Temple’s Fran Dunphy has been listening to “Philadelphia Freedom” on repeat since snub

Philadelphia, PA – Unseen since Temple University was snubbed by the NCAA Selection Committee for the 2015 March Madness tournament, Owls head coach Fran Dunphy was found in his Villanova home Monday disheveled, drunk, and singing the lyrics to Elton John’s “Philadelphia Freedom” over and over.

Worried that he had not been heard by anyone since Sunday evening, Assistant Coach Aaron McKie traveled to his home Monday and entered the unlocked house. Upon entering, McKie said the stench of whiskey was heavy in the air.

“Oh Philadelphia freedom, shine on me, I love you, Shine the light, through the eyes of the ones left behind, Shine the light, shine the light, Shine the light, won’t you shine the light, Philadelphia freedom, I love-ve-ve you, yes I do,” Dunphy drunkenly sang from his living room couch.

An MP3 recording of the song was blasting from the head coach’s iPod, which he had hooked up to his house’s HIFI system. It was on repeat and was shown to be on its 180th play.

“Coach was pretty upset that we didn’t get in. He’s taking it a bit hard,” McKie said as he struggled to lift Dunphy up from the couch.

The mustachioed coach valiantly reached for a bottle of Pappy Van Winkle on the floor as McKie struggled to get him upright and launched into the conclusion of the song.

“Don’t you know that I love-ve-ve you, Yes I do, Philadelphia freedom, Don’t you know that I love-ve-ve you, Yes I do, Philadelphia freedom,” he slurred, before falling into a deep sleep.

Reports as of press time described Dunphy’s mustache as being in “pristine condition” and of “Final Four level caliber.”

It’s Friday the 13th. Who would be doomed? (hint: everyone)

Quick, everyone run into that abandoned hospital, we’ll be safe in there.

If there’s one thing we love at the Coggin Toboggan almost as much as we love Philadelphia sports, it’s horror movies. Today, of course, is Friday the 13th, the infamous date of one of the longest running horror franchises in movie history. Hell, we’re up to 11 original movies and a reboot, with more in sight, so why not take a look at some local Philadelphia sports figures and give our best estimations on whether or not they’d survive one of the Friday the 13th movies?

We’ll just run this down list style, and after taking a look at some of these losers I don’t think there’s going to be much of a chance for any of them.

We’ve given this a lot of thought and have really looked at the following figures and their intangibles, so lets see who will survive and who will die a gruesome, gruesome death.

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Meet the new Philadelphia Eagles

Philadelphia, PA – Following one of the most storied days in free agency history in Philadelphia, the Eagles have two new prized running backs that will be taking the field in 2015-2016.

Chip Kelly and company inked both Demarco Murray and Ryan Mathews to substantial contracts for the upcoming seasons. Sure, we know what they can do on the field, but what about the men behind the facemasks?

The CT has collected a detailed look on both Murray and Mathews. Here are several facts that you may not know about the two newest Philadelphia Eagles.

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Demarco Murray signs with the Eagles for a song and a kiss

A truly tortured soul. May he find contentedness in Philadelphia.

Philadelphia, PA – Demarco Murray landed in Philadelphia this morning and the spurned running back signed with the Eagles for a “song and a kiss.”

Describing himself as “extremely vulnerable,” Murray said he was disappointed that the Cowboys cast him aside and just wanted to have the “sweet caress of a song run through my ears.”

“I want no money. I have more money than any man could ever spend in a lifetime,” Murray said, taking off a pair of Dolce and Gabbana sunglasses to show his saddened eyes. “But what about a man’s soul? To receive something that touches upon a man’s inner being is worth more than all the gold and bullion in the world.”

Upon signing his contract, Chip Kelly tenderly kissed Murray on top of his forehead and launched into a stunning aria of “Ave Maria.” The music flowed lovingly from the head coach’s lips, bringing the elite athlete to tears.

“Paid in full, Mr. Kelly, paid in full,” Murray said, sobbing as he collapsed in Chip’s arms.

It’s not yet known how the contract will effect the Eagles cap space moving forward.

BREAKING:

The CT has received a recording of Kelly’s aria here.

Chip Kelly: We won’t mortgage our future, but we will reverse mortgage it

Real estate tycoon Chip Kelly.

Philadelphia, PA – At his press conference yesterday to address the recent Eagles wheelings and dealings, Chip Kelly stressed to reporters that he would not mortgage the team’s future to obtain Marcus Mariota in the 2015 draft.

He did, however, say a reverse mortgage would not be out of the question.

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Stephen A. Smith: These are the moves of someone who is not, NOT a racist

Stephen A. Smith looking his best on ESPN First Take.

Philadelphia, PA – Continuing a three day tirade against Philadelphia Eagles Head Coach Chip Kelly, Stephen A. Smith tripled down today on his “entertaining” First Take show on ESPN 9. Smith had several harsh words for the trade the Eagles completed, bringing in Sam Bradford for Nick Foles and a bevy of picks.

“Are these the moves that a man who isn’t a bigot would make? ARE THEY?!” Smith screamed at co-host Skip Bayless, spraying flicks of spittle on his face.

“Where’s the brother involved in this deal? Why does he never trade for a black man? If this were the 1950s he’d be manning the hoses as he washed all of the African Americans out of that locker room,” he screamed into the camera.

“But don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying anything, you just have to read between the lines with me. I’m subtle like that, isn’t that right Skip?” Smith said, somehow still yelling during a calm moment of the show.

Bayless tried to answer Smith, but couldn’t be heard over the loud boos raining down on him from outside of the studio.

“I know Philadelphia. I love Philadelphia, and Philly loves me,” Smith said, despite the fact that he is abhorred by the majority of sports fans in the city, who wouldn’t slow down on the street to help him up if he fell and broke his hip. “I speak for the city, and man, they are not happy with this old guard, deep south fool.”

Bayless cackled along with Smith, nodding his head vigorously.

“I even have a source telling me that Kelly put an order down recently for at least five purebred German shepherds. You know who loves those dogs. But I’m not saying anything, I’m not,” He said, winking at the camera as he pointed to a Confederate flag.

Smith wrapped up the segment and immediately had his contract re-upped by ESPN for another 10 years.

Philadelphia put on 24-hour suicide watch

RIP.

Philadelphia, PA – Following a day that saw Nick Foles and several draft picks traded for oft-injured quarterback Sam Bradford, the city of Philadelphia has been placed on a 24-hour suicide watch.

“We feel that with everything going on with the Eagles right now, this measure must be taken,” Mayor Michael Nutter said. “Calls have flooded into city hall since last night, detailing instances of city sports fan feeling depressed and not knowing if it’s worth going on.”

As such, city residents have had their shoelaces confiscated and their bed sheets removed to make sure no hangings take place in the next 24 hours.

BREAKING NEWS:

The suicide watch has since been expanded to 72 hours after the news that Ryan Mathews was signed by the Eagles this morning and former Gov. Ed Rendell was found dead in his home from a shotgun blast to the head.

Sam Bradford tears both ACLs and dislocates elbow answering his cell phone

Sam Bradford in his natural state.

St. Louis, MO – Hustling to answer his ringing cell phone yesterday, newly acquired quarterback bumped into a footstool and simultaneously tore both ACLs in his knees.

As he tumbled to the floor, the 27 year old quarterback gruesomely dislocated the elbow of his throwing arm, the joint bending in the wrong direction at a 90 degree angle.

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Editor’s Note: It’s safe to assume Chip Kelly has a brain disease

When The Coggin Toboggan wants to get serious it turns its coverage over to its editor and founder to bring everything to a screeching halt. Goodbye funny, say hello to self pity and depression.

Just awful. I think I’d be happier if it had been confirmed that Chip Kelly was a racist instead of the move he just made.

Chip Kelly has gone insane. INSANE. Really not a lot to say anymore. This move was the move of a syphilitic brained man who has too much power and nobody to keep him in check.

Chip Kelly is now the the John E. DuPont of the NFL. He has slowly descended into madness, until one day for no reason he decides to take a ride in his car and pull up to both Lesean McCoy and Nick Foles to shoot them both in the stomach.

Do you have a problem with me?! ::shoots both Foles and McCoy::

Sam Bradford and a 2nd round pick for Nick Foles. Bradford hasn’t played in a game since 2013. His best season saw him throw 21 touchdown passes (when he had two healthy knees). He’s not mobile and won’t be gaining any mobility coming off a second knee surgery.

Nick Foles never played a game last season where he started behind an intact offensive line, yet still went 6-2.

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

Ringling Bros. announces it will phase out elephant acts, Gov. Christie in need of part-time work

Trenton, NJ – Ringling Bros, the famed circus group, recently announced it will phase out all elephant acts in its circuses after years of protests and claims of animal abuse.

The traveling circus made the announcement last week on Thursday, March 5, around 1:15 p.m.

On Thursday, March 6, at 1:20 p.m. a completely separate press release for a completely different story was sent out from the Trenton statehouse announcing Gov. Chris Christie is now available for part time working on the weekends moving forward.

“Gov. Christie simply wants to branch out and earn some extra money for a possible 2016 presidential run,” A press officer at the statehouse said Tuesday morning. “He just needs a new weekend gig to perform in…I mean work in.”

Included in the press release was a copy of Christie’s resume. Here is what Christie has listed under the “relevant work experience and abilities” section of the document.

– Superior memory. Never forgets.

– Has mastered ability to balance self on all fours atop a large rubber ball.

– Can travel quickly, as he has his own trunk. chris_christie

– Successfully reduced pension payments across the state of New Jersey during his two terms as governor.

– Will work for peanuts.

When asked if he was still satisfied with his role as governor of New Jersey, Christie stamped his foot once on the ground, signifying “yes” to the question.