BREAKING NEWS

Josh Innes thrilled he no longer has to wear pants to work

Josh Innes reminding himself he no longer has to wear pants into the office. (Photo credit: Philly.com)

Philadelphia, PA – Following the decision yesterday of co-host Tony Bruno stepping down from the 94 WIP afternoon drive show he had worked on for several months, remaining host Josh Innes expressed his regret that the venerable and experienced Bruno had decided to retire from the sports talk radio format.

However, Innes did see one positive in the situation, as he ceremoniously unbuttoned his strained jeans and threw them into the garbage the second he was in the WIP studio.

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BREAKING NEWS: Chase Utley responds to Ruben Amaro Jr.’s comments

One day after Ruben Amaro Jr. declared Chase Utley was no longer the starting second baseman for the Phillies going forward, our Coggin Toboggan reporters picked up snippets of a private conversation held between the two men. Utley and Amaro discussed the second baseman’s future and exchanged thoughts on where the organization would go with him in the future.

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Vin Scully rips into Phillies with dulcet, soothing tones

He’s real tired of the Phillies shit.

Philadelphia, PA – Vin Scully, a legend in broadcasting, eloquently ripped the Phillies play into shreds last night, almost as if he was offended the worst team in baseball had dared desecrate the game he has devoted over six decades of his life.

“It’s time for Dodger baseball! Hi, everybody, and a very pleasant good evening to you, wherever you may be. Tonight our beloved Dodgers will take on the Philadelphia Phillies, an affront to everything we love about this grand old game, in first of a four game series,” Scully said to open the game.

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Carli Lloyd signs most lucrative women’s soccer endorsement deal of all time

A very happy Carli Lloyd, who will spend the next three years installing carpets in strangers homes.

Canada – Following the U.S. Women’s victory at the 2015 FIFA World Cup, star forward and South Jersey native Carli Lloyd signed a 3 year, $15,000 endorsement deal with Empire Today, the national carpet and hardwood flooring company, making her the richest female soccer player of all time.

“It’s an honor. 588-2300, Empire! Today!” Lloyd said, beaming after the victory against Japan.

Empire Today Chief Executive Officer Keith Weinberger said it was a “no brainer” to sign Lloyd to the deal.

“After her hat trick in the first half, I was on the phone with her agent at halftime hammering out the deal. She’ll make a few personal appearances, install a carpet or two, hammer down some linoleum floors and we’ll be all good. Of course, she’ll be doing so in her USA jersey and soccer cleats. It’s a pretty sweet deal,” he said.

Lloyd will spend the next three years installing carpet and hardwood flooring in strangers homes.

The endorsement deal pushed her past the previous soccer legend Mia Hamm, who signed a 3 year, $10,000 deal with Rent-A-Wreck after her 1999 World Cup victory.

As of press time, Lloyd reportedly asked out of the deal, claiming the Empire Today jingle had been stuck in her head for the past 24 hours.

Hinkie: We made Mr. Divac an offer he couldn’t refuse

Sacramento, CA – Speaking from a sprawling chalet just outside of Sacramento, Sam Hinkie told reporters Thursday morning the decision to “nudge” Sacramento Kings Vlade Divac, vice president of basketball and franchise operations, into a better state of mind paid off greatly with the 76ers acquisition of Nik Stauskas for next to nothing.

“I’m happy Mr. Divac finally came around to our way of thinking. It’s so much better when things work out for everything, isn’t it Mr. Aldemir?” Hinkie said, handing 76ers power forward Furkan Aldemir an empty cappuccino cup.

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Pronger contract livid it was traded to Phoenix

Philadelphia, PA – After four days since being traded, Chris Pronger’s contract broke its silence and lambasted the Flyers for trading it to Phoenix.

“Phoenix, are you fucking kidding me? Phoenix of all places….it’s like being traded to Siberia. What have I done to deserve this? Hextall, if I ever see you again I’m going to give you the biggest paper cut,” The $4.9 million contract said. “And you trade me there with Nicklas Grossman? No way in hell I’m sharing a flight out there with that mouth breather.”

The contract proceeded to break a wooden desk to pieces in front of several stunned reporters.

Stephen Whyno, an NHL reporter and analyst, said the Phoenix Coyotes have had their eyes on the contract for years and believe he still has a lot to bring to the table.

“The contract instantly becomes the most valuable piece of their organization…and I’m not saying that in a figurative way, it is literally more valuable than anything they have. The arena they play in was recently assessed at just $1.2 million,” he said.

Despite its insistence it would not play for Phoenix, team representatives fully expect it to be on ice at the start of training camp.

As of press time, the embattled contract was mulling over whether it should set itself on fire or actually make the trip to the desert.

Interim manager Pete Mackanin strengths/weaknesses

Third-base coach Pete Mackanin has found himself thrust into the limelight this week, as he was named interim manager for the Philadelphia Phillies and will likely finish out the rest of the year after Ryne Sandberg stepped down last week.

Casual fans might not know too much about the former third-base coach, so The Coggin Toboggan has gathered several strengths and weaknesses of the newest manager of the Philadelphia Phillies.

Strengths:

– Will be able to let teammates know exactly where they can find third base is in just about every stadium.

– His experience as a former bench coach will give him intimate knowledge of the literal BEST seat in the house for the Phillies dugout. Will be able to now pass down his wisdom to young athletes.

– His horn-rimmed glasses game is strong, second to only Chicago Cubs manager Joe Maddon.

– His slick backed, grey hair will likely drive the ladies of Philadelphia wild, a definite upgrade over Sandberg.

– Has promised to teach Cole Hamels how to pitch overhand on one of his days off.

Weaknesses:

– Has actually never seen an entire game. Left in the seventh inning of every single game he’s ever coached to “beat the traffic.”

– Coached the Montreal Expos from 1997 to 2000.

– Has yet to reveal to organization he has had two glass eyes since 2009.

– Has the full backing and support of Ruben Amaro Jr.

– Was once described as a “belly itcher” by an opposing athlete, has yet to get over it.

Ryne Sandberg finds employment as a Philadelphia waste management employee

The newest member of the Philadelphia waste management division.

Philadelphia, PA – After resigning in stunning fashion last Friday, baseball hall of famer Ryne Sandberg reportedly was hired by the city as a seasonal waste management employee.

He began his route this morning as part of a three man garbage crew with a 35 block radius in South Philadelphia. The ex-manager’s duties include hoisting garbage cans up to his shoulder and disposing of the detritus into the back of the garbage trucks in a timely and efficient manner.

After one day on the job, Sandberg described it as “the most fulfilling and enjoyable job I’ve had in the past two years.”

“It’s amazing how great this job can be. I’ve forgotten how nice it is to wake up in the morning and not dread going to work,” Sandberg said in mid trash can dump, garbage juice trickling down from the can onto his bare neck.

Sandberg said it’s been a “joy” to sift through thrown away baby diapers to reach the recyclables a careless Philadelphia citizen had mixed in with his or her smelly garbage.

“The other day I found a really sweet radio that wasn’t even broken. My boss, Hank (Machinelli) let me keep it. More than Amaro gave me in two years, cheap bastard,” Sandberg said, fecal matter smeared over his face and jumpsuit.

As of press time, Sandberg has reportedly signed a three-year deal with the city of Philadelphia, leading 95% of the remainign Phillies employees to experience pangs of jealousy.

Philadelphia absolutely buzzing about the draft

Philadelphia, PA – Philadelphia is frenetic today as all minds are on the draft. Little work is likely being done, as employees everywhere are keeping their eyes on their bosses as they surf the internet to gobble up as much information as they can on the local sports scene.

Yes ladies and gentlemen, it’s the most EXCITING day of the year.

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Newest 76er Jahlil Okafor trashes greenroom after draft interview

Brooklyn, NY – Smiling for the cameras and an interview with ESPN, newest 76er Jahlil Okafor vehemently denied reports his agent asked Philadelphia to not draft the Duke center, as he did not want to be part of a rebuilding process with the organization.

“No, no that’s absolutely false. I am thrilled to be with the Philadelphia 76ers and I cannot wait to begin my career with such a storied franchise. I am beyond happy to get on the court next year and help this team become the best it can be. Will you excuse me for just a minute?” Okafor said, abruptly ending his draft interview with an ESPN draft reporter.

The smiling Okafor calmly walked into a greenroom and closed the door, after which several observers said they heard loud crashes and a number of highly offensive expletives coming from the staging area.

“Whyyyyy, whyyyyyyyy, WHYYYYYYYYYYY! FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!” Okafor was heard screaming from the room.

After several minutes of yelling, smashing, and what sounded like quiet sobbing, the still smiling Okafor exited the greenroom and said he just needed a few minutes to reflect on the momentous night.