Philadelphia Eagles

Former Eagles QB Bobby Hoying speaks out on re-signing Sam Bradford

Ol’ Bobby Hoying knows how to have a hell of a night out on the town.

Philadelphia, PA – Last seen over a year ago after he welched on a $10,000 bet at the 2015 Wing Bowl, former Eagles quarterback Bobby Hoying made an unscheduled appearance on Philly Sports Talk Live and denounced the possibility of the Eagles re-signing that “pantywaist.”

Hoying barged onto the set during the 5:30 p.m. hour on Monday afternoon, demanding to speak on air about that “big old pussy” Sam Bradford. Hoying made Marcus Hayes give up his seat so he could sit next to host Michael Barkann, forcing him to sit on the floor for the remainder of the 10 minute segment.

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Confused NFL prospect Christian Hackenberg only asked questions about Gods of Egypt at combine

Gods of Egypt fan #1.

Indianapolis, Indiana – Penn State quarterback and NFL prospect hopeful Christian Hackenberg expressed extraordinary confusion at the conclusion of the combine interview, as the 21-year-old athlete said he was only asked questions about the major motion picture “Gods of Egypt,” which opened nationwide today.

The Penn State product could only shake his head as he readied himself for the rest of the weekend, hoping the movie would not come up again.

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DeMeco Ryans classily keys thank you note into side of Howie Roseman’s car

demeco-ryans-reps-alabama-during-sunday-night-football-intro-roll-tide

A real class act.

Philadelphia, PA – A class act until the end, Eagles defensive leader DeMeco Ryans keyed a long and thankful note into Executive Vice President of Football Operations Howie Roseman’s car after he learned of his release from the team Wednesday afternoon.

The thre paragraph note was crudely scratched into the side of Roseman’s 2015 BMW 320i xDrive, which has an MSRP of $35,000, thanking the organization for the past four seasons.

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Despite overwhelming evidence, NFL reps deny existence of Chronic Traumatic Apathy in Pro Bowl participants

CTA affects so many NFL Pro Bowl Participants.

Honolulu, Hawaii – The NFL is facing a new medical controversy leading up to Super Bowl 50, as league representatives were forced to release a statement denying the existence of Chronic Traumatic Apathy in Pro Bowl Participants.

Symptoms of CTA include general malaise, missed tackles, jogging, lack of blocking effort, and can often be confused with massive hangovers and/or contempt at having to play a pointless football game before the Super Bowl.

“There’s no evidence that Chronic Traumatic Apathy, or CTA, is real. We were very proud of the results from yesterday’s Pro Bowl and we were happy with the level of competitiveness exhibited throughout,” NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said.

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Doug Pederson declares himself infallible

The newest big dick in town.

Philadelphia, PA – The normally reserved and happy-go-lucky Doug Pederson took quite a turn Friday, as the new head coach called an impromptu press conference and tore into the media as he proclaimed himself the “newest head coach and big swinging dick in this god forsaken town.”

Pederson leaned forward in a fine leather chair, stroking a tabby cat, while asserting his dominance over the entire room at the Novacare Center.

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Eagles bringing in Doug Pederson to help Sam Bradford’s sleeve game

My god, just look at those things. What a presence.

Philadelphia, PA – The Eagles front office knew they were taking a huge risk by bringing in Kansas City Chiefs offensive coordinator Doug Pederson to be the next head coach.

However, the organization believes Pederson can take Sam Bradford to the next level, and hopefully, a Super Bowl in the near future.

“We feel Doug can really elevate Sam’s sleeve game. Pederson was known for his long, tightly cinched sleeves during his playing days, and we feel he can teach Sam the finer points of that area,” Eagles owner Jeffrey Lurie said.

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RumorBot 2.0 debuts and predicts the next Eagles head coach

Definitely not RumorBot 2.0. You have to see him after the jump.

The Coggin Toboggan engineers are some of the most dedicated employees we have at the blog. The last time we called on them they delivered HitchBot 2.0 after the first had been destroyed in the streets of Philadelphia.

They came through with flying colors and redeemed this city in its darkest hours. I mean, just look at the replacement they developed. It’s sleek, it’s sexy, and most importantly it got results.

I will mention that the Coggin Toboggan engineers did fail us one time, but we asked them to play god and no man should ever play God. The less said the better, but messing around with the human genome and trying to splice it with bald eagle DNA makes for some horrific sins against nature. We had to burn so many bodies in the dumpster behind the offices. Those inhuman shrieks will fill my soul with dread for the rest of my life. They had human eyes! Human! May God have mercy on us all.

But I digress. Every sports writer and hack sports talk radio host has been giving their best guesses as to who the Eagles will hire to be their next head coach. Will it be Doug Marrone?! Or maybe Jon Gruden will come out of retirement.

We’re sick of guesses, so we asked our engineers to develop a state-of-the-art piece of technology that would factor in every single piece of data about the available coaching candidates and be able to give us a DEFINITIVE answer as to whom the Eagles will hire to be their next coach.

The Toboggan engineers have never let us down before, so we figured we’d let them have a go at it. While we won’t tell you any of the details that went into creating the machine, we will say that what they came up for us is simply outstanding.

After the jump you’ll see RumorBot 2.0 tell us exactly who will be the next coach of the Philadelphia Eagles. We also ran the test for the New York Giants and the Cleveland Browns.

Spoilers ahead. You have been warned.

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Tom Coughlin demands early bird interview with Philadelphia

tom-coughlin Philadelphia, PA – Citing his desire to “not be up at all hours of the night,” head coach candidate Tom Coughlin showed up close to 7-hours early for his scheduled interview this afternoon.

Coughlin exited his 1993 Lincoln Town Car and asked to be interviewed in a corner booth at the NovaCare Complex cafeteria, as it looked “less drafty” than one of the tables in the center of the room.

“Why come all the way down to Philadelphia to sit in a drafty table?” Coughlin said, after making Eagles representatives move tables several times to find an acceptable place to sit.

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DeSean Jackson really tempts fate with comments on Chip Kelly’s “bad karma”

desean-jackson-redskins Washington, DC – DeSean Jackson decided to throw caution to the wind Friday morning when he spoke about Chip Kelly and how his actions came back to him in a stunning display of karma at the end of the season.

Jackson essentially proved the old adage of a pot calling a kettle black by saying he “could care less” about Chip Kelly because he “ruined the Eagles.”

“I’m a firm believer that bad karma comes back on you,” said Jackson to TheMMQB’s Robert Klemko. “When you ruin a team like that, you do things to people’s families, you release people, you trade people, you get rid of good players who build something with the community, with the fans, with the kids — to have a guy come in and change up the team like that, I just believe in karma.”

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Andy Reid endorses Cheesesteak for Philadelphia head coach

Andy Reid Philadelphia, PA – A former head coach of the Philadelphia Eagles made his opinions known this week as to who should be the next leader of the franchise.

Reid reportedly called owner Jeffrey Lurie and suggested he take a long, hard look at a cheesesteak from Tony Luke’s to lead the team for the 2016-2017 season.

“I owe everything I have to those sandwiches at Tony Luke’s. If I needed support or had a bad day, one or three of those delicious sandwiches would put me in a better mindset. Just one dripping with cheese whiz, tiny onions that melt in your mouth, I can practically taste it in my mustache as we speak,” Reid said.

“Well look at what we have here,” Reid said, running his fingers through his mustache and picking out a fossilized crumb from the depths of his whiskers.

Onlookers were horrified as the Kansas City coach then popped it into his mouth.

“See? You can always count on Tony Luke’s. I think that still had some cheese on it, my goodness,” Reid said. “That’ll make your engine run. Time’s yours.”

Reid reportedly then licked his lips for the next five minutes and stared into space.

At press time, Reid changed his endorsement to a 5-week-old pork chop he found in the folds of his back fat.