Free post day! Free post day!
Too easy. Sure I could sit here and make dumb jokes on my computer and you could send me hate mail and virus laden emails, as is the norm, but Ruben Amaro decides to go insane and spout this gem of a quote in a recent interview:
File Photo: Coggin Toboggan founder nearly kicking David Letterman in the face.
To take a moment off from discussing the banality and pointlessness of Philadelphia sports, I’d like to reminisce a bit about the one and only appearance I ever made on Late Night with David Letterman.
The conference room table at the delightful Coggin Toboggan HQ.
Bill Simmons is leaving ESPN and The Coggin Toboggan is throwing itself into the fray to court the media giant. Simmons must get like 200 to 300 views a day on the articles he writers for ESPN and Grantland, so it would be an absolute coup to snatch him up and have him exclusively write for The Coggin Toboggan.
As the current Editor in Chief, I can assure you, Bill, I will be as hands off as any boss you’ve ever worked with. Frankly, you’ll go weeks without seeing me in the office, as I’ll be too busy slipping in and out of drunken stupors and defending myself against the countless cases of sexual harassment leveled against me from female and male employees alike.
We like the cut of your jib, I’ll be honest. You’ll have the freedom here to write about whatever you like, as long as you pass our rigorous editing/ethics test and work your way up from an internship first.
Sure we may not be able to pay you as much as ESPN, but I do assure you we can make this deal beneficial for all parties involved.
As founder, I can assure you the following if you sign a 10-year contract with us today. This deal will be taken off the (above) table if you do not sign with us by the stroke of midnight:
– A salary UPWARDS of $35,000 a year, depending on bonuses and ads sold.
– Your very own chair. Currently, CT employees rotate the three office chairs among the thousands of employees in the building every 10 minutes. I can assure you that you will have your very own beach and/or picnic chair.
– An office located as far away as possible from the one hallway here that is deeply infested with bats.
– An Apple Newton for your professional use.
– A coupon book from me filled to the brim with valuable offers. IE: One free backrub, one free shoulder massage, one full body massage with/without a happy ending.
– A personal key to the executive outhouse.
– No charge if you decide to take a deep inhale from the company ether rag.
Bill, I think you’ll find this offer more than fair and I can GUARANTEE no other website will come close to what we will give you.
Welcome to the winning team.
(Please listen to the above while reading this article. It will put you in the correct mindset and help you understand exactly what went on in the offices today)
Cinco de Mayo office parties at the Coggin Toboggan are banned forever. It’s not even 1 p.m. and the local police department has already been to the office three times…the last time they brought a wagon and packed in about 15 writers and four editors, vowing to prosecute them to the fullest extent of the law.
Here at The Coggin Toboggan, we try to foster a sense of community and family among our writers, reports, editors and photographers who sometimes spend long, long hours producing the award winning and respected material that you read here on a daily basis.
We’ve been putting in a lot of hours recently, especially with the recent Les Bowen Eagles showering scandal that rocked this city to it’s core two weeks ago, so as editor in chief I decided it was high time to let our hair down and have some fun in the office.
So, to brighten morale, I decided to institute The Coggin Toboggan’s very first “Bring your Crab to work” program earlier this week. Employees were encouraged to bring their crabs to our office to show them the ropes and let them see what mommy and daddy do on a daily basis.
We’ve compiled some of the best pictures from the event and we hope you enjoy them as much as we enjoyed having them scuttling around the office.
Jameis Winston was not invited to the event, for obvious reasons! HAHAHAHA, oh god we have fun here.
Jimmy the crab.
Ahh Jimmy, you side-stepped your way into everyone’s heart at the CT. This feisty young fella was brought by Jane in accounting, who would NOT stop talking about their recent trip to Fire Island. He was the toast of the town that weekend, she assured us as much.
Sarah the crab.
Aww who’s a good girl!? It’s Sarah, that’s who! This adorable little girl enjoyed having her tummy rubbed by just about everyone in the editing department.
Herbert the crab.
Gah!! Herbert you rascal. This diva loved the close-up pictures we took of him frolicking through the mens room and swimming through the salad dressing at the salad bar in the employee cafeteria.
Susie the crab.
Not Suze or Susan, but Susie! This energetic girl had a great day popping in and out of cubicles and searching for mites in the parking lot.
Brutus the crab.
What a good boy! Brutus had himself a bit of an incident as he crawled up on the back of Larry from accounting, who had fallen asleep at his desk. When Larry woke up and found this guy snuggling against his bald head, he would NOT stop screaming. What a day!
Well that was it. It was a success all around, we think, and something we’ll definitely be doing again next year.
Stay tuned next month, as The Coggin Toboggan will be hosting its first”Bring your Diarrhea-laden Dog to work day!” It should be explosive!
Philadelphia, PA – It’s an exciting night for Philadelphia, as weeks of tension and debate have led to this moment and this event that will undoubtedly leave thousands of rabid Philadelphia fans on the edge of their seats, clutching their remotes and hanging on every word.
There are a number of different scenarios that could happen tonight, so why don’t we take a moment to just run over some things that have happened in the past weeks and see where we could all end up?
This is currently what I’m doing in Chicago while I’m here for my job.
She’s not right Martin …. Yes she is. ::slam::
Fuck and yes. I couldn’t go an entire day without posting something to the Coggin, would Chief Brody approve? Of course he wouldn’t. Did he moan and pout when the little Kitner boy was attacked and killed in Amity when he should have closed the beaches? Of course he didn’t…he got shitfaced drunk and accompanied Matt Hooper out on his boat and found the wreckage of Ben Gardner’s sloop.
He wouldn’t whine about being on a work trip, he’d just spout something witty, maybe something like, “You’re going to need a bigger boat” and then get over it.
By far the best movie ever. If you’re going to be a fan of the Coggin and tell me you’ve never seen Jaws, I will immediately ban you from this blog.
SMILE YOU SON OF A BITCH … we’ll be back tomorrow.
Kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss!
We’re not above the hate. Go fuck yourself Grayson Allen
It seems like Grayson Allen is the poster boy for the Duke championship last night and it has people in a furor throughout this country. Posts, tweets, articles are being written about the freshman who willed the Blue Devils to victory.
Every big basket out of nowhere, followed by his tinny scream and flex celebration made us at the Coggin want to put our fists through our televisions in our tin shacks. What a little smug piece of shit. God, of COURSE Coach K brought him in and we’ll have to watch him scream and smack the court for the next three seasons.
Now, at the Coggin we never wish ill will on a player, but I’ve never hoped for someone to lose his stroke more than I have with Grayson Allen. No physical harm, mind you, but perhaps he becomes a mental case like Chuck Knoblauch in the early 2000s when he couldn’t throw to first base and it ruined his career.
Can you imagine? Perhaps he has a day on the court where he notices he keeps hitting the top of the backboard. No matter what he does, he just can’t make a show. Hours of practice, one-on-one instruction with Coach K, intensive sports psychiatry, it just wouldn’t work.
It puts a smile on your face, the thought of it.
Get a better haircut as well, you Alfalfa looking piece of garbage.
Sorry Phanatic, you’re going to hell.
I have read this article ever year on Opening Day for the past five seasons. It might be, and I quote, the single greatest thing I have ever read involving Christianity and Philadelphia baseball. Every single time I read it, I marvel at how much joy I’m able to garner from someone that has a vastly different worldview than I do.
Please, before reading the horrible things I have to say, go read it for yourself. It’s acceptable to be a Phillies Phanatic but a fanatic about Jesus? Not so much. by Lisa Small.
Furkan, why are you doing this to us? You put up a sterling 11 point, 10 rebound game against the Cleveland Cavaliers, one of the top NBA teams in the country, and you’re announced as the starting center for the rest of the year, yet you STILL ignore our requests for an interview.
The Coggin has been firmly behind you since your arrival to the Philadelphia 76ers so many months ago. The mystery, the intrigue surrounding you as a player was just too much to ignore. We jumped on the Furkan trade first and have been riding it to glory ever since.
Your fabulous beard, your even greater neckbeard, and a seemingly incoherent ability on the court drew us to you. But now you’re putting us all to shame, showing that you actually do belong on an NBA court. You’ve gained the trust of Head Coach Brett Brown and you’re starting EVERY game from here on out to the end of the season.
But look at this Tweet:
Ok, @furkanaldemir19, you’re playing hardball. so we’re centering our coverage today around YOU.
We centered an entire day’s coverage around you, Furkan! We believed in you before any of these other jamokes even knew who you were!
So lets face facts here. Don’t take this as a threat, but if you don’t eventually come on the site for one of our hard hitting and ground breaking interviews, we might have to reduce our number of articles on you to just 30 next season, instead of the seemingly thousands we wrote in the past three months.
The Coggin Toboggan 