Philadelphia

Buying a dead Eagles fan’s pendant from the morgue is a surefire way to become haunted

Have you ever wanted the opportunity to own something creepy from a dead Eagles fan you didn’t know?! Well now’s your chance, weirdo.

Brian Hickey from Philly Voice published an interesting article yesterday on the city Medical Examiner’s Office giving the public the opportunity to own a dead Eagles fan’s pendant from beyond the grave.

The article explains that when a person dies and comes to the medical examiner’s office, their “personal effects” are given to the next of kin or stored for a year in the office and then thrown away.

Now, because apparently Philadelphia is so cash-strapped it’s resorting to selling the items of its dead citizens for PENNIES ON THE DOLLAR, the Medical Examiner’s Officer is auctioning off FIVE Eagles medallions/pendants to the highest bidder (currently at $93.04) and those who are the most enthusiastic about being haunted for the rest of their lives.

This is literally how 90% of the horror movies I’ve ever seen start:

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What happened to Minneapolis bars and restaurants keeping out classless Eagles fans?

Apparently it’s not as hard for Eagles fans in Minneapolis right now as Vikings fans led them to believe.

As hundreds of crestfallen (and butthurt) Vikings fans promised to start up Uber businesses this weekend to drive Eagles fans to wrong locations, created Facebook groups to organize meet-ups to throw trash at Eagles fans, canceled Eagles fans AirBnBs before the Super Bowl, denied Chris Maragos reservations, and generally promised to make life miserable for any Philadelphia Eagles fan that dared show up for the Super Bowl, it’s proving to not be all that bad for the throngs that made the trip.

I wanted to see just how difficult it would be to get a reservation for 10 Eagles fans on short notice in Minneapolis bars and restaurants near U.S. Bank Stadium. At the very least, I figured, the salty rejections from business owners would make for some good content.

It turns out that most business owners in Minneapolis aren’t as idiotic as the Vikings fans encountered on social media, because it’s QUITE EASY to make a reservation for 10 Eagles fans for tonight during prime dinner hours at just about any bar or restaurant within a mile of the Vikings stadium.

See just how much local business owners love Philadelphia Eagles fan after the jump:

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2018 All-Philadelphia Royal Rumble

This Sunday the WWE is hosting its best pay-per-view  every year, as the ROYAL RUMBLE marches its way into our hearts.

For those unfamiliar with the concept, a “Royal Rumble” consists of 20 to 30 wrestlers entering the ring every two minutes. The entrants are eliminated when thrown over the top rope, and the final man (or woman) standing wins the event and gets to headline Wrestlemania.

This year, the Rumble is in our very own backyard, kicking off this Sunday at the Wells Fargo Center in front of 40,000 drunken, rowdy Philadelphians who yearn for the days of obese men putting each other threw tables at the old ECW arena.

What better way to honor the WWE’s best show by putting on our own knock-off event with far less athletic and well-known contestants? SOUNDS FUN TO ME!

Last year, everyone’s favorite Process Trusting nerd Sam Hinkie bribed his way back into the Rumble after eliminating himself before the event started. He teamed up with Joel Embiid to murder everyone in the ring, before betraying his star pupil to claim the vaunted Coggin Toboggan Championship belt for himself.

It was such a success that we’re hosting it again this year and opening it up to ANYONE AND EVERYONE with even a cursory relationship in Philadelphia. Are you a nobody athlete that had a cup of tea with the 87ers last season? God damnit, you’re eligible to make something of yourself. Do you stand a chance against a field of 30 hungry, grizzled veterans looking to raise their name to the rafters of the Coggin Toboggan offices? You sure don’t, but we’ll all have a good laugh at your expense as you bleed out on the ring floor.

Thirty of the most ruthless competitors have cast their lot with us to become an immortal champion for the city of Philadelphia. We’ve written a short bio for each, given each an entrance song and a trademark maneuver we feel is appropriate for their particular skillset.

Ladies and gentlemen, the 2018 All-Philadelphia Royal Rumble. May god have mercy on our souls.

(If you want to get caught up on the action,  you can read the 2017 rumble here or the 2016 rumble here.)

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Vikings fans coming to Philadelphia should read this Eagles fan attack survival guide

I get it, Minnesotans, I really do. You want to come to City of Brotherly love this weekend, take in some culture, maybe see what all the fuss is about with these cheesesteaks, and you want to cheer on your Vikings in a polite, but slightly rowdy, manner.

It SOUNDS like a great weekend, but what will you do when you’re face to face with one of nature’s most relentless killing machines, an Eagles fan with a bone to pick?

Sure, they may seem cute and harmless when they’re doing their little E-A-G-L-E-S EAGLES chant all afternoon, but when they’re bearing down on you with the broken shards of an Old Crow whiskey bottle, do you know what to do to increase your odds of survival?

Throwing cheese curds or whatever garbage it is you people eat up in Minnesota won’t help you.

Remember, Eagles fans can smell fear. If you reek of it (which you likely will), you stand little chance. The first step in survival is knowing what to do to increase your odds of getting out of their with your life.

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Don’t miss out on the official Coggin Toboggan NFC Championship tailgate this Sunday!

Hey sports fans, the Eagles are back in the NFC title game for the first time since 2008 and you know what that means….tailgating brah! If there’s one thing The Coggin Toboggan knows, it’s how to throw a great party, so what better time to hold our first ever official Coggin Toboggan tailgate before the Eagles beat the Vikings this Sunday!

Sure, other blogs and websites hold tailgates for all of their fans, but there ain’t no party like a Coggin Toboggan party, because a Coggin Toboggan party don’t stop!

Here are all the details you’ll need to get your party on! E-A-G-L-E-S EAGLES!

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Coggin Toboggan Music Review: Cole Beasley’s “hit” rap single “80 Stings”

So this is a thing we do now, I guess, music reviews. Here’s what I thought about Cole Beasley of the Dallas Cowboys debut foray into the rap game:

What the fuck did I just listen to? REVIEW OVER.

(thinks it over…sighs)

Damnit. FINE. I’d be doing a disservice to everyone who enjoys hate listening to athletes getting their cockles on the rise and jumping into the rap game. Shaquille O’Neal did it, Deion Sanders did it, Allen Iverson did it….and now Cole Beasley of the Dallas Cowboys thinks he can do it.

Beasley is well known round these parts for his Twitter feud with Howard Eskin and the glorious, flowing golden blonde locks he sports under his helmet. My god, just look at it bouncing exuberantly about his strong, broad shoulders…..that is some serious lettuce you could just run your fingers through all day long. It makes you feel safe, like you’re loved….

Huh? What? Oh yeah, the song.

It sucks, but what did you expect? Did you really think some white loser who plays a poor wide receiver for the Dallas Cowboys would produce a halfway decent song? OF COURSE YOU DIDN’T.

You know why you’re here….you’re here to laugh at someone who put themselves out there and tried to accomplish something they’re passionate about. Serves you right, Beasley, for trying to reach a childhood dream. What a loser, am I right gang?

(thinks about my own childhood dream of being a fireman….chokes back tears as I realize I’ve wasted my life)

::gazes over at a mirror:: Yeah….what a loser….what a big, fat, terrible ugly loser

Let’s all listen to this piece of garbage and run through the lyrics to this trainwreck after the jump, shall we?

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Festivus and the 2017 Airing of Grievances with The Coggin Toboggan

I’VE GOT A LOT OF PROBLEMS WITH YOU PEOPLE, AND NOW YOU’RE GOING TO HEAR ABOUT IT. YOU, KRUGER, MY SON TELLS ME YOUR COMPANY STINKS! – Frank Costanza.

Merry (early) Festivus to all of the dear readers of The Coggin Toboggan. 2017 is mercifully coming to a close in less than a few weeks, but what ho! There is still plenty of time for more gripes and complaints in 2017 with your good friends at The Coggin Toboggan.

And what better way to have our voices heard about everything that disappointed us in the past year than by participating in the annual Airing of Grievances, an important part of the Festivus tradition?

But what’s that, you say? You don’t know about Festivus? Why, it’s a made up holiday from a decades old episode of Seinfeld that lazy blogs and sports talk radio stations use to squeeze out a topic of conversation at the end of each year.

Frank Costanza: At the Festivus dinner, you gather your family around, and tell them all the ways they have disappointed you over the past year!

But we are a lazy, lazy blog. We aired our own grievances in 2015 and in 2016, but this year we don’t have the energy. So we turned to our readers, our glorious, loyal, honest readers for their grievances about anything.

Boy, did you guys put a damper on everything as usual. ::sighs deeply:: I guess we can look at them together, but first let me say how truly disappointed I am in all of you.

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Old post dump day: Ben Simmons deserves a better nickname than “Fresh Prince”

Sometimes, for whatever reason, we have posts that never get published. Call them the posts that time forgot, but today we have a special post that’s nearly TWO MONTHS old at this point. It’s still pretty good, but do bear in mind this was written in November. Enjoy!

If you did not listen to the NBC Sports Philly interview with Ben Simmons after last week’s win over the Hawks, please let me show you an incredibly ham-handed attempt to force a manufactured, unnatural nickname on a once in a lifetime generational athlete:

No. No. NO. Dear god no, that nickname cannot stick. The Fresh Prince? NO. They peppered that stupid nickname throughout the broadcast and it does not fit. It’s too long, it’s very clunky, and it makes no sense.

Why “The Fresh Prince”? Because Simmons’ is young? Because he’s from Philadelphia? It’s based off a show that aired its last episode BEFORE Simmons was even born.

It’s awful and I guarantee you NOBODY outside of an NBC Sports Philly boardroom has ever called him “The Fresh Prince.”

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Here is the x-factor that should give you abnormal amounts of confidence in Nick Foles

Nick Foles has been around, folks, and he’s one of the most talented backup quarterbacks in the NFL. But still, following the news that Carson Wentz had indeed torn his ACL and would miss the rest of the year set off great waling and gnashing of teeth throughout the Delaware Valley.

BUT DON’T FRET! Nick Foles is going to be fine and I’m fully expecting the Eagles to still reach the Super Bowl.

Do you know why I’m so confident? Do you know why I’m expecting the Eagles to not miss a single beat with Foles under center the rest of the way?

Let me reveal to you the source of all my confidence in one Nick Foles.

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I blame Angelo Cataldi’s Los Angeles trip for Carson Wentz’s knee injury

Last week, either Thursday or Friday, I had the unpleasurable experience of not having the little device that allows you to plug your iPhone 7 into a normal auxiliary cable. You know what I’m talking about, the little connector doohickey that you lose 800 times a week and makes you CURSE THE GODS that Apple has no idea what their consumers want.

Rather than being left alone with my tortured thoughts for 20 minutes, against my better judgement I turned on the WIP morning show (and secretly hoped it would be in the middle of a commercial break so I would come to my senses and turn off the radio) and was BLASTED by Angelo Cataldi’s shrill voice, cackling about his plans for a trip to the west coast to watch the Eagles take on the Rams in a “complete and utter lock” of a game.

Al Morganti temporarily roused himself from his paint-huffing induced stupor and asked Cataldi if he remembered the last time he actually attended an Eagles game in person.

“Not since the Vet,” Cataldi grunted into the microphone.

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