Philadelphia

Gov. Chris Christie lasts several hours in Polar Plunge

Chris Christie, moments before plunging into the Atlantic Ocean and heading South for the winter.

Sea Isle, NJ – As thousands flocked to Sea Isle this past Saturday for the annual Polar Plunge to test their wills against frigid temperatures, they were delighted to see a number of local celebrities taking part in the celebration.

Eagles center Jason Kelce frolicked in the surf with the brave citizens who took brief, but impressive, dips in the 35 degree water. However, it wasn’t Kelce who won the day, but current Governor Chris Christie, who was seen swimming in the water for upwards of three hours after the event concluded.

“He’s a beast. I mean that figuratively and quite literally, actually,” Kelce said, as he stood on the shoreline and watched the governor impressively breach from the water and then dive back down several times. “He’s been out there for hours. See all those seagulls flying above him? They’ve been following him ever since he’s been out there.”

Several boats carrying hundreds of passengers sailed up to where the governor was swimming and stayed a respective distance away, letting the passengers snap photographs and ooh and ahh whenever Christie broke the surface of the water.

Nobody participating in the plunge could recall seeing the governor on the beach prior to the start of the event.

“Around this time of year, Governor Christie will take to the sea and swim down coast in search of fertile hunting grounds,” a media relations employee told reporters crowded on the beach.

“We’ll let him stay in for a few hours, eat his weight in krill, and then drive him back up the coast to Trenton on an 18-wheeler flatbed when he gets tired. We’ll make sure to keep him nice and wet during the trip back up to the capital office,” he said.

Kimmo Timonen’s blood clots announce comeback

Philadelphia, PA – As Kimmo Timonen returned to the ice this past week to skate and possibly practice with the team, several blood clots in his right calf announced it was time to mount a comeback.

“We feel this is what’s best for us in terms of getting back out there and giving it all we’ve got. Really, I don’t feel like we can be stopped at this point and we’re going to make an incredible splash when all is said and done,” the gelatinous lump of platelets said.

Since Timonen has started to prep for a return to the ice, the clots knew they would have a bigger impact once the lights were at their brightest. Despite suffering what could be described as a final setback due to several combinations of medication, the clots are ready to come back to the forefront in Timonen’s life.

“Kimo really has shown a lot of heart through this entire endeavor, so we figured we’d show as much fight as he is and make one last run here,” the clot said. “Ironically, we’re going to his heart, so hopefully this will work out for everyone.”

As of press time, the clot was making slow, but steady, progress and was hoping to reach it’s final goal by the middle of next week.

Eagles unsure of how Riley Cooper was elected team representative to NAACP

Philadelphia, PA – The Eagles were stunned to learn Thursday evening that Riley Cooper was somehow elected to be the team’s representative to the local NAACP Philadelphia chapter.

Just hours after an NFL licensed calendar was released with Cooper representing the month of February, the local chapter leaders of the NAACP demanded the team’s representative attend the next meeting to discuss the insensitivity of the publication. After rifling through several papers, Eagles owner Jeffrey Lurie was shocked to learn Cooper had been given the designation just this past December.

“I have no idea how it happened. I guess we needed someone and he just kind of got thrown in there. God, that is going to be so awkward,” he told a group of reporters.

As the team’s liaison to the civil rights organization, Cooper is expected to attend the next several meetings and discuss the indignity of being the player on the February page of the calendar.

“We probably should have thought better and maybe elected someone else…but we can’t do too much about it now. Fuck me, we are so screwed. I’m already having our media relations employees draft up several iterations of an apology letter I’m sure we’ll have to be releasing to the public soon.”

As of press time, Cooper was seen purchasing large quantities of FUBU clothing to, as the wide receiver put it, “just fit in at the meeting.”

In wake of DNC announcement, city forces cancellation of 2016 Phillies season

Philadelphia, PA – On the heels of the announcement that the Democratic National Convention will be held in Philadelphia 2016, city officials announced a massive cleanup of the city would commence, with the goal of eliminating Philadelphia’s worst blights before being thrust into the national spotlight.

As part of improving the city’s image and making it less embarrassing, Mayor Michael Nutter revealed the city has officially cancelled the Philadelphia Phillies 2016 season.

“We want to put our best foot forward when the leaders of the Democratic party come to our fair city next year. While we do understand this might be a disappointment for the dozens of Phillies fans throughout the area, we feel this will be what’s best for business,” Nutter said.

A similar decision was made in 2000 when the Republican National Convention was held in Philadelphia. Admiral Wilson Boulevard, a gateway into the city from New Jersey, went through a beautification process and the varied strip clubs and hourly rate motels were shuttered and closed.

“Just like in 2000 when we didn’t want some of the most powerful politicians in the country driving past lewd and embarrassing businesses when they came into Philadelphia, we don’t want the leaders of America driving past Citizens Bank Park and seeing the dreck and affronts to human decency taking place their throughout the summer,” Nutter said.

Nutter said politicians such as Hillary Clinton and Cory Booker do not need to see that nonsense during their stay in Philadelphia.

“This is supposed to be a nice visit for these politicians, not a brutal test of will the Phillies put us through each and every horrific year,” he said.

In addition to the cancellation of the season, Nutter said Ruben Amaro Jr. will be forced to spend the entirety of the DNC in a bomb shelter below city hall.

Phillies spring training equipment list addendum leaks to media

Clearwater, Fla – The Philadelphia Phillies released an official list to the media last week detailing the extensive amount of equipment the organization is shipping from Philadelphia to Clearwater for the upcoming 2015 Spring Training.

The CT was able to snag an addendum list of equipment the organization wants to keep from the media. Here is what the Phillies will also be shipping down to Clearwater for the organization and its athletes.

2015 Equipment List:

• 6 cases of Jim Bean and a renewal subscription for Hustler Magazine (Larry Andersen)

• Lifetime membership to Morrie’s wigs (Chris Wheeler)

• Several contacts for financial managers (Ryan Howard)

• 15 crates of horn rimmed glasses (Scott Franzke)

• 1 pair of gator skin boots and 25 corn cob pipes (Charlie Manuel)

• 1 red little league outfielder’s glove (Ben Revere)

• Several round trip tickets to Reading, Pennsylvania. No expiration date. (Darin Ruf)

• 1 “Hello my name is” sticker. (Aaron Altherr)

• 1 muzzle (Jonathan Papelbon)

• 1 pink slip (Ruben Amaro Jr.)

The Long Island Medium outed as fraud after predicting 90 win Phillies season

Theresa Caputo, “The Long Island Medium,” in her natural state.

Long Island, NY – Theresa Caputo, better known as the “Long Island Medium” to her fans, was recently proven to be a fraud when a grainy YouTube video surfaced of her at a Phillies employees retreat, which saw the famed psychic predicting the Phillies would win 90 games.

“I see at least 90 wins in your future,” Caputo was seen telling Ruben Amaro Jr., who promptly handed her a large, bulging sack affixed with a money sign.

National backlash poured in after a Phillies employee leaked the video under the account “LA69.” The video currently has over 5 million views and 4.8 million dislikes.

“I loved her show and she gave me a reading several years ago which was just amazing,” said Theresa Cantoloni, of Northern Liberties. “I mean, how would she have ever known that my mother had unfinished business left on earth when she passed away? That’s not something you just know, ok? But after I saw her declaring the Phillies would win 90 games, well, that was just it for me. She’s a fraud and I hate her.”

In response to the video, TLC immediately took all showings of “Long Island Medium” off the air and replaced them with reruns of “7th Heaven,” citing the show’s lead Stephen Collins was “less offensive” than Caputo.

“It’s sickening. How could we have been duped by such an obvious fake?” said Eileen O’Neill, President of Discovery Communications. “To make such a blatantly false prediction, it’s just awful. I’ve been vomiting all night.”

An Open Public Records Act form sent to the Phillies was returned to the CT, which revealed Ruben Amaro Jr. paid Caputo $2.7 million for the appearance.

(Note: Since Mediums are notoriously fickle, the CT would like to stress that this is a work of satire and nobody knows for sure if Caputo is a dirty swindler who preys on the innocent minded)

Flyers sign Dan McCord to shore up goalie situation and avoid Sudden Death

My god look at the flexibility.

Philadelphia, PA – Philadelphia Flyers GM Ron Hextall announced Wednesday morning the Flyers have come to an agreement with free agent goalie Dan McCord, who last appeared in an NHL game in 1995 for the Pittsburgh Penguins in game 7 of the Stanley Cup Championship against the Chicago Blackhawks.

A Canadian-born firefighter, McCord appeared in one game in his career and faced exactly one shot, a clean breakaway save, before he initiated a bench clearing brawl and disappeared off the ice. As the media later found out, McCord was foiling a plot masterminded by ex-federal employee Joshua Foss, who threatened to blow up the Pittsburgh’s arena, the Igloo, if millions of dollars were not transferred into several offshore accounts of his choosing.

At the game with his son and daughter, McCord learned of the plot after his daughter was kidnapped by a terrorist disguised as the mascot of Penguins. He later disposed of the mascot during an all out brawl in the arena’s underground kitchen with a combination of Kung Fu and cunning.

“McCord is a hero, a real Canadian hero, and he also has the highest save percentage of any goalie to ever make an appearance in the 7th game of a Stanley Cup,” Hextall said. “Plus, did you hear about how he shoved a broken chicken bone into one of those thugs carotid arteries? Oh man, that is so awesome. Totally boss.”

McCord and his children.

While trying to hide from several of the terrorists, McCord entered the Penguins locker room where Pittsburgh goalie Tom Barrasso was suffering from a severe fever. McCord was able to strip Barrasso of his equipment and change into it to avoid detection, even making his way out to the Pittsburgh bench where he was promptly inserted into the game and made his fabulous save to preserve the game for the Penguins.

“That was more than enough to convince us that McCord was the right man for the job. Well, that, and also when he fashioned a homemade dart gun and hid it up his sleeve, using it to shoot a terrorist in the neck when he was in a tight jam. He is the best,” Hextall said.

McCord was scheduled to be at the Flyers morning practice, but was reportedly seen running into the basement of the Wells Fargo Center with a knapsack of plastic explosives and an AK47 strapped across his shoulders.

Dan McCord career stats:

Games played – 1

Save percentage – 100%

GAA – 0.00

Shots faced – 1

Terrorists foiled – 10+

Mascots kicked into a dishwasher and strangled – 1

Federal agents turned bad and set on fire – 1

Broken chicken bones shoved into necks – 1

Days saved – 1

The DVD cover of the documentary based on McCord’s exploits.

76ers new mascot a social commentary on dangers of dog breeding

A horrific visage of dog inbreeding, Franklin is the newest 76ers mascot.

Philadelphia, PA – The 76ers unveiled their new mascot today at the Franklin Institute, as Franklin the Dog made his grand appearance in front of a herd of young children. The cheerful blue dog will also carry a powerful message, said 76ers General Manager Sam Hinkie, as it will seek to educate families and children on the horrendous side effects of dog inbreeding and over breeding.

“Our happy go lucky mascot Franklin will delight fans of all ages, but also take time to educate and display the dangers of so-called puppy mills throughout the country,” Hinkie said. “You’ll notice he walks with a noticeable limp, a common symptom of hip dysplasia that plagues inbred dogs.”

As Franklin tumbled and played with the children, he randomly would snap at the unsuspecting imps, displaying the mood swings and unpredictability of an inbred animal.

“Hell, even the color of Franklin is a commentary on designer dogs. Did you think we were doing it to be cute? Well, maybe on one level, but it’s all about education with us,” Hinkie said.

Hinkie said during games when not entertaining fans at center court, Franklin would be traveling through the arena distributing graphic pamphlets highlighting the dangers of not getting your animals spayed or neutered.

Franklin the Dog narrowly beat out Harry the Horse, an overexerted, heat-stricken Cydesdale doomed to spend the rest of his days pulling a handsome cab through the city.

Dave Schultz snubbed at the Grammys

Another year, another loss for The Hammer.

Los Angeles, CA – For 38th year in a row, Dave “The Hammer” Schultz came up short at the Grammy Awards for his hit single “The Penalty Box.”

The once beloved NHL goon recorded the smash single in 1977, stepping out of his comfort zone and singing a catchy ditty about his experiences in the penalty box during an NHL game.

Schultz was once again nominated for Song of the Year, Best Pop Vocal Album and Best Pop Solo Performance for the 38th year in a row. Unfortunately for The Hammer, he was snubbed yet again for a Grammy.

“The biggest regret of my professional hockey career is not winning a Grammy. Every year I come in as the favorite, every year I leave empty handed to spend out the rest of my days in the penalty box,” Schultz said, dejectedly.

“Baby, how long will you keep me in the penalty box? Oh It’s lonely in the penalty box. I know I broke the rules, but rules are broken by fools,” Schultz quotes from his hit single.

You be the judge….did he deserve to capture a Grammy this year?

97.5 the Fan’s Mike Missanelli apologizes for Dean Smith tweet

Mike Missanelli is in trouble again for some controversial tweets about deceased UNC head coach Dean Smith.

Philadelphia, PA – Controversial sports talk host Mike Missanelli apologized Sunday afternoon after he published several insensitive tweets following the death of college basketball legend Dean Smith.

At 11:15 a.m. Sunday morning, Missanelli posted a tweet from his account @MikeyMiss975 that several University of North Carolina fans found insulting.

“@MikeyMiss975 – Hey UNC fans: Time to put Dean Smith into the ground, because he is TOAST.”

Missanelli said Smith was not dead at the time of his tweet, and only posted the message when he saw an update on a news ticker in downtown Philadelphia.

“Look, say what you will, but when I tweeted about Dean Smith he was ONLY in a coma. I had no idea he was actually deceased, ok? I think UNC fans are really taking this out of context. I apologize if people are being oversensitive and took it the wrong way.”

Missanelli posted several tweets apologizing to UNC fans, but seemed to dig himself an even deeper hole.

“@MIkeyMiss975 – The old codger was still hooked up to the ventilator when I was going out to my car and tweeted that. I had no idea. I apologize.”

“@MikeyMiss975 – How did I know his surviving family members would see my tweet? Just calm down, ok?”

“@MikeyMiss975 – He’s dead now, he didn’t see it, what’s the big deal?”

Missanelli said he plans to honor Smith on Monday afternoon’s show and will attend the mass ceremony for Smith.

UPDATE:

Eyewitnesses at the Smith funeral report Missanelli accidentally tipped over the coach’s coffin and punched his surviving wife in the face when she asked him to leave.

The Coggin Toboggan

The finest Philadelphia sports blog spewed from the mind of an alcoholic