version of beloved character actor Vincent Schiavelli. It’s distracting)
0:10 to 0:40: “The Philadelpha 76ers, similar to the Chicago Bears, PUSHED THE PANIC BUTTON. They swapped the third pick for the Celtics first pick and, oh yeah, the Celtics get Philadelphia’s first round pick next year! (snickers to himself) It’s like, for the love of God, this is like the Simpson man, this is like the Simpsons, with the Krusty Burglar and Homer just beats the crap out of him. Stop it, he’s already dead!”
YEEEEEEEESH. Yes, this trade is exactly like the Bears trading up to take a quarterback that nobody believed should be selected with the number two pick. Markelle Fultz, whom experts have overwhelmingly said is the most talented player in this year’s draft, is exactly like Mitch Trubisky, of whom NOBODY thought was worthy of being selected #2 overall.
You have to love someone who chuckles at the sheer hilarity of their upcoming Simpson’s analogy. HOME RUN COMING. By the way, that Simpson’s reference is over 22-years-old. Timely!
0:40 to 0:42: “I can’t take this, I just can’t take this.”
Neither can your audience.
0:43 to 1:00: “As a Toronto Raptors fan, this window is not just closed, the window is like a prison penitentiary window, alright. There’s barbed wire and bars on this window right now, alright, for the Toronto Raptors, as dealing Danny Ainge just fleeced the Philadelphia 76ers.”
ENOUGH ABOUT THE WINDOW! We get it, it’s closed! You don’t need to paint us a picture of the “penitentiary” window. Not sure how many windows actually have barbed wire around them, but whatever.
Dealing Danny Ainge again…does anyone call him this? Are you trying to create a catchphrase for the show?
I don’t have the strength to continue. But here are some assorted BONUS ZINGERS from the rest of the segment. Please don’t read this if you’re driving or operating heavy machinery, the hilarity may prove to be too distracting.
- This isn’t trusting the process, what Philadelphia did, this is forcing the process!
Oh….OH STOP IT YOU’RE KILLING ME, TOO MUCH. PLEASE, PLEASE NO MORE, MY SIDES ARE SPLITTING.
::checks the view counter:: Hey, up to 111! Two thumbs up and four thumbs down. IT’S GOING VIRAL BABY!