Win/Loss post game scenarios for LeSean McCoy

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Shady BURSTS into the locker room, skipping and hollering into the visitor’s locker room at Lincoln Financial Field, screaming obscenities in the direction of the Eagles locker room.

“FUCK YEAH, FUCK YEAH, that’s what you  mother fuckers get when you let Shady go in the offseason, fuck this city, fuck this team, McCoy mother fucker! I am the god damn man!” he screams, slamming his helmet down onto the ground.

McCoy, so enthused at the win, starts to play air guitar to a song only he can hear.

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Sam Hinkie caught trying to make several trades out of spite

sam-hinkiePhiladelphia, PA – 76ers staff and executive had to forcibly break the door down of Sam Hinkie’s office Thursday evening, as the general manager reportedly tried to trade several members of the current roster for next to nothing.

Behind the barricaded door to his office, 76ers executives could hear Hinkie having a discussion with the Los Angeles Lakers that would have sent Jahlil Okafor to the west coast for Nick Young and a second round pick in return.

Hinkie is reportedly “not pleased” with the hiring of Jerry Colangelo, as several pundits think the move to bring on Colangelo will signal the end of Hinkie’s employment with the Sixers.

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LeSean McCoy will not shake Kelly’s hand, but has not ruled out sucking his earlobe

mccoyBuffalo, NY – Speaking to Buffalo media after practice Wednesday, LeSean McCoy doubled down on his Chip Kelly criticism and said there was no way he would shake the former coach’s hand when the Bills play the Eagles on Sunday in Philadelphia.

He did not, however, rule out sucking and nibbling on Kelly’s earlobe a bit before the game.

“Man, Chip can’t shake shit. There’s no way I shake his hand,” McCoy said. “But am I going to say I won’t slide up behind him, wrap my arms around his chest, and suck a little bit on that fat, low hanging earlobe? I’m not saying that at all.”

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Jerry Colangelo announces intentions to turn 76ers around, go to bed at 5:30 p.m.
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Full of vim and vigor.

Philadelphia, PA – Jerry Colangelo, the new Chairman of Basketball Operations for the Philadelphia 76ers, announced he will take great care in turning around the franchise that has been the subject of heavy criticism around the league.

Colangelo also announced he would take a three-hour nap from noon to 3 p.m., enjoy a lovely early-bird dinner at 4 p.m., and be ready for half-an-hour of work before calling it a night at 5:30 p.m.

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Miles Austin takes wrong route to press conference, gets intercepted by street toughs

Miles+Austin+GQ+XLV+Super+Bowl+Party+Inside+zl13BUtWc60lPhiladelphia, PA – On his way to a press conference Monday afternoon to address the media after he was cut, former Eagles wide receiver Miles Austin took an incorrect route and somehow ended up in Camden.

The befuddled wide receiver wandered through the dangerous streets for nearly 45 minutes before disappearing.

Neither team representatives or family members had any idea how Austin had gotten away from his professional handlers, who routinely have to remind him about team functions, practices, games, and specific plays after they are called for in game.

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Kelly says Eagles saving DeMarco Murray for playoffs, can’t keep straight face

092313-kelly-chip-eagles-600Foxborough, Mass – Following the improbable 35-28 victory over the mighty New England Patriots, Chip Kelly had to answer questions following the win on why he decided to limit or even outright bench running back DeMarco Murray for nearly the entire second half.

When asked head on why Murray sat in favor of veteran Darren Sproles and relative unknown Kenjon Barner in the biggest game of the year, keen observers noticed a faint smile creep up on the corners of Kelly’s mouth.

“We’re…umm….saving him for the playoffs. Yeah, that’s the ticket!” Kelly said.

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Las Vegas odds makers have Patriots as slight 56-point favorite over Eagles

philadelphia_eagles_logo_4008Las Vegas, Nevada – Following a flurry of late money bet on Philadelphia, Las Vegas sport books currently have the injury riddled Patriots as a slight 56-point favorite over the Eagles during this weekends game.

“The Patriots are banged up right now and coming off of their first loss. We certainly took that into account when we set the line for this game. We think it’s a fair line,” said Caesars Bookmaker Todd Fuhrman.

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76ers hire Thunderlips as a bodyguard for Jahlil Okafor

thunderlipsPhiladelphia, PA – To ensure the talented, but immature, Jahlil Okafor does not get into anymore trouble and put himself into negative situations, the 76ers announced Thursday morning that  three-year deal has been struck with Thunderlips, the ultimate male, to be his bodyguard.

“To all my love slaves out there, Thunderlips is here! In the flesh, baby! The ultimate male,” he said, stroking his luscious blonde hair.

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Kobe Bryant: Philadelphia has great fans, women who can keep secrets

vkyxu4eql8175ugmyjgyPhiladelphia, PA – Kobe Bryant, a sure first-ballot hall of famer, met with the media before playing his final game in Philadelphia after announcing he would retire at the end of the season.

The oft-vilified Bryant was all smiles as he described how much he would miss the city, its fans, and its tight-lipped women.

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God: Yes, I am punishing Philadelphia, but not for cutting Tebow

Cima_da_Conegliano,_God_the_FatherThe Afterlife – High atop a throne of clouds, God, ruler of all things Holy, commented on a recent Reddit thread that asked if fans believed he was “punishing” the City of Philadelphia’s sport teams for cutting Tim Tebow.

The thread, which can be seen here, has garnered hundreds of responses from local fans.

God vehemently denied said rumors, but mentioned he was “most certainly punishing” Philadelphia.

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