Chip Kelly

Meet the new Philadelphia Eagles

Philadelphia, PA – Following one of the most storied days in free agency history in Philadelphia, the Eagles have two new prized running backs that will be taking the field in 2015-2016.

Chip Kelly and company inked both Demarco Murray and Ryan Mathews to substantial contracts for the upcoming seasons. Sure, we know what they can do on the field, but what about the men behind the facemasks?

The CT has collected a detailed look on both Murray and Mathews. Here are several facts that you may not know about the two newest Philadelphia Eagles.

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Demarco Murray signs with the Eagles for a song and a kiss

A truly tortured soul. May he find contentedness in Philadelphia.

Philadelphia, PA – Demarco Murray landed in Philadelphia this morning and the spurned running back signed with the Eagles for a “song and a kiss.”

Describing himself as “extremely vulnerable,” Murray said he was disappointed that the Cowboys cast him aside and just wanted to have the “sweet caress of a song run through my ears.”

“I want no money. I have more money than any man could ever spend in a lifetime,” Murray said, taking off a pair of Dolce and Gabbana sunglasses to show his saddened eyes. “But what about a man’s soul? To receive something that touches upon a man’s inner being is worth more than all the gold and bullion in the world.”

Upon signing his contract, Chip Kelly tenderly kissed Murray on top of his forehead and launched into a stunning aria of “Ave Maria.” The music flowed lovingly from the head coach’s lips, bringing the elite athlete to tears.

“Paid in full, Mr. Kelly, paid in full,” Murray said, sobbing as he collapsed in Chip’s arms.

It’s not yet known how the contract will effect the Eagles cap space moving forward.

BREAKING:

The CT has received a recording of Kelly’s aria here.

Chip Kelly: We won’t mortgage our future, but we will reverse mortgage it

Real estate tycoon Chip Kelly.

Philadelphia, PA – At his press conference yesterday to address the recent Eagles wheelings and dealings, Chip Kelly stressed to reporters that he would not mortgage the team’s future to obtain Marcus Mariota in the 2015 draft.

He did, however, say a reverse mortgage would not be out of the question.

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Stephen A. Smith: These are the moves of someone who is not, NOT a racist

Stephen A. Smith looking his best on ESPN First Take.

Philadelphia, PA – Continuing a three day tirade against Philadelphia Eagles Head Coach Chip Kelly, Stephen A. Smith tripled down today on his “entertaining” First Take show on ESPN 9. Smith had several harsh words for the trade the Eagles completed, bringing in Sam Bradford for Nick Foles and a bevy of picks.

“Are these the moves that a man who isn’t a bigot would make? ARE THEY?!” Smith screamed at co-host Skip Bayless, spraying flicks of spittle on his face.

“Where’s the brother involved in this deal? Why does he never trade for a black man? If this were the 1950s he’d be manning the hoses as he washed all of the African Americans out of that locker room,” he screamed into the camera.

“But don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying anything, you just have to read between the lines with me. I’m subtle like that, isn’t that right Skip?” Smith said, somehow still yelling during a calm moment of the show.

Bayless tried to answer Smith, but couldn’t be heard over the loud boos raining down on him from outside of the studio.

“I know Philadelphia. I love Philadelphia, and Philly loves me,” Smith said, despite the fact that he is abhorred by the majority of sports fans in the city, who wouldn’t slow down on the street to help him up if he fell and broke his hip. “I speak for the city, and man, they are not happy with this old guard, deep south fool.”

Bayless cackled along with Smith, nodding his head vigorously.

“I even have a source telling me that Kelly put an order down recently for at least five purebred German shepherds. You know who loves those dogs. But I’m not saying anything, I’m not,” He said, winking at the camera as he pointed to a Confederate flag.

Smith wrapped up the segment and immediately had his contract re-upped by ESPN for another 10 years.

Philadelphia put on 24-hour suicide watch

RIP.

Philadelphia, PA – Following a day that saw Nick Foles and several draft picks traded for oft-injured quarterback Sam Bradford, the city of Philadelphia has been placed on a 24-hour suicide watch.

“We feel that with everything going on with the Eagles right now, this measure must be taken,” Mayor Michael Nutter said. “Calls have flooded into city hall since last night, detailing instances of city sports fan feeling depressed and not knowing if it’s worth going on.”

As such, city residents have had their shoelaces confiscated and their bed sheets removed to make sure no hangings take place in the next 24 hours.

BREAKING NEWS:

The suicide watch has since been expanded to 72 hours after the news that Ryan Mathews was signed by the Eagles this morning and former Gov. Ed Rendell was found dead in his home from a shotgun blast to the head.

Sam Bradford tears both ACLs and dislocates elbow answering his cell phone

Sam Bradford in his natural state.

St. Louis, MO – Hustling to answer his ringing cell phone yesterday, newly acquired quarterback bumped into a footstool and simultaneously tore both ACLs in his knees.

As he tumbled to the floor, the 27 year old quarterback gruesomely dislocated the elbow of his throwing arm, the joint bending in the wrong direction at a 90 degree angle.

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Editor’s Note: It’s safe to assume Chip Kelly has a brain disease

When The Coggin Toboggan wants to get serious it turns its coverage over to its editor and founder to bring everything to a screeching halt. Goodbye funny, say hello to self pity and depression.

Just awful. I think I’d be happier if it had been confirmed that Chip Kelly was a racist instead of the move he just made.

Chip Kelly has gone insane. INSANE. Really not a lot to say anymore. This move was the move of a syphilitic brained man who has too much power and nobody to keep him in check.

Chip Kelly is now the the John E. DuPont of the NFL. He has slowly descended into madness, until one day for no reason he decides to take a ride in his car and pull up to both Lesean McCoy and Nick Foles to shoot them both in the stomach.

Do you have a problem with me?! ::shoots both Foles and McCoy::

Sam Bradford and a 2nd round pick for Nick Foles. Bradford hasn’t played in a game since 2013. His best season saw him throw 21 touchdown passes (when he had two healthy knees). He’s not mobile and won’t be gaining any mobility coming off a second knee surgery.

Nick Foles never played a game last season where he started behind an intact offensive line, yet still went 6-2.

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

Leaked: Eagles 2015 free agent wish list

Chip Kelly must be furious this afternoon, as an anonymous Eagles front office employee has leaked a comprehensive list of available free agents who the organization will be targeting at the start of free agency on Tuesday, March 10.

The Eagles are widely expected to be one of the major players in free agency this year, as the team had over $50 million available to spend.

Here is the list of players the Eagles are reportedly going to try and ink this offseason.

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Chip Kelly: Hinkie did what? God damnit…get me Foles and a whore that can dance

Chip Kelly, perhaps gone mad with power.

Philadelphia, PA – Hearing that 76ers GM Sam Hinkie seized the spotlight again, just one day after the Eagles completed a blockbuster trade that saw franchise running back Lesean McCoy shipped to Buffalo for linebacker Kiko Alonso, Chip Kelly was seen destroying his office at the Novacare Complex in front of a cowering Howie Roseman.

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Sam Hinkie: Oh, so Chip Kelly traded McCoy? We’ll see about this.

Chip Kelly’s got nothing on this stud.

Philadelphia, PA – After having the Philadelphia sports media diverted from debating the 76ers recent trades, future and direction of the franchise for just one day, Sam Hinkie simply smirked and pressed a gigantic red button affixed to his desk deep within the confines of the Wells Fargo Center during an impromptu press conference.

“So Mr. Chip Kelly thinks he can divert attention away from my beloved 76ers by making a rash decision and trading one of the most talented and popular members of the Philadelphia Eagles? Please, check the team site,” He said to a collected group of reporters. “Upon checking your iPhones, you’ll notice Nerlens Noel is no longer listed on the team roster.”

A gasp arose from the media, as the active team roster instead featured a picture of Kevin Durant wearing a 76ers jersey. A second picture had been posted to the main page of the 76ers website, prominently featuring a smiling Durant shaking Hinkie’s hand.

“Ladies, gentlemen, your newest member of the Philadelphia 76ers. This town is mine, Kelly, never forget it. You can quote that. Now get the hell out of here,” he told the assembled reporters.

The media were then ushered off of WFC property at gunpoint by Furkan Aldemir.