Ruben Amaro Jr. openly wonders if he can get in on this D’Angelo Russell action

Ohio State Buckeyes guard D'Angelo Russell (0) drives to the basket in the first half of the college basketball game between the Ohio State Buckeyes and the Maryland Terrapins at Value City Arena in Columbus, Thursday evening, January 29, 2015. As of half time the Ohio State Buckeyes led the Maryland Terrapins 34 - 26. (The Columbus Dispatch / Eamon Queeney)

Philadelphia, PA – Impressed by the workouts and positive attitude of Ohio State point guard D’Angelo Russell, Ruben Amaro Jr. openly wondered if the Phillies could get in on some of this “sweet, sweet D’Angelo Russell action.”

“If the 76ers draft D’Angelo, could he come to a few of our games? Maybe shag some fly balls? He seems legitimately excited to potentially be playing for Philadelphia and we desperately need some positivity on this team. He seems like a bright young man, and someone who wouldn’t openly yell at Bob (McClure, Phillies pitching coach) about his inability to use the bullpen phone correctly.”

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Say it ain’t so, is Croatia turning on the Coggin Toboggan?

Flag_of_Croatia.svgBad news friends….our sister country, Croatia, once a beloved ally of The Coggin Toboggan, may be turning on Philadelphia’s favorite sports blog.

We’ve always held an affinity for Croatia…from its lush, rolling green hills, to it’s picturesque beaches…so when a Croatian basketball fan sent a Tweet to our account about Dario Saric last week we happily engaged in a brief discussion using the Twitter translation feature:

See? Nothing horrible. Just a fan wanting to know if I heard anything about Dario Saric coming over to the U.S. next year. I responded:

We reached out and gave the gift of humor, which in some countries is the greatest gift of all. Apparently not so in Croatia, or they just don’t understand the subtleties and deft humorous hand many of my articles possess.

He did not respond.

Undeterred, I pressed on, reaching out to him about our love for Furkan Aldemir, well documented on this site…and he never responded.

Almost a week went by, and I will admit, I was still stinging a bit from my Croatian friend’s hostility. But friendship conquers all, I thought, and sent him another Tweet just last night as I was considering hanging myself while watching the putrid Philadelphia Phillies.

You can see his response below the above Tweet.

Using the Twitter translation function, this is what it says in English. This is 100% true:

“@CogginToboggan @Phillies Uncle I’m in a bad mood I’m not dealing with you for God’s sake take a salmon the go field.”

Uncle?! Salmon?! What the hell Bjelica! I thought we were buddies? You were my man on the street in Croatia, feeding us crucial information about Dario Saric and spreading the good word of The Coggin Toboggan throughout your wonderful country. Now you want me to take my salmon and go out to a field? How DARE you.

Frankly, I don’t put all of the blame on Bjelica. I put most of the blame on the Phillies. The Phillies translate throughout the world as complete shit and are offensive in any language, just the mere mention of the team will get you hung and quartered in some countries.

But as much as the Phillies are garbage and culturally and ethnically offensive, I’m nervous that I’ve gotten myself mixed up with some Croatian street toughs here.

This about sums everything up.

UPDATE AS OF 9 P.M. LAST NIGHT:

All is forgiven. WE LOVE CROATIA!

It’s also come to my attention that Nemanja Bjelica is a Croatian national basketball player who declared himself eligible for the NBA draft, not the name of the Twitter user. I am a complete moron.

Editor’s Note: Congrats to Kimmo, but where’s our cup?
Kimmo Timonen in a moment of triumph, but where is our Cup?

Kimmo Timonen in a moment of triumph, but where is our Cup?

Sure it was a great site last night. Kimmo Timonen, longtime Flyers defenseman  traded to the Blackhawks prior to this year’s playoffs, realized his professional dreams and finally was able to hoist the Stanley Cup at the age of 40. It was a triumphant moment as the veteran broke into tears after kissing the cup, realizing his career was coming to an end on top.

But I ask you, where is our cup?

And when I say “our cup” I really mean “my cup.”

And when I say “cup,” I don’t mean the Stanley Cup. What I mean is my Breakfast on Broad mug promised to me by the fledgling CSN morning show.

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Ken Giles explains reason for blowup: I’m on the Phillies

Ken-GilesPhiladelphia, PA – After a blowup on the mound and in the dugout during Friday nights game with the Pirates, Ken Giles explained his heated argument with several of the Phillies coaches.

“It’s not a big deal. It’s just, I’m on the Phillies, it’s nothing out of the ordinary,” Giles explained to reporters. “I have these freak outs all the time. I just feel badly that this happened on the field. I usually blow up in the clubhouse or in the privacy of my own home.”

Giles went on to explain most of the members of the roster have their own separate freak outs with their frustration with being on one of the worst teams in baseball. It has become so commonplace, he said, management doesn’t even fine or punish players for berating coaches and executives.

When asked for more details, Giles said Chase Utley has broken about 87 bats in the locker room this season alone and wrestled Ryne Sandberg to the ground and rubbed pine tar all over his face when the skipper told Utley he would be sitting a few games.

“Everyone does it. I’m disappointed in myself for doing it in public. I should have waited until the game ended and really laid in that little weasel Larry Bowa. He is the worst. It’s a great way to blow off steam when you realize you’re on this horrid team and Ruben Amaro is going to botch any trade you may be involved in.”

As of press time, Giles had reportedly gotten in Bowa’s face and was spitting sunflower seeds into the bench coaches hair.

Evan Mathis digs out Eagles tracking device from the base of his skull

032614_evan-mathis_600Philadelphia, PA – Mere hours after being released, Pro-Bowl guard Evan Mathis wasted no time in moving on from the organization, using a razor sharp bowie knife to dig out the mandatory Eagles tracking implant from the base of his rear skull.

“Oh god…so much blood,” Mathis reportedly muttered to himself, before he crushed the device under the heel of his boot.

The devices are implanted in every Eagles athlete and monitors there whereabouts, health, sexual activity, diet, private conversations and inner most thoughts.

All members of the organization are required to wear the monitoring devices as per the mandate of Chip Kelly, who pours over the data until the wee hours in the morning. Several representatives within the organization are reporting Kelly is slowly going mad from the influx of data.

“It’s just too much for him. He yelled at me last season for watching five minutes of Sportscenter after the mandated lights out period. How the hell did he know I was staying up past curfew? At least I don’t have to hear him yelling at me again because I didn’t finish my protein slurry shake,” Mathis said. “Too much power in just one man’s hands can lead anyone into insanity, I suppose.”

Mathis then sharpened his knife and prepared to dig out the digital playbook device that had been surgically installed in his brain stem.

76ers contact shadow organization to extradite Dario Saric from Turkey

samInstanbul, Turkey – Citing what’s best for business, Sam Hinkie traveled to Istanbul today to meet with several underground figures in the back of a dimly lit, smoke filled Turkish bazaar to begin plans to extradite Dario Saric from his contract with Anadolu Efes S.K.

“You have a man that you want freed, we have a large debt that needs to be paid. I think we can work with each other in this regard,” said Aslan “The Lion” Myanabad. “The cost will be 3 million lira…but I warn you, the penalty for such a thing is many years in the Eskişehir (prison) and I would not wish this upon my worst enemy.”

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Chip Kelly: Bradford right on track for week 3 injured reserve appearance

Sam BPhiladelphia, PA – Pleased at Sam Bradford’s progress in OTAs so far, Chip Kelly told media at the conclusion of practice today that Sam Bradford is “right on track to be placed on injured reserve by week three.”

“Sam is hobbling around out there like he’s really got something to prove. I’m not one for making predictions, but he may even be on the IR by week two if he keeps on progressing,” he said.

Bradford participated in several drills yesterday afternoon, throwing to receivers in 7 on 7 sets, grimacing and clutching his shoulder after every throw longer than five yards.

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I only know two things in this world: Garbage is delicious and Ruben Amaro Jr. is the worst
Snickers the possum.

Snickers the possum.

Hey! Yes, it’s me, Snickers the possum. Ridiculous name for a possum, I know, but my mother was a touch rabid when I was born and she started to name us after pieces of trash she found on the ground in a virus laden haze. I don’t know for certain why she named me this, but if there is one thing I do know for certain, it is that Ruben Amaro Jr. is the worst general manager the Phillies have ever seen.

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American Pharoah will lose out on millions in stud fees

150502190032-02-american-pharoah-kentucky-derby-winner-super-169Elmont, NY – Shocking millions today, a disappointed Ahmed Zayat addressed the media and proclaimed his Triple Crown winning horse would not be put out to stud in the near future due to new information the horse revealed after his victory at the Belmont Stakes.

Surrounded by American Pharoah’s proud parents and a male horse later revealed as “Rusty,” a five-year-old Palomino, Zayat made the historic announcement in front of hundreds of reporters.

“American Pharoah informed us on Sunday afternoon that he is gay. We are supportive of Pharoah’s decision and all same-sex horse relationships in this country,” Zayat said. “We wish American Pharoah and Rusty all the best in the future. We are very happy that he can live his life the way he wants it…but he has informed us he will not be available to sire any sons or daughters in the future.”

American Pharoah stamped his foot on the ground once, indicating Zayat was correct. In a moment of tenderness and joy, the two horses shared a toothy kiss live on national television.

Zayat confirmed rampant rumors that have spread since the Kentucky Derby of American Pharoah’s sexuality. Media photos began to crop up after his victory at the Kentucky Derby, showing American Pharoah shopping for new horse shoes with an unidentified male friend (now known to be Rusty) at a local mall the day after the race.

Moments after Zayat’s press conference, calls started to pour into ABC complaining about the on air kiss shared between American Pharoah and Rusty. Despite the tender moment, citizens in the country who feel love should be between a horse man and horse woman only let their voices be heard.

“Last time I read my bible, it was Adam and Eve, not Adam and Mr. Ed,” Shirley Thompson of Little Rock, Arkansas said to an NBC operator. “How am I supposed to explain this to my children? It’s just disgusting.”

Despite a vocal minority, the vast majority of citizens throughout the country celebrated the momentous event and agreed it was a step forward for same-sex horse relationships everywhere.

“It was lovely. I hope American Pharoah and Rusty will have a great life together. Maybe they can adopt a few foals later down the line?” Nancy Johnson of New Hyde Park, New York, said Monday morning.

As of press time, American Pharoah and Rusty were enjoying a moment of peace in their shared stall and happily munching away on a bale of alfalfa.

BREAKING NEWS: American Pharoah tests positive for performance enhancing oats
Disgraced Triple Crown champion American Pharoah.

Disgraced Triple Crown champion American Pharoah.

Elmont, NY – Just two hours after a jubilant win at the Belmont Stakes to become the first Triple Crown champion since 1978, American Pharoah was forced to step down from the victor’s circle after testing positive for performance enhancing oats and doped carrots.

Blood testing on the disgraced animal was conducted immediately after the race and he tested positive for a number of banned substances, including steroid laced oats and carrots infused with Tetrahydrogestrinone, also known as “THG” or “The Clear.”

“He’s a bad horse. A very bad horse,” said Bob Baffert, trainer for American Pharoah.

Video also was released by the media mere minutes ago, which seems to show a shady looking horse delivering the banned substances to American Pharoah’s stall. In one moment of the video, Pharoah was shown stomping the ground twice, indicating “yes,” when asked if he would deliver 5 bales of premium alfalfa to the drug dealing animal for the substances.

As of press time American Pharoah was being transported to the nearest glue factory and awaiting trial.