76ers

Younger brother of MCW writes Sam Hinkie a letter to bring him back to Philadelphia

Philadelphia, PA – Perhaps inspired by Jordan Leopold’s daughter’s letter written to the Minnesota Wild to bring her father back to Minnesota, Michael Carter William’s younger brother, Max, crafted a heartfelt letter to Philadelphia 76ers GM Sam Hinkie asking if he could make a trade to bring his oldest brother back to the City of Brotherly Love.

The Coggin Toboggan was able to procure a copy of the handwritten letter sent to Sam Hinkie over the weekend. You will never believe how Sam Hinkie brightened the young boy’s day! (more…)

Sam Hinkie improvs 15-minutes of material on Philadelphia sports media members

Philadelphia, PA – Perhaps belied by his impromptu, off-the-cuff take down of Howard Eskin during last Thursday’s press conference, Philadelphia 76ers GM Sam Hinkie performed nearly a 15-minute routine in which he insulted just about every sports media member in attendance.

“Where is Howard Eskin, that in the middle of a werewolf transformation mother fucker,” Hinkie asked, borrowing a line from the late Patrice Oneil. “Is he still in Florida? Tell him Andy Reid is in Kansas City and needs his dick sucked.”

Hinkie left his podium and delivered several biting, blistering lines to the stunned members of the Philadelphia press he had invited to the conference.

“Oh you didn’t like that I traded Michael Carter Williams last week, Angelo? You don’t know what a father should tell his son who has a Michael Carter Williams jersey? I’m not sure about that, but that father should definitely tell his son not to listen to some ancient hack columnist whose legacy will be that of morbid obesity in the form of a wing eating competition,” Hinkie said, his face inches away from Cataldi’s. “I wouldn’t fuck your fat pussy with Rhea Hughes’ cock.”

He moved around the room with the precision of a surgeon, stopping in front of each reporter to levy more insults, each more personal than the last.

“Have you seen these new advertisements the Daily News is putting around the city for Marcus Hayes? Great strategy. His fat fuck face is so swollen it needs the side of two bus stops to fit on. His picture looks like he smells like a combination of rotten cheese and garlic.”

Hayes reportedly wept softly for the remainder of the media session.

Capping off the massive insult session, Hinkie went into overdrive and described the following members of the media as such:

– Dei Lynam: “How does she still have a job in this town? I’d say it was nepotism if she were better looking.”

– Les Bowen: “This old mother fucker can’t go to a funeral without people wondering how the corpse got out of its coffin.”

– John Gonzalez: “Someone check his green card, he’s taking a job away from a more talented American journalist.”

– Jim Adair of Crossingbroad – “Watching this goofy bastard take shots on the Wells Fargo Center court this offseason made me realize there are certain ‘athletes’ out there that you can’t trade for a second round draft pick. Piece of shit looks like someone who has forgotten to take his seizure medication.”

As of press time, Marcus Hayes was seen still sobbing in his car in the parking lot.

Editor’s Note: The CT is going Turkish

When The Coggin Toboggan wants to get serious it turns its coverage over to its editor and founder to bring everything to a screeching halt. Goodbye funny, say hello to self pity and depression.

Yesterday, we at the CT published an article about Furkan Aldemir being traded by Sam Hinkie, but nobody telling Furkan he was off the team because everyone was too frightened by the Turkish national athlete tell him the bad news. The post, for whatever reason, went insane. The CT received at least 30 views from people in Turkey and about 15 from Croatia (I had no idea Dario Saric was such a fan) and is already one of the most popular pieces we’ve published on the site.

My god, do you people know what this means? The Coggin Toboggan, in less than two months of being active, has become a global powerhouse.

To the people of Turkey, we salute you! Merhaba (hello)! Karşılama (welcome)! Prenses (princess)!

Of course, for anyone who has read the site we love to write about Furkan Aldemir. We know nothing about the young man, but we enjoy portraying him as a startling foreign presence who intimidates his fellow athletes with stereotypical old-world Turkish tendencies. Do we actually think he uses a voodoo doll to curse Hinkie on a daily basis? Most likely not. Do we think he actually travels to away games with a collection of scimitars? 100% yes. I’d be insanely disappointed if this proved to be untrue.

In fact, we’ve even started to reach out to Furkan on Twitter (@furkanaldemir19) to see if he’d like to be interviewed to shed some light on what type of a person he really is. Yes, we’ll probably be blocked by him, but who knows? Maybe we’ll become good friends (definitely not).

It has crossed my mind that all of the PURELY satirical nonsense we publish on this site is being read by terrorist cell in Turkey who are none to pleased about my American sense of humor. I am aware I may be a part of some back alley terrorist group or renegade Aldemir fan group’s kidnapping plot, and I’m ok with that. If you are going to come at me, just know I won’t go quietly. I’ve seen “Taken” twice and I sleep with a pair of brass knuckles on both fists every night, much to the chagrin of my wife who found out I punch in my sleep.

So to the people of Turkey, I promise you I will continue to cater CT coverage to your whims and will most likely write about 1,000 additional Furkan Aldemir pieces while this site is still up.

Cehennemde görüşürüz (see you in hell).

Sam Hinkie too nervous to tell Furkan Aldemir he was traded last week

Furkan Aldemir, most likely high on lotus blossoms.

Philadelphia, PA – 76ers GM Sam Hinkie has yet to tell noted Philadelphia small forward and noted oddball Furkan Aldemir that he was traded to the Sacramento Kings last week for a second round pick.

The GM has been seen approaching Aldemir for the past several days after practice and before games, only to become unnerved and walk away when the unshaven Turkish athlete would make eye contact with him.

Hinkie’s most recent attempt came last night before the tip-off in Miami, but he was rebuffed when he noticed Aldemir was methodically sharpening a collection of scimitars he ships to each away game.

“Yes, he was traded last week to the Kings for a second round pick, but nobody has told him yet. It’s, well, it’s a difficult situation, I have to say,” Hinkie said, visibly flinching when he heard a loud noise come from outside of his office. “Is that him? Jesus, he freaks me out. The other day he brought a trashbag into the locker room and something was rustling around in it and it smelled awful. Brett tried to tell him to leave it outside, but he smashed it against his locker and the rustling stopped.”

Hinkie noted that he figured Aldemir would “get the drift” when he wasn’t listed on the 76ers active roster and hadn’t played a minute since last Thursday, but the athlete remains blissfully unaware of his fate.

“As long as he continues to be allowed to sleep in the locker room on a mat of straw, has his chamber pot emptied that he insisted upon in his contract, and the commissary has plenty of blood boar sausage on hand, I don’t think he’s ever going to leave this place willingly,” Hinkie said, shuddering.

As of press time, Aldemir was seen glaring at Hinkie, a small doll of Hinkie’s likeness on a stool next to him and a box of poisoned pins in his lap.

Michael Carter Williams takes out ad lambasting Philadelphia fans

Hope you can still return that hat for store credit, Michael.

Philadelphia, PA – Continuing the tradition of athletes leaving town taking out advertisements in local newspapers for fans, Michael Carter Williams purchased full page colored ads in both the Philadelphia Inquirer and Daily News to hurl insults and thank fans for wasting his time during his tenure on the 76ers.

“Looking back at my two years here, I just have to say to each and every Philadelphia fan, from the bottom of my heart, to go fuck yourselves,” he wrote in the full-color advertisement, which featured a single photo of Williams flipping off the camera. “I sincerely mean those words. To every obese, piece of shit that screamed at me to make my free throws and stop turning the ball over, I hope you have a heart attack and drop dead in front of your friends and family.”

The second year player was traded last week to the Milwaukee Brewers as part of a three team trade, which saw the 76ers receive a first round pick in exchange for the young athlete.

Williams didn’t hold back when he reached 76ers GM Sam Hinkie in his letter.

“To that pasty, cunty, bloated mother fucker that has been wanting to trade me since his gummy hands gained control of the franchise, truly, I hope you have a stroke. I don’t want you to die, I just want you to be trapped in a husk of your former body, forced to watch me make all star game after all star game in future years, as you spend your remaining days drooling on yourself as you’re confined to an uncomfortable wheelchair.”

At one point in the advertisement, it seemed as if Williams had wiped excrement on the copy.

“Hopefully, you’ll be run out of this town by the ungrateful, blue collar slobs who will call for your head when none of your assets turn out to be anything, you analytics loving fat fuckwad.”

Several members of the media described the ad as being the most vicious exit from the city of Philadelphia since Eric Lindros left a flaming bag of dog shit on Bobby Clarke’s front porch.

76ers down to four players on active roster

I need more second round picks…I desire them.

Philadelphia, PA – After a flurry of activity at the trading deadline yesterday, the 76ers are down to four active players on the roster for tonight’s game vs. the Indiana Pacers.

“Perhaps we went a bit overboard after we traded Michael Carter Williams, KJ McDaniels, Robert Covington, Luc Mbah a Moute, Nerlens Noel, Henry Sims, Hollis Thompson, Joel Embiid, Henry Sims and Jason Richardson for three first round picks and 37 second round picks in the 2015 to 2035 NBA draft,” GM Sam Hinkie said today.

The only remaining players on the 76ers roster are JaVale McGee, Tony Wroten (injured), Andrei Kirilenko (has yet to appear in a game), and Jerami Grant. A D-league player from the Houston Rockets was included in the bevy of deals, but has refused to step foot in the Philadelphia locker room for fear of being traded again.

“We have assets, oh so many assets. Just think of what we could trade with these second round picks….maybe we could get more second round picks!” Hinkie said excitedly, as his underlings looked nervously at each other.

Several sources from the 76ers front office have expressed fear that Hinkie has become mad with power. After the deadline passed, Hinkie was found in his office speaking into a telephone that was clearly not plugged in.

“He was trying to trade Franklin the Dog (the 76ers new mascot) for a new emcee to announce the games. We had to put a stop to this,” A source said.

To round out the roster for the next game, the 76ers announced they would select a lucky fan from the crowd prior to tipoff to start at point guard.

Oh my sweet jesus

“3…2…1”

“Fuck yeah.”

What the hell just happened?! Who is on the 76ers anymore…I’m so confused. Can they even field five players for the next game? KJ McDaniels and MCW gone. Excuse me while I go throw up in the mens room for the next three hours. Hinkie, you mad genius, you may have gone TOO far after you obviously read my fabulous column about the 76ers being the most exciting team in the city.

You magnificent bastard.

Editor’s Note: I love the 76ers

KJ McDaniels throwing down a vicious dunk over old geezers Angelo Cataldi and Howard Eskin.

When The Coggin Toboggan wants to get serious it turns its coverage over to its editor and founder to bring everything to a screeching halt. Goodbye funny, say hello to self pity and depression.

At this moment, Wednesday, Feb. 18, the Philadelphia 76ers are by far the most entertaining sports franchise in this city, and definitely in the best position moving forward. It’s much more exciting to watch a team developing a group of young, energetic players than pretend to care about the Phillies upcoming season or watch the Flyers struggle to fall into the last playoff spot in the Eastern Conference.

For a team that many thought wouldn’t win more than 10 games this season, it’s hard to deny the team actually has a bright future, though many can’t see it at the moment.

Don’t listen to Angelo Cataldi or Howard Eskin, who regularly call out 76ers GM Sam Hinkie for his out of the box strategy. He’s actually DOING something with this team, instead of wallowing in the 7th and 8th seed of the Eastern Conference playoffs year after year. My memory isn’t too great, but I don’t recall Cataldi or Eskin crowing over the 2008-2009 76ers and their 41-41 record, which culminated in a first round exit to the Orlando Magic. I’m fairly sure Cataldi didn’t talk for entire segments about how inspiring and entertaining Willie Green played during that year.

Also, as I recall the two were kicking the 76ers for not drafting Doug McDermott, passing him over for Dario Saric. Saric hasn’t played a game for the 76ers, but was recently named the MVP of the Euroleague. Doug McDermott is averaging 3 points a game for the Bulls, plays about 9 minutes a game and has recently been seen kicking kittens down the sidewalk of the street he lives on (may not have happened). That’s not going to vault your team into the upper stratosphere of the NBA.

Watching young guys on this team who wouldn’t get a chance or the minutes on other squads is the most entertaining aspect of Philadelphia sports right now. Would Robert Covington get a chance to play anywhere else? Nope. He just played in the Rising Stars game over All-Star weekend. KJ McDaniels is getting more minutes than he would see anywhere else. Better to have him playing now than rotting on the bench behind someone like Jason Richardson.

Hinkie is like a guy who is smart enough to reset his Playstation when his Madden team is being blown out by 56 points in the first half against the computer. Something’s not working, so it’s time to start something different. It will take more time, but why keep playing the same way with the same results when you’re doomed to failure? It’s time to reset and start throwing up 50 yard hail mary’s on fourth down, calling for triple reverses and kicking onside kicks after every TD.

Lets remember these points in three years when the 76ers are one of the top three teams in the East so we can systematically boo Eskin and Cataldi off the radio when they try to jump on the bandwagon.

76ers new mascot a social commentary on dangers of dog breeding

A horrific visage of dog inbreeding, Franklin is the newest 76ers mascot.

Philadelphia, PA – The 76ers unveiled their new mascot today at the Franklin Institute, as Franklin the Dog made his grand appearance in front of a herd of young children. The cheerful blue dog will also carry a powerful message, said 76ers General Manager Sam Hinkie, as it will seek to educate families and children on the horrendous side effects of dog inbreeding and over breeding.

“Our happy go lucky mascot Franklin will delight fans of all ages, but also take time to educate and display the dangers of so-called puppy mills throughout the country,” Hinkie said. “You’ll notice he walks with a noticeable limp, a common symptom of hip dysplasia that plagues inbred dogs.”

As Franklin tumbled and played with the children, he randomly would snap at the unsuspecting imps, displaying the mood swings and unpredictability of an inbred animal.

“Hell, even the color of Franklin is a commentary on designer dogs. Did you think we were doing it to be cute? Well, maybe on one level, but it’s all about education with us,” Hinkie said.

Hinkie said during games when not entertaining fans at center court, Franklin would be traveling through the arena distributing graphic pamphlets highlighting the dangers of not getting your animals spayed or neutered.

Franklin the Dog narrowly beat out Harry the Horse, an overexerted, heat-stricken Cydesdale doomed to spend the rest of his days pulling a handsome cab through the city.

OH my sweet jesus, we’ve won a few games

Every so often, the CT will check in with rookie sensation Nerlens Noel and his signature hi-top fade haircut to get his take on the 76ers season so far. We at CT take no responsibility for the opinions of the hi-top or his world views. On to today’s edition:

Philadelphia 76ers (11-33). A returning Big Shot brandished a switchblade at Henry Sims last week for no good reason.

We’ve actually won a few games, 3-2 in our last five, including a win over the Minnesota Timberwolves and the returning Thaddeus Young. He didn’t seem to enjoy the last season and didn’t speak to anyone on the roster for the final month’s worth of games. He had a thousand yard stare and visibly recoiled whenever anyone touched him…he seems much happier now, but I definitely saw his soul leave his body when someone in the crowd called him a “no good piece of shit.”

It was all fun and games until we had to go to Cleveland and Lebron James actually decided to play against us. He demolished everyone on our team. He wasn’t even trying. At one point in the game he was taking all of his shots left handed, and I’m pretty sure he tried to punt in a three-point attempt towards the end of the third quarter.

He was lighthearted throughout the entire game until the last five minutes…and then Furkan Aldemir entered the game. My god, he would not stop calling Lebron’s mother a “filthy, flea ridden whore.” He’s really gotten into American trash talking. I mean, he was going into disgusting details about everything Delonte West reportedly did to his mother. It was really personal, horrible stuff, and during the last 10 seconds tears were streaming down Lebron’s face. It was heart wrenching stuff, we were all telling Furkan to stop, but that crazy European son of a bitch just wouldn’t give up.

You don’t even want to know what he said to Kyle Korver’s younger sister the next night. He is one brutal mother fucker.

We play the Boston Celtics on Friday. There’s a $5,000 pot on who can elbow Evan Turner in the esophagus first.