Sam Hinkie

Just sit back and enjoy each 76ers loss, the most entertaining team in the city

I’ve watched 16 minutes of the first period of the Flyers game against the Edmonton Oilers, who are 4-8, and have outshot the Flyers by 16-2 so far.

The Eagles are so bad this season the fan base practically begged the Eagles to seriously consider parting ways with draft picks to trade for Colin Kaepernick. Kaepernick was benched this week in favor of backup QB Blaine Gabbert, the very same Blaine Gabbert who has thrown more interceptions in his professional career than touchdowns.

They want him to replace Sam Bradford. Bradford has the longest sleeves in the NFL. That’s the only positive you can mention about him this season.

It’s going to be a shitty winter. Perhaps Phil Connors said it best, “I’ll give you a winter prediction: It’s gonna be cold, it’s gonna be grey, and it’s gonna last you for the rest of your life.”

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Hinkie congratulates Okafor on fabulous debut, trades him to New York

Boston, Mass – Jahlil Okafor had his coming out party last night, scoring 26 points and snatching 7 rebounds in a 95-112 loss to the Boston Celtics, showcasing the offensive prowess that attracted so many teams to him in the NBA Draft.

76ers GM Sam Hinkie addressed the media after the game and was over the moon about Okafor’s performance.

“Jahlil showed everyone tonight why he had so much attention going into the 2015 draft. He absolutely dominated the low post and the center of the floor tonight, he was everything we expected and much, much more,” the beaming Hinkie said. “Which is why this next announcement is so hard for us to make.”

Hinkie revealed the 76ers traded Okafor after the game to the New York Knicks for center Lou Amundson and a second round pick in 2017.

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BREAKING NEWS: Furkan Aldemir will not leave 76ers practice facility

Philadelphia, PA – Rumors coming out of the 76ers front office today are claiming that recently cut Turkish athlete Furkan Aldemir will not leave the practice facility and has shown up for team meetings as if nothing has happened.

Aldemir showed up this morning as his confused teammates looked on, pulling an obviously homemade 76ers practice jersey over his head as he stood directly behind his old locker, which was now occupied by rookie forward Christian Wood.

“He just kind of showed up and everyone went silent. He was shaking hands with everyone as he laced up his sneakers and pulled on a jersey that said ‘Philadelfia basketbal 76erz’. He obviously made it last night, it definitely is not official. I guess he forgot he was cut? I don’t know, I’m not telling him.” the nervous Wood said after Aldemir went to use the restroom before practice.

Wood told reporters he found several scimitars, a silver carafe filled with a foreign looking bubbling substance, and several pelts of unknown animals left behind in Aldemir’s locker.

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76ers announce worst signing in history of franchise

Ahhhhh!

The Coggin Toboggan has an anonymous, high ranking source in the Philadelphia 76ers front office willing to provide the blog with all of the up to date moves Sixers GM Sam Hinkie makes during the season. The CT will keep its readers updated on all of the trades, free agent signings and special promotions the 76ers have planned for the future.

The Coggin Toboggan has long been a fan of Sam Hinkie’s “process” as it has become to be known in Philadelphia, but we just cannot get behind his decision to sign this horrific young man to a one-year deal.

Yesterday, Sam Hinkie (sigh) announced the signing of Simon Birch to a one-year contract.

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What’s the deal with Joel Embiid and Harper Lee?!

Jerry Seinfeld checks in with the Toboggan every now and again to provide a hot take about Philadelphia sports, the way only a neurotic Jewish comedian can. For best results, please read the following in a stereotypical Jerry Seinfeld 90s voice.

What’s the deal with Joel Embiid and his gimpy foot? One day you’re riding a Phunkee Duck through the city of Philadelphia, and the next day you’re sitting out for the rest of the year because you rebroke your foot! He’s broken his foot more times than Wayne Knight has had to refill his diabetes medication! I hated anyone who had a pony!

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REPORT: Joel Embiid getting fitted for peg leg

Philadelphia, PA – Reports coming out of the 76ers front office this morning are showing Joel Embiid suffered another injury to his oft-injured right foot.

While the medical information is differing, there were numerous reports this morning Embiid’s leg had been amputated beneath the knee sometime in the past month and was being fitted for a peg leg this afternoon.

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Sam Hinkie puts down Joel Embiid in parking lot behind Wells Fargo Center

RIP

Philadelphia, PA – Not wanting to see the beloved Joel Embiid in pain any longer, Sam Hinkie learned how cruel the world could be and what it means to be a grown up.

“You know it’s the right thing to do Sam. If you love him, you won’t let him suffer any longer,” 76ers Managing Owner Josh Harris told the crying Hinkie, as he handed him a loaded double-barreled Remington shotgun.

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Hinkie: We made Mr. Divac an offer he couldn’t refuse

Sacramento, CA – Speaking from a sprawling chalet just outside of Sacramento, Sam Hinkie told reporters Thursday morning the decision to “nudge” Sacramento Kings Vlade Divac, vice president of basketball and franchise operations, into a better state of mind paid off greatly with the 76ers acquisition of Nik Stauskas for next to nothing.

“I’m happy Mr. Divac finally came around to our way of thinking. It’s so much better when things work out for everything, isn’t it Mr. Aldemir?” Hinkie said, handing 76ers power forward Furkan Aldemir an empty cappuccino cup.

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76ers 2015 draft preview

Tomorrow night is a pivotal moment for the future of the 76ers. Holding the 3rd overall pick in the 2015 draft, GM Sam Hinkie has several big decisions to make which will impact the direction the franchise goes in for the next 5 years.

Will the 76ers stay at the 3rd pick? Will they trade up to acquire coveted point guard D’Angelo Russell, or will they trade down to accrue even more picks in a heavy draft?

Whatever the decision, The Coggin Toboggan has taken a look at some of the intangibles of the potential players whom may fall to the 76ers.

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Ahhhh nuts, on to winter I guess

Please sign him, Ruben.

No Dario Saric next year, Joel Embiid’s foot fell off last week (or so I’ve heard) and the Lakers may draft D’Angelo Russell, ruining literally MINUTES of work I put in on Twitter to interview the kid.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Philadelphia sports scene moving into the depths of summer. Did you know yesterday was the official first day of summer? I bet you didn’t, but it’s all downhill from here folks until we find ourselves in another dank, dark, depressing Northeast winter.

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