Philadelphia, PA
– The bad news keeps rolling in for baseball’s estranged son, as new evidence in the incriminating pages of the notebook confiscated by Major League Baseball in 1989 has shown Pete Rose most certainly placed several bets during his playing days with the Phillies.
Famous for being an intricate part of the 1980 World Series championship squad, Rose placed several bets during his time with the Phillies.
Please sign him, Ruben.
No Dario Saric next year, Joel Embiid’s foot fell off last week (or so I’ve heard) and the Lakers may draft D’Angelo Russell, ruining literally MINUTES of work I put in on Twitter to interview the kid.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Philadelphia sports scene moving into the depths of summer. Did you know yesterday was the official first day of summer? I bet you didn’t, but it’s all downhill from here folks until we find ourselves in another dank, dark, depressing Northeast winter.
The soon to be unemployed Marcus Smith.
Philadelphia, PA – Marcus Smith’s spirits were high at the end of Eagles minicamp yesterday, as the second year linebacker was reportedly confident he could successfully qualify for unemployment benefits by the start of the regular season.
The linebacker was reportedly thrilled when Chip Kelly dropped off the free Pennsylvania unemployment benefit packets to his locker late Thursday afternoon.
“This is just fabulous. My confidence is the highest it has ever been since joining the Eagles,” Smith said, as he diligently plowed through the information.
Per Pennsylvania law, Smith could qualify for bi-weekly payments as high as $547.
“Righteous bucks,” Smith said.
Kelly said he was pleased at Smith’s progress and noted the ceiling was quite high for the second year linebacker who would no doubt be cut before training camp begins.
“He’s a great kid. We think he could really make something of himself if he just hangs in there and hauls himself up by his bootstraps. I could definitely see him in some sort of trade school this year if he gets his mind right and doesn’t get overwhelmed.”
As of press time, Smith was seen using the team’s computer and had successfully uploaded an application to Devry University.
He received a rejection letter less than 15 minutes later.
Philadelphia, PA – Impressed by the workouts and positive attitude of Ohio State point guard D’Angelo Russell, Ruben Amaro Jr. openly wondered if the Phillies could get in on some of this “sweet, sweet D’Angelo Russell action.”
“If the 76ers draft D’Angelo, could he come to a few of our games? Maybe shag some fly balls? He seems legitimately excited to potentially be playing for Philadelphia and we desperately need some positivity on this team. He seems like a bright young man, and someone who wouldn’t openly yell at Bob (McClure, Phillies pitching coach) about his inability to use the bullpen phone correctly.”
Bad news friends….our sister country, Croatia, once a beloved ally of The Coggin Toboggan, may be turning on Philadelphia’s favorite sports blog.
We’ve always held an affinity for Croatia…from its lush, rolling green hills, to it’s picturesque beaches…so when a Croatian basketball fan sent a Tweet to our account about Dario Saric last week we happily engaged in a brief discussion using the Twitter translation feature:
See? Nothing horrible. Just a fan wanting to know if I heard anything about Dario Saric coming over to the U.S. next year. I responded:
We reached out and gave the gift of humor, which in some countries is the greatest gift of all. Apparently not so in Croatia, or they just don’t understand the subtleties and deft humorous hand many of my articles possess.
He did not respond.
Undeterred, I pressed on, reaching out to him about our love for Furkan Aldemir, well documented on this site…and he never responded.
Almost a week went by, and I will admit, I was still stinging a bit from my Croatian friend’s hostility. But friendship conquers all, I thought, and sent him another Tweet just last night as I was considering hanging myself while watching the putrid Philadelphia Phillies.
You can see his response below the above Tweet.
Using the Twitter translation function, this is what it says in English. This is 100% true:
“@CogginToboggan @Phillies Uncle I’m in a bad mood I’m not dealing with you for God’s sake take a salmon the go field.”
Uncle?! Salmon?! What the hell Bjelica! I thought we were buddies? You were my man on the street in Croatia, feeding us crucial information about Dario Saric and spreading the good word of The Coggin Toboggan throughout your wonderful country. Now you want me to take my salmon and go out to a field? How DARE you.
Frankly, I don’t put all of the blame on Bjelica. I put most of the blame on the Phillies. The Phillies translate throughout the world as complete shit and are offensive in any language, just the mere mention of the team will get you hung and quartered in some countries.
But as much as the Phillies are garbage and culturally and ethnically offensive, I’m nervous that I’ve gotten myself mixed up with some Croatian street toughs here.
This about sums everything up.
UPDATE AS OF 9 P.M. LAST NIGHT:
All is forgiven. WE LOVE CROATIA!
It’s also come to my attention that Nemanja Bjelica is a Croatian national basketball player who declared himself eligible for the NBA draft, not the name of the Twitter user. I am a complete moron.
Philadelphia, PA – After a blowup on the mound and in the dugout during Friday nights game with the Pirates, Ken Giles explained his heated argument with several of the Phillies coaches.
“It’s not a big deal. It’s just, I’m on the Phillies, it’s nothing out of the ordinary,” Giles explained to reporters. “I have these freak outs all the time. I just feel badly that this happened on the field. I usually blow up in the clubhouse or in the privacy of my own home.”
Giles went on to explain most of the members of the roster have their own separate freak outs with their frustration with being on one of the worst teams in baseball. It has become so commonplace, he said, management doesn’t even fine or punish players for berating coaches and executives.
When asked for more details, Giles said Chase Utley has broken about 87 bats in the locker room this season alone and wrestled Ryne Sandberg to the ground and rubbed pine tar all over his face when the skipper told Utley he would be sitting a few games.
“Everyone does it. I’m disappointed in myself for doing it in public. I should have waited until the game ended and really laid in that little weasel Larry Bowa. He is the worst. It’s a great way to blow off steam when you realize you’re on this horrid team and Ruben Amaro is going to botch any trade you may be involved in.”
As of press time, Giles had reportedly gotten in Bowa’s face and was spitting sunflower seeds into the bench coaches hair.
Philadelphia, PA – Mere hours after being released, Pro-Bowl guard Evan Mathis wasted no time in moving on from the organization, using a razor sharp bowie knife to dig out the mandatory Eagles tracking implant from the base of his rear skull.
“Oh god…so much blood,” Mathis reportedly muttered to himself, before he crushed the device under the heel of his boot.
The devices are implanted in every Eagles athlete and monitors there whereabouts, health, sexual activity, diet, private conversations and inner most thoughts.
All members of the organization are required to wear the monitoring devices as per the mandate of Chip Kelly, who pours over the data until the wee hours in the morning. Several representatives within the organization are reporting Kelly is slowly going mad from the influx of data.
“It’s just too much for him. He yelled at me last season for watching five minutes of Sportscenter after the mandated lights out period. How the hell did he know I was staying up past curfew? At least I don’t have to hear him yelling at me again because I didn’t finish my protein slurry shake,” Mathis said. “Too much power in just one man’s hands can lead anyone into insanity, I suppose.”
Mathis then sharpened his knife and prepared to dig out the digital playbook device that had been surgically installed in his brain stem.
Instanbul, Turkey – Citing what’s best for business, Sam Hinkie traveled to Istanbul today to meet with several underground figures in the back of a dimly lit, smoke filled Turkish bazaar to begin plans to extradite Dario Saric from his contract with Anadolu Efes S.K.
“You have a man that you want freed, we have a large debt that needs to be paid. I think we can work with each other in this regard,” said Aslan “The Lion” Myanabad. “The cost will be 3 million lira…but I warn you, the penalty for such a thing is many years in the Eskişehir (prison) and I would not wish this upon my worst enemy.”
Philadelphia, PA – Pleased at Sam Bradford’s progress in OTAs so far, Chip Kelly told media at the conclusion of practice today that Sam Bradford is “right on track to be placed on injured reserve by week three.”
“Sam is hobbling around out there like he’s really got something to prove. I’m not one for making predictions, but he may even be on the IR by week two if he keeps on progressing,” he said.
Bradford participated in several drills yesterday afternoon, throwing to receivers in 7 on 7 sets, grimacing and clutching his shoulder after every throw longer than five yards.
Snickers the possum.
Hey! Yes, it’s me, Snickers the possum. Ridiculous name for a possum, I know, but my mother was a touch rabid when I was born and she started to name us after pieces of trash she found on the ground in a virus laden haze. I don’t know for certain why she named me this, but if there is one thing I do know for certain, it is that Ruben Amaro Jr. is the worst general manager the Phillies have ever seen.
The Coggin Toboggan 