Old post dump day: Ben Simmons deserves a better nickname than “Fresh Prince”

Sometimes, for whatever reason, we have posts that never get published. Call them the posts that time forgot, but today we have a special post that’s nearly TWO MONTHS old at this point. It’s still pretty good, but do bear in mind this was written in November. Enjoy!

If you did not listen to the NBC Sports Philly interview with Ben Simmons after last week’s win over the Hawks, please let me show you an incredibly ham-handed attempt to force a manufactured, unnatural nickname on a once in a lifetime generational athlete:

No. No. NO. Dear god no, that nickname cannot stick. The Fresh Prince? NO. They peppered that stupid nickname throughout the broadcast and it does not fit. It’s too long, it’s very clunky, and it makes no sense.

Why “The Fresh Prince”? Because Simmons’ is young? Because he’s from Philadelphia? It’s based off a show that aired its last episode BEFORE Simmons was even born.

It’s awful and I guarantee you NOBODY outside of an NBC Sports Philly boardroom has ever called him “The Fresh Prince.”

Exec 1: “We really need to give Simmons a nickname for merchandising purposes. Think of the t-shirts we can sell…does he have one?

Exec 2: “Great idea, that’s fantastic synergy. I don’t think he has one yet…but how about this…get this…you’re going to love it. The Fresh Prince.”

Exec 1: “That is the…..GREATEST IDEA YOU’VE EVER HAD. The kids LOVE Will Smith. Everyone loves that show. We could even have a Fresh Prince night at Wells Fargo. We could invite the original Aunt Viv, I bet she’d love to come. I’m sure the actor who played Uncle Phil would be interested….get Alaa, Zumoff and Molly up here now…I want The Fresh Prince to be mentioned no less than 800 times on air tonight.”

Booooooooo BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

God damnit he needs something better than a hackneyed Philadelphia cliche. We need something more creative…something better…something natural…something other cities will hate with every fiber of their being.

If the 76ers and NBC Sports Philly insists on something marketable, call him “The Upside Down.” Boom, Stranger Things tie-in right there. Everyone loves that show, the kids are adorable, and “The Upside Down” just sounds badass.

Plus, Australia is always depicted as being upside down on old Bugs Bunny cartoons when he would tunnel through the center of the earth and pop out on the other side. I can only assume that is true. It’s good, solid science.

Personally, I think Simmons should be given the nickname “The Sports Guy,” just to stick it to stupid Bill Simmons every time the better Simmons big dicks his way into Boston and crushes the Celtics with his dizzying array of jump hooks and no-look passes. What better revenge for Philadelphia than to have THEIR Sports Guy become more famous, more beloved and more likeable than the original Sports Guy?

The only danger in calling Ben Simmons “The Sports Guy” would be if that somehow cursed him into having the same career trajectory as Bill Simmons. He’d have a few years of wild success, than the popularity would go to his head, he’d overestimate his worth, and all of his devoted fans would turn on him and he’d become an overbearing douche.

I like to imagine Ben Simmons hoisting his first NBA Championship Trophy in the next five years, the now less famous Bill Simmons crying and watching the ceremony from his compound in Los Angeles, and then keeling over as the TNT announcer thanks “The Sports Guy” for a fantastic season.

Fuck him. It’s perfect, it’s spiteful, and it’s not as terrible as the stupid Fresh Prince. It’s a nickname vengeful, hate-driven Philadelphians can get behind.

The Sports Guy is dead. LONG LIVE THE SPORTS GUY.

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