Philadelphia

Thousands feared dead in massive Philadelphia football fever outbreak

The CDC has released a special infographic detailing the dangers of Football Fever.

Philadelphia, PA – The death toll has topped 3,000 today as a city gripped in a full fledged case of football fever can only sit and wait to see if the epidemic will claim anymore victims.

Mayor Michael Nutter addressed the media this morning and said the situation in the city was grim.

“Far too emergency responders were summoned this weekend by frantic callers saying their loved ones were unresponsive on their couches, love seats, or in many, many cases, their La-Z-Boy recliners. In 95% of the cases the emergency technicians could not revive our citizens,” Nutter said.

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Phillies experience lowest bum attendance in 5 years

Where have all the hobos gone this season?

Philadelphia, PA – Heading towards its fourth below .500 season in five years, Philadelphia Phillies attendance has steadily dipped over the past four years.

More alarmingly, the homeless and bum attendance in 2015 is at an all time low, as attendance records show a staggering 35 bum per game rate, down from the record 200 bum per game rate the team enjoyed in 2011.

“It’s really a shame. Four years ago we’d have homeless just wandering the stadiums, dirtying bathrooms, harassing fans…it was a wonderful time,” an anonymous front office executive said. “Now we’re lucky if we have to forcibly remove one or two hobos from the stadium trying to fish half eaten nachos out of the trash.”

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Snickers the Possum is back and doing what he loves best, analyzing football!

Snickers the possum.

Hey it’s me, Snickers the Possum! If there are two things in this world that I know, it’s that discarded banana peels are excellent sources of potassium and I’m an excellent football analyst.

You may ask yourself, HEY, how in the world can a possum be good at analyzing football? Well, it’s a simple answer. I love to skulk around people’s homes here on Maple Avenue and when I’m not snout deep in a discarded baby diaper I’m peeping into windows and watching football! What a game. The brutality, the excitement, the wide open fields a lucky possum could scamper through while eating peanut shells and living his life to the fullest….but I digress.

And boy oh boy, where I live is Eagles country so I’ve seen more Eagles games in my life than I’ve eaten moldy pieces of bread, which let me tell you, is quite a lot. I have the intestinal parasites to prove it.

So I’ll be here, each Friday, giving my professional opinion on the upcoming Eagles game and letting you, the fair reader, know what to expect each week.

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Former Eagles quarterback Tim Tebow converts to Judaism

Philadelphia, PA – Citing a need for a change in his life after the latest setback to his professional football career, formerly devout follower of the Catholic faith Tim Tebow decided it was time for a new chapter in his life and completed his conversion to Judaism late Wednesday evening.

The embattled professional athlete said it was definitely for the best.

“Let’s be honest, I wasn’t doing so hot as a Catholic. Sure I had a good run there for a few years, honored my mother, kept a few commandments holy, gave up soda a few times for lent….but where did it get me? Cut by the Eagles and out of football. Where’s your messiah now, Moses?” Tebow asked a group of reporters.

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Patriots forced to release Donovan McNabb puking blooper reel

Philadelphia, PA – After ESPN released a massive, hard hitting story on Tuesday afternoon detailing the scope of the New England Patriots alleged efforts to cheat from 2000 to 2007, illegal videos taped by Patriots employees have started to surface as the investigation digs deeper.

Despite multiple fan and player accounts accusing the Patriots of stealing Eagles signals during the 2004 Super Bowl, no such videos or evidence have yet to surface.

However, a Kraft Productions video tape of the Eagles during the Super Bowl did surface yesterday and has brought the city down to its core.

Entitled, “Donovan McNabb Super Bowl Puke-a-Rama,” the two-and-a-half minute, professionally edited video shows new angles confirming the Eagles quarterback puking during the fourth quarter of the Eagles comeback attempt.

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Philadelphia Coalition of the Bald sues Phanatic for millions

Hilarious!

Philadelphia, PA – Citing years of abuse at the hands of the fuzzy Phillies mascot, the Philadelphia Coalition of the Bald has levied a $25 million lawsuit against the Philadelphia Phanatic.

“The Phanatic has tormented the bald for years with his scalp shining routine. Sure, it seems like it’s harmless fun, but his capering throughout the decades has caused untold damages to thousands of men who suffer from thinning hair,” said Thomas Graham, president of the Coalition.

“Two weeks ago he shined my scalp for what seemed like hours in front of thousands of fans at Citizens Bank Park. Would he ever make fun of someone’s weight? Sexuality? I don’t think so, but it’s appropriate to make fun of my disease? It’s ridiculous, outrageous and scandalous.”

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The Coggin Toboggan predicts Philadelphia sports all the way from Europe

I’m not from here! I have my own customs! Look at my crazy passport!

Please listen to the song after the page break at full blast while reading. Yes it is obligatory, do not read until you listen to this at least 10 times to get in the proper mood to read an article from an ignorant American who is tired of being in Europe.

We’ll wait.

The Coggin Toboggan has gone to Europe. Coming at you LIVE (not live) from Copenhagen, Denmark.

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Pete Mackanin Pros and Cons (updated)

After taking over for fired manager Ryne Sandberg, Pete Mackanin has had the Phillies playing some respectable ball since after the all star break.

The roster seems loose, it seems excited, and the current youth movement is serving the team well under Mackanin.

But little is still known about the interim manager. The Coggin has taken the time to analyze his moves, analyze some of his decisions, and analyze his fantastic choice of eyewear to deliver you this updated pros and cons list of his time as manager through 2015.

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Phillies to hand out bats, give bunting lessons to every fan to increase safety

Philadelphia, PA – Citing a need for more safety at Citizens Bank Park, Phillies representatives announced a plan early this morning to hopefully reduce rates of fans being injured by foul balls struck into the stands.

Current President Pat Gillick said ushers would pass out official major league baseball bats to every single fan in attendance and give detailed, personal bunting instructions to fans before allowing them to take their seats.

“We feel that with increased attention at games and these baseball bats, we’ll see a remarkable decrease in injuries in the stands. With a well placed bunt of a struck ball, we know this will cut down on incidents at the ball park,” Gillick said.

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Crazy Tolly’s Super Bowl blow out announced today

……not crazy.

Hey folks! It’s me! Crazy Tolly and I’ve got a HELL of an announcement for you folks! Did you see our beloved Eagles destroy the Packers on Saturday night? I wasn’t able to see it, but I did hear updates from the TV in the warden’s office from my cell block, but let me tell you they sounded FABULOUS in victory!

I’m haunted by the winds of my ancestors and the screams of the land at every moment. They don’t let me sleep, I tell you, they don’t let me sleep!

Well I’m announcing the first ever Crazy Tolly’s Super Bowl Blow Out!

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